Friday, December 30, 2011

Haiku Friday - More New York

That's A Lot Of Trips To The Peegarten
German biergarten
Is actually code for
Two liters of beer

Lessons Learned While Watching A Guy Get Into A Fight With His Reflection
A man on the train
Taught me that New York City
Has meth problems too

Anything Goes In Chinatown
Rules for restaurants:
No T.V.s and no carpets
(Except Chinatown)

I Meant To Go To Bed At Midnight
In New York City
You can stay up until three
Accidentally

"You Live Here?!  Why?!"
Staying in Bushwick
Is cheap and convenient but
Earns taunts from cabbies

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Vennsday - Things learned and discussed in New York City

I am not going to lie, I am sitting n a cafe, drinking a glass of wine.  I threw these together on a napkin, then took slightly out of focus pictures of them.  They might not post right.

I'm bringing crappy back.




Friday, December 23, 2011

Haiku Friday - MERRY CHRISTMAS (That's right, I said it)

Her Candy Standards Are High And Practical
"Don't bother with these,
Russell Stovers make you fart"
Mom's words of wisdom


You Can't Go Wrong With Eggs, Cheese, And Green Chiles, No Matter What It's Called
My sister is right:
Fritata sounds tastier
Than egg casserole


Sacramental Wine Drinking Game: How Many Times Does Mary Drop Jesus
When I was younger
I acted in the pageant
Now, I go to laugh


BRING ON THE BLIZZARD, SANTA
I was all prepared
To write about White Christmas
No snow is bullshit


I Need My Beauty Sleep AND My Presents
Your hoofs on the roof
Better not wake me, reindeer
Or there will be blood

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Vennsday - Minimal Holiday References

Are you feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday spirit all over the interwebs?  Do you want to just take a break, preferably one full of sarcasm?  Then you're in the right place.

....although there is one Christmas reference.  I just put it in there because I wanted to offend everyone who doesn't acknowledge Christ as the one, true path to salvation and righteousness.  I'm talking to YOU, everyone who reads this blog.

Have you ever wanted to make a convoluted insult or compliment, but you just couldn't find something ridiculous and random enough?  Fortunately for you, I am the queen of awkward randomness.  So, next time you really want to intimidate1 someone, say "Like the birds in 'Finding Nemo' say, your ass is mine!  Mine!  Mine!"  Obviously, you have to do the "Mine!"'s in that super high tone that they use.




 Someday, you'll probably wake up from a coma and wonder what time of year it is.  I mean, you don't want to make the common coma-patient faux pas of leaving the hospital in unseasonable clothing (shorts in January?!?!  That's wacky!  Get with the times, person who's been dead to the world for many time units!)  Well, I have a helpful hint for you.  We Americans eat our favorite carb with different toppings according to the proximity of certain holidays.  So, if you see that your potatoes are being served with cabbage, you can rest assured that wearing some kind of leprechaun outfit is a good idea2.

Know your aliens!  Especially this: the only alien you can trust is one in spandex.  Just ask the GOP presidential candidates.

1Ok, maybe it won't actually intimidate them.  But it will annoy them!  And make them take you way less seriously.
2To be fair, wearing a leprechaun outfit is ALWAYS a good idea.


Monday, December 19, 2011

I live here Monday - I probably have your stolen stuff

There is a lot of petty theft in Eugene.  A.  Lot.  I don't want you to underestimate the amount of theft and vandalism here, just because it's a small-to-medium city, the population density is pretty low, people tend to be well-educated, and there are lots of butterflies and green trees and happy, smiling children.

There's also enough meth to fuel China's work force for a month.

Over the past few months, I have noticed a strange trend.  In the narrow and seldom traveled gap between the buildings next to my building, freshly stolen items often appear.  It's never anything too valuable, just bike wheels and workout clothes and, once, a complete set of Spanish flashcards.

Why does all this stuff end up in that alley?  Well, I have a theory.  Have you heard of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch?  It's a bunch of garbage (a bunch = hundreds of thousands of square miles) that is stuck in the middle of the ocean, slowly disintegrating.  It ends up there because it's kind of a dumping ground for the ocean currents:

File:North Pacific Subtropical Convergence Zone.jpg

I think that the alley behind my office is the Great Eugene Dumping Ground for Valueless Stolen Crap.  Check it out:

The high pressure zones of rich professionals and cars, which are just asking to be broken into, provide the valueless crap, but they also push the petty thieves with their stolen goods away from the business district of downtown.  At that point, the thieves start going through the bags they've ripped off, and unconsciously get stuck in a loop they're very familiar with1 - Public Defender's office to the various required counseling places to the drug dealers in the alley(not pictured).  They are forced off the actual streets by the nerdy looking bicycle cops, drop all the crap they don't want to keep behind my office, then break the loop and run off towards the bike path.

After not too much time, the ANGRY RED ARROWS OF METH! force them back to repeat the cycle day after day.

Anyways, what I'm saying is that, you know that bike you had stolen?  I probably have the cast-off pieces of your destroyed lock.  The bike is long gone, though.  Sorry, dude.

1Am I saying that there is no hope for these people?  No, there are a lot of really dedicated workers trying to get them out of this loop....  On the other hand, I once watched a fight break out at the halfway house because they guys living there didn't agree on how to best water the lawn.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Haiku Friday - Smitten with the Mitten

But We Are!1
Ev'ry time I say
"We're America's high five!"
People laugh at me

We Were In The Great Recession Before It Went Mainstream
Unemployment is
Just your fancy, east coast word
For GM's bankrupt

On The Coasts They Deconstruct Classic Dishes.  In The Midwest, We Do The Opposite.2
You say "What are these?"
Pointing at my random foods
I say "Casserole"

The Unofficial Tourism Slogan
Come to Michigan!
Please, ignore the militias
And look at the lakes

It Was A Sweet Commercial, Though
The best we could do
For a Michigan spokesman:
Eminem, really?

1I decided to put all the relevant background information in a footnote:  I'm from Michigan.  The lower peninsula of Michigan looks like a mitten / hand.  If you ever ask me where I grew up, I will show you, on my hand, where in Michigan I'm from.  Here's a map so you can judge for yourself how much of a mitten it is:
2Apparently the opposite is putting everything in one dish and adding cheese and a can of cream of mushroom soup?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My Crappy Magical Venn Unicorn

I like to imagine that at some point someone has asked about my Venn Diagrams: where does she come up with this crap?!?!  Well, the Magical Venn Unicorn is a real thing.  I didn't make it up yesterday in a fit of delirium.

It lives under my desk, feasting on the scraps of my lunches and anything else it can scavenge in my office.

Yesterday, I managed to draw up a quick picture of the Magical Venn Unicorn in action.  It spews out random words and circles, and then those eventually coalesce on my screen.  It also spews out gay rainbow hearts1.


You are probably wondering about this unicorn.  Here are the answers to my assumed FAQ's:
Q:  Isn't it cruel to keep such a beautiful creature under your desk?
A:  It stays because of its own free will2.

Q:  Why are its proportions so weird?
A:  First of all, that's rude.  Secondly, the well-proportioned unicorns don't get stuck with the crap powers like Venn Diagramming.

Q:  Aren't you afraid Voldemort is going to come drink its blood?
A:  No.  Voldemort is a fictional character.

Q:  Have you considered using its power for evil?
A:  Yesterday I had a Venn Diagram teaching you how to swear.  So, obviously yes.

Q:  Can I give one to my favorite child/niece/nephew/grandchild/whatevs?
A:  Yes you can!  Just hit print, then BAM you have a great paper toy!  I will not be held responsible for the gayifying effect it might have or for any paper cuts.

Q:  Where can I find more super awesome unicorns?
A:  Right here: http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/

1Because it's a unicorn.
2And because of the fence I've put up.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Vennsday - Just Phoning It In

There were several times today while I was Venning when I thought to myself, "What am I, some kind of magical Venn unicorn who can just shoot Venn Diagrams, rainbows, and happiness out of my horn?"  Dear readers, those were some dark times.  I have come out of those dark times into this meadow of circles and words to realize that yes, yes I am a magical Venn unicorn.

There's no theme.  There's barely even logic.  Enjoy!

Are you thinking about making a movie or a commercial?  Please consult this diagram first.  Talking babies are creepy (I'm talking to you, eTrade).  I don't want to see any more of them.  Baby animals, on the other hand, are the greatest thing ever.  I would like it if there were more streaming puppies (remember this?  OH MY GOD, I can't believe I missed the second litter last April).

 I struggled with this.  I had a really, really hard time coming up with someone from the GOP who was not crazy but still a philanderer.  If you don't know who John Ensign is, please leave it that way.  And, sadly, Newt passes for articulate in the field of candidates.  Also, according to me, Mitt wins.

If you hang around me long enough, you'll hear me swear in weird ways.  I do it when I'm excited and when I'm angry and when I'm sad.  If you want to swear like me (and I'm sure you do), follow the above diagram.  For example, when I see something awesome, I say "Holy crapmonkeys, there's something awesome!" and when I realize I have just lost 3 hours worth of work because I didn't save, I say "Awww, fuckpants, I can't believe autosave has failed me."  I rarely get angry, but if I did, I would probably tell someone to go screw some poo, you stupid pooscrewer.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Haiku Friday - Cats

Some quick background:  I grew up crazy allergic to cats and actively avoided them my whole life.  I knew as much about the behaviors of cats as I did about alien courtship rituals.

At some point in the not-too-distant past, that allergy went away.  Now I am dating someone who owns three cats, and I am learning all kinds of things about them.  And, dudes, they are crazy.


It Turns Out They're Nothing Like Dogs
I always believed
That cats were like dogs except
Tiny and evil

Not A Recommended Seduction Technique
You reached for my hand
And said in your bedroom voice
"Ignore the cat puke"1

It's Also Creepy When You Stare At Me From Six Inches Away While I Sleep
Fat cat, where are you?
Hiding behind the curtains,
Always watching me?

Not Unlike When Jersey Shore Went To Florence
Cats harmonizing
Is just like a surprising
But terrible choir

Should I Be Amazed or Freaked Out?
How does your body
Bend in all those directions
Like an Escher print?

I Don't Understand Your Needs
It is misleading
When you sit on me, purring
Then claw at my face

1True story

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Vennsday - Timely and Confusing

I know, I know... it's confusing that it is both Wednesday and Vennsday.  It was an accident born of sleep deprivation and the resulting attraction to brightly colored words.  Next week, I'm sure Vennsday will be on an unpredictable day once again.

Shall we?

Have you ever been a hipster in a bar and realized you're sitting next to a guy who just got off the factory line?  Have you thought "This is unironically awkward, what will we talk about?"  Don't fear!  Look in his hand and in your hand and realize that you are both drinking the same terrible beer!  Make a new friend!  (Hipsters, I do not recommend trying this with Don Draper or James Bond because they will scoff and then refuse to tell you where they got their dapper outfits.  Burn.)



Hats are a good warning sign that someone is a hipster.  Hipsters love hats, especially hats that were cool 40 years ago.  Look closely, though, because you may think you're approaching a hipster in a golf cap when BAM you're hit by hair gel and gold chains and you realize that you've just been douched.
NOTE: Lesbians not featured.  They love ALL hats.  Also, I have a theory that all hipsters are just trying to be lesbians.  We've been wearing flannel and chucks for years, people.



Know your gays!  There's a whole world of non-femme lesbians out there, and, trust me, they will be vaguely offended if you label them wrong1.  Look for the signs:  dressing like a gay man?  Probably a boi.  Dressing down a subordinate on their iPhone (which is normally in a hip holster)?  Power dyke.  Wearing sweats and administering friendly shoulder punches?  Sporty.  Stereotypical lesbian shown in the media through the 90's?  Butch.  Mullet?  Could be any of 'em.  It's a problem that plagues our people; I wish I knew why.


Well, I hope you've learned something.  I certainly have.  I've learned that I should limit the number of times my circles overlap because I'm getting dizzy just looking at these things.

1Even though 99% of them will say they don't believe in labels

Monday, December 5, 2011

I Live Here Monday

My awesome and less profane friend has an awesome and less profane blog, Stowaway.  She has a weekly feature called "My Kind of Town Monday," which made me want to do something similar.  I don't really take nice pictures, though, or really love the city I'm living in.1

Also, I don't think I can commit to another weekly update, with the other two crappy weekly features I have and the wine club wines that I have to drink every month and waking up every day...  I'm a busy person, basically.

On the other hand, sometimes shit gets hilarious here in Eugene.  So, I will have a whenever-I-feel-like-it Monday feature called "I live here" Monday, and I'll talk about a funny sight that I saw or how a crazy transient2 greeted me or how I bought a snobby Eugene ten dollar beer and then spilled half of it down my shirt, making my shirt worth twice its former value.

Here's the first thing you need to know about Eugene:

People here love college football.  Really, really love it.  In a survey that I just conducted3, 72% of respondents said they loved Ducks Football more than their first born children, 14% didn't have any children because they had traded them for season tickets, 11% just screamed "GO DUCKS," and 3% were total NPR-listening nerds who are about to get beat up and have their gluten-free tempeh sandwiches stolen.

So, if you visit the place I live, I suggest you learn how to do the Oregon "O," which is a totally innocent suggestion and absolutely does not mean vagina in sign language.

1How many Eugenians did I just offend?  It's not terrible, it's just... uh, not my kind of town.
2We don't call them homeless or hobos or bums here... we call them transients.  This is because we assume they are transitioning between homes or maybe between cities.  This is wishful thinking.  At best, they are transitioning between hits of meth.
3I did not conduct a survey.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Haiku Friday - Technology?!

Technologies Hate The Nicknames We Give Them
Say "The Interwebs"
And "Cellular Telephone"
To speak formally

It's Creepy, Actually
Netflix, you know me
Strong female lead, foreign, dark
And also South Park

What Are Those Sounds Coming From The Lower-Center Part of Your Face Area, Out of Your Food Hole?
I have forgotten
The art of the spoken word
Since texting's advent

I Wasted My IQ on Angry Birds
My droid is smarter
Than your lil' honor student
... and probably me

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE SHOWS TO WATCH (or: On Staying Up Until 2 am)
Five months sans the web
Has rendered me unprepared
For streaming TV

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Vennsday is the new Thursday

Last week, much time with my family was spent discussing how we would all be classified.  Can nerds be cool?  What separates a "cool" nerd from Sheldon on "Big Bang Theory"?  What do bros and nerds have in common?

These questions are all answered.  This time in ovals!

Bros and nerds don't agree on much... but they can both get behind a good pair of khakis and a polo shirt.  My coworker calls it the "engineer's uniform."  I call it "dress code at the prep school I attended."  We are finding common ground here, people.
Similarly, if you're a hipster, it's not cool to act like you like knowledge.  That's not ironic at all, dude.  Not like that mullet and molester 'stache.  An exception can be made if you're a student... then rock the nerdiness!  Just don't act like you care.

Engineers?  Not very cool.  They don't make eye contact and constantly correct you.  Accuracy, not human connections, is what's important.  They will talk at you and wonder why you look lost after thirty minutes on the molecular details of stormwater treatment.  Smart people, though?  Super cool.  Especially when they are self-proclaimed nerds who can still hold a conversation.  Those people are the best.  Once I finish this exercise in visual representations of elementary set theory, maybe I'll go be cool.

Wondering why you don't have any friends, my engineering peers?  It's because you're awkward.  That would be fine, except that you don't realize you're awkward.  You have conquered handshakes and taught your mouth to smile, but you're standing too close with your horrible coffee breath, and I'm pretty sure you just called that girl fat and stupid.  It is horribly uncomfortable to be around you.  Learn to recognize the signs of other people's discomfort and make a joke about yourself, and then you can join the ranks of stand-up comedians.  Once you do that, it will be your job to call that girl fat and stupid.  Uh, you still might have no friends, though.  Just fans.

It looks as though I am going for the world record in longest caption.  Wish me luck with that!  Also, where do YOU fit on the circles?  If you don't know, the answer is awkward and not self aware.  Just FYI.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Haiku Friday - Thanksgiving, etc. Edition

We Had French for Thanksgiving Dinner, And You Know What, People of France? You're Aight
I knew I liked you
When you served us the green beans
Wrapped up in bacon

Plus It's Mostly Vegetable!  So Healthy!
My mother taught me
Pumpkin pie can be breakfast
Because it has eggs

It's The Only Thing No One Is Allergic To
In my family,
The first, middle, and last course:
A bottle of wine

Fewer Claws Though
Seventeen of us
A loose itinerary
It's like herding cats

We Still Have To Sit At A Tiny Table And Use Sippy Cups Though
Chillin with cousins:
A permanent kids' table
But now with more booze!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Vennsday - Places Edition

It is again Vennsday, which as we all know is, at best, Wednesdayish.

I am posting from my phone because I am traveling.  The Venn diagrams are appropriately rushed and travel themed...  I drew them free hand on the BART on the back of my plane ticket.

They may be illegible.  Maybe they'll be funnier that way.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!


Friday, November 18, 2011

Haiku Friday - Dinosaurs

Have You Ever Had That Dream Where You Can't Scream And There Are Velociraptors Approaching?
Jurassic Park 2
Gave me nightmares, though I was
Twenty-one years old

Useful, Except For Finding A Bike Shop In 71 Million BC Is Killer1
A magazine said
I could out-run a T-rex
On a mountain bike

Or Good News, Depending On How Attached You Are To Your Soul
If you didn't cry
At Land Before Time, bad news:
You don't have a soul

Because It Would Be Surprising, Right?
From now on, please use
"Jesus on a dinosaur!"
To express surprise

There's So Much We'll Never Know 'Cause They Went Extinct Before Their Time
This morning I thought
Would dinosaurs like haiku?
Damn you, meteor



1Ha, get it?  Killer?  Because a T-rex just ripped you apart.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Crappy Self Promotion

Follow me on twitter!  twitter.com/crappyprojects

Or.... just look at the sidebar on this page.  Did you know you can embed twitter feeds into blogs?  I learned that yesterday.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Venn Diagram Wednesday - Less Meta This Time

It's Vennsday again!  Everyone rejoice!  The circles are back... and this time they're all the same size!

This week, you'll learn important things about Oregon, how to create a New York Times bestseller, and the fact that I totally boned your mom last night.  Yeah, she'll probably deny it, but that's because she thinks you can't handle the truth.

Sick of words?  Me too.  Let's get to the lo-fi diagrams.

Yup, that pretty much covers this state.  FYI, hipsters and hippies agree on only one thing: showers are lame.

We live in a world where Tyra Banks and Snooki have bestsellers and Ayn Rand is regarded as a genius.   The apocalypse called to say, "Wow, I think I'll cancel my 2012 plans for Earth because I don't want to get near that crazy-assed place."


Ha, your mom ruined your family!  Oh, wait... sorry, dude.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Haiku Friday - Odes to Crappy Music

Bashō Is Rolling In His Grave1
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
....Crap, it's a haiku

There Is No One More Time (or: Misinterpretation of Songs Is a Hobby of Mine)
Hit me, baby, once
You were supposed to know that
Abuse isn't cool

I Have A Theory That Fergie Took A Spelling Class2 Before Making "The Dutchess"
I could spell tasty
'Til I heard "Fergalicious"
Drop the e, Fergie

Open Letter To Katy Perry
I kissed a girl, too!
But Jill Sobule beat us both
And her song's better3

Ke$ha Should Clarify That Zero Out Of Five Dentists Recommend Her Methods
My teeth all fell out
When I took your advice re:
A bottle of Jack



1I know, I know, Rebecca Black was over about 7 months ago.  But I wake up every Friday, and that song gets stuck in my head, and I'm trying to pass that curse onto you.
2That she probably failed, or got a C in, at best.
3Admittedly, though
It's much less fun to dance to
Let's call it even

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Venn Diagram Wednesday

Ok, today's not Wednesday1.  But this is a blog that is theoretically2 dedicated to projects that suck in the first place and then I never finish.  So, it seems appropriate that my first of this weekly series is a day late (literally) and a buck short (not literally... unless my Venn Diagrams get beaten up and are forced to cough up their lunch money).

I love Venn Diagrams.  I often use them when they are not the best way to convey information because they're so much fun.  Sometimes I describe them using my words because there are no surfaces around to write on.

In an effort to raise awareness about how flexible Venn Diagrams are, every week I will use the same Venn Diagram set-up to depict a minimum of three different sets of information.  I promise that this information will never make you smarter, and in some cases may actually lower your IQ (if you're having one of those terrible high IQ days).

Quickly!  To the Venn Diagrams!

Have you wondered what Venn Diagrams are for paragraphs and paragraphs?  Wonder no more!

I doodled this one during my staff meeting on Monday.  It was getting dangerously close to lunch.

 If ninjas and pirates were actually that close, the geek's ultimate wet dream of a fight would be happening.  I have strong opinions about the victor of this fight.




1Or, as they will be called from now on around here, Vennsday.
2In practice, it seems much more dedicated to my weekly haiku.3
3That's a haiku.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Haiku Friday - It's Winter

I Really Am This Cheap.  It's 55 Degrees In My House.
How many blankets
Are needed to compensate
For not using heat

It Was Dry In September... So Only Another Seven Months Until I Can Again Leave My House Without A Raincoat1
Out-of-staters think
Nine months of rain is a joke
I assure you, no.

One Time I Was Stranded In Downtown Portland Because Of Three Inches Of Snow.  I Was Not Laughing Then.
At one inch of snow
Oregonians freak out
And I laugh at them

Maybe White Sheets Were A Terrible Idea
I know it's winter
When my dog leaves muddy prints
All over my bed

The Pacific Northwest Version of This Song2 Really Is Less Satisfying
I'm dreaming of a
Wet Christmas, just like the ones...
Oh wait, no I'm not


1This title has more syllables than the poem.  Is that a sign of success or failure?  I vote success.
2I wrote it.  Right now.  There are bums and cheap booze involved.  And rain, inches and inches of rain.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Crappy Sayings

I feel a great emptiness inside.  It's 90% hunger because it's almost lunch time, 4% from where a soul would be if I weren't gay, but a full 6% is empty1 because I don't have a snappy ending to "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage.... "  Why am I thinking about this?  Because I was Peter Pan for Halloween, and as we all know, every time you say you don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies.

I'm pretty sure that anyone2 who doesn't believe in gay marriage wouldn't have a huge problem with "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage, a gay (or gay marriage) dies."  But what about these?

Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage...
  • ...a God-fearing, evangelical couple in Alabama gets divorced3.
  • ...Dick Cheney has a heart attack.
  • ...an embryo's stem cells are harvested, bringing us that much closer to curing various diseases... and killing a baby4.
  • ...Herman Cain sexually harasses an employee while denying sexually harassing an employee, right in front of someone from Politico.
  • ...a child learns about evolution, then falls asleep during the intelligent design lesson.
  • ...Obama's approval rating goes up by a point.
  • ...a minority and/or illegal immigrant gets that migrant worker job that you were all jazzed about applying for.
  • ...a book with four and five-syllable words gets published.
  • ...science happens.
  • ...two teenagers have unprotected sex on top of their abstinence only homework while wearing their promise rings and then are on "16 and Pregnant."
  • ...Sarah Palin gets asked what publications she reads, which is totally a trick question from the elite liberal media, those bastards.   She protects us from Russia, doncha know.
  • ...a Kardashian gets divorced3.
  • ...Chuck Norris gets punched by a ninja.
Uh, I am running out of things that showcase my prejudice against the south, GOP candidates, bigots, people who can't read good (and don't want to do other things good, too), and reality TV stars.

Any other suggestions?  Any favorites?  Any haters5?


1Numbers not your thing?  I made a pie chart6.


2Wow!  Over-generalization!  That whole sentence is totally offensive!
3This is actually true.
4If you're in Mississippi.
5I think my blog needs some haters.  Then I'll really feel like I've made it.
6I am really into pie charts today, probably because this morning I saw a quiche that looks incredible, and quiche is like the meal version of pie.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Haiku Friday: Halloween

I Know It Has Some Huge Fans, But I Prefer To Get My High Fructose Corn Syrup Other Ways
First off, let's agree
That the worst sweet by far
Must be candy corn

Either Way, We Get To Dress Up Like Superheroes
Once upon a time
We all went trick-or-treating
Now we do pub crawls

Thoughts On The Village Halloween Parade
Sir, where are your pants?
And, how does being naked
Count as a costume?

It's When You're Old Enough For Me To Call You Dude (Please Don't Egg My House)
How old is too old
To come to my house and ask
For some free shit, dude?

I'm Still Waiting For Rockapella's Comeback Tour
Mix up back to back,
Belly to belly for a
Zombie Jamboree

Friday, October 21, 2011

Special Edition of Haiku Friday - Libra Birthdays

In honor of a whole bunch of birthdays this month of close friends (and me, who is the closest of all my friends), here is a special birthday edition of Haiku Friday.  An extra big happy birthday to Em & Heather, whose birthdays are actually today!


Happy Birthday, Em & Heather!
You will always be
Eleven days behind me
Please enjoy your youth

The 27 Club
I have been informed
It will prove I'm a rock star
If I die this year

Why I Can't Stay Up Past Nine On My Birthday
Cake!  Get in my face!
But, I beg, this time do not
Leave a food coma

A Full Three-Quarters of the Women I have Dated Have Been Libras
Hey there, Libra lady
You know, it's my birthday, too?
We should get it on

Would It Be Socially Acceptable For Me To Go To A Bar Dressed As A Ninja?
Drinking beer is great
But birthdays used to involve
Wearing a costume

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Crappy Giraffe

Surfers of the Internet,

Today I give you a gift.  I am a kind and benevolent blogger, so I am giving of myself and my artistic genius.

This morning, I spent three-maybe even five-minutes learning how to draw a giraffe.  I looked at it, and it was good1.  Then I thought, "Know who likes giraffes?  Ladies2.  Even my very own lady friend."

I added some key text to the drawing, and voilà, a piece of dating genius:

Giraffe subtext: Hey, ladies!

Feel free to use this as your own.  It's poorly drawn enough that a lady will believe that it came from your equally untalented hand.

Have you ever wanted to express any of these feelings to a lady3 who maybe you would like to be your lady  friend, but have not been sure how?

  • I was bored at work, so I drew you something nice because you're always on my mind!
  • I identify as a giraffe who likes ladies!
  • Oh god, my leg is broken and atrophied, but I'm filled with so much love for you!
  • I'm six!
  • Weeee!  Irregular geometric shapes!
  • Help!  I'm stuck on graph paper and I miss the savanna!
  • I did something awful, and I thought a poorly drawn giraffe would distract you from that.
  • I love you!
Email her this giraffe!  There is literally almost no chance she's going to read this blog, so you can bask in the warm glow of her appreciation risk free!

Please note, these are inappropriate times to use the giraffe:

  • Picking up a lady in a bar.  Too fast, yo, too fast.
  • In the middle of a serious conversation.  Giraffes should only be used in times of happiness.
  • With someone who has had a close friend or family member mauled by a giraffe.
  • In an art museum.  It won't hold up well in comparison.

Use responsibly... and you're welcome.



1It was not at all good.
2This claim is not backed up by scientific research.
3Or a dude.  I just think maybe giraffes work better on the ladies.  Because I'm a sexist and also because I have seen way more ladies say "awwwwwww" at giraffes.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Me vs. The Door

I should start out by saying that I love the place where I live.  It is perfect for me and has a huge and beautiful yard that is perfect for me dog.

However, since I moved in, I have been engaged in a war with the bedroom doors (hmmm, that is much to rhymey, and I would rather not say "war with a door" any more than those two times in this post.  Maybe it's more of an epic battle).  To be fair, they are folding doors, so they are unlike 98% of all the doors that I have used.

Round 1 went to the doors.  I struggled to open them for the first couple weeks that I lived there.  But it's totally normal for an adult to be stuck in her own room, right?

Round 2 went to... my dog.  He figured out how to open the doors at about the same time I did and used that skill enthusiastically every morning at 6:45 right before my alarm went off.

Round 3 went to the doors and my dog.  I'm pretty sure that they conspired all day while I was gone at work.  He opened the door, per usual, but instead of just opening, it fell on me and woke me up.  After inspecting myself for life threatening injuries1, I went to check on the door... and that's when I discovered that it was held together by wire.

For the next month or so, the door leaned up against its frame and experienced feelings of instability, neglect, and ostracism.  I felt a sense of superiority and laziness; every time I looked at the door I thought, "I control your destiny, door!" which I'm going to count as a win for me.  (For those at home keeping score, that's Doors: 2, Dog: 2, Human: 12).

Finally, one night, fueled by beer and a brief bout of courage, I decided to fix the door.  I knew there was a high risk that I would end up gluing my hand to the door, but I was willing to take it.  I was going to win this battle.

As a safety precaution, I wrapped my hands in paper towel while I handled the glue (we can glide right past the fact that I was doing this all in my underwear, so maybe I should have covered more than just my hands...).  I knelt down over the broken door, glue at the edge of the bottle... and realized that the wires were still on the broken part.

I spent 15 minutes trying to get them off and was rewarded with several bloody fingers and two mangled, but still tight, wires.

"Fine," said I, "Keep your stupid wires!" and then I put glue everywhere I could fit it in the broken part.

Interesting aside:  did you know wood glue foams when you expose it to air?  Neither did I until after I applied it and then read the instructions!

When I awoke in the morning, the door was fixed (yay!), but the hole for the pin that holds the door to its frame was all full of glue-foam.  Hard, hard glue-foam.

Interesting aside the second:  know what's a great way to start the morning?  Hammering a pin into hard glue-foam!  In your underwear, which is apparently the only way I work!

By the time I left for work, I had two standing doors.  I had succeeded.

Except somehow neither door was actually set correctly in the door frame.

I think now it's time to go to the graph to see how I have done overall against the door.

Not graphed: Doors laughing heartily at my failures.  I ran out of colors, but I can tell you it would be a line at 2 all the way across. 

Oh, I have clearly lost.  At this point, the door is galloping around my house, with my desecrated carcass  attached to the back of its chariot3.



1There were none, except for the emotional ones.  An irrational fear of doors shouldn't be a problem, right?  I can just live in a tent!  I know just the place for that!
2Ninjas: 3,467,591.  They always win.
3It would appear from my multiple Troy references that the only epic poem I've read is the Illiad.  I will try to casually work in some other classics references so that this blog attracts the right crowd.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Haiku Friday - Debauchery

This Makes It Sound Like I'm Going To Start a Rumble, But Actually I'm Just Going To Be Enjoying Some Microbrews and Folk Music
It's Birthday Weekend!
Hang on to your hats because
Shit's gonna go down


I Like to Think It's Classy If It's A $9 Bottle of Aged Beer
What's that, Officer?
What's in the brown bag I have?
... Maybe it's my lunch?


Nerd Alert!
One time I got drunk
And spent hours discussing
The µ1 of spilled beer


Let's See You Try to Dance to That Smug Look On Your Face
We cannot be friends
If you're gonna judge my love
For Lady Gaga


Day 1 of Civil Engineering School
Tacoma Narrows:
Kids, that's why friends don't let friends
Drink and engineer2




1Pronounced "mu," this stands for the coefficient of friction used in kinetics.  Also, this is a completely true story.
2I don't think drinking was actually involved with the design of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.  In a funny and related aside, though, there is a (abandoned) fort (know as Fort Blunder) at Rouse's Point that was accidentally built 3/4 of a mile inside Canada because surveyors used to get paid partially in whiskey.  Surveying used to be a cold and lonely job, so sometimes/often they drank up their payment while they were working... and then were unable to find the 45th Parallel aka the northern boundary of that part of our country.  Not that I'm judging... I can't find the 45th Parallel sober.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me! Or: My Not-crappy Birthday

This is what I drew during my staff meeting, after eating some cake (mmmmm cake at 10 am) and then talking about beer for 15 minutes (in a totally1 work-related way, surprisingly.)

I realize this is not really true to Pac-Man, but I don't care.  I can do whatever I want because it's my birthday!

If you're craving cake or beer, you should go get some and blame it on me.

Tomorrow (or later), we will return to our regularly scheduled crappy projects.

1Totally might be too strong of a word.  "Tangentially" or even "not-at-all" might be more accurate.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Haiku Friday - Grammar Edition

The Depths of My Love for This Particular Type of Punctuation Rival The Depths of Hatred that Trojans Have for Giant Wooden Horses
Commas got you down?
Writing have that "blah" feeling?
Use semicolons!1

An Incomplete Set of Instructions
Take two separate
(But related) thoughts, and then:
Join them together!

I didn't make up this example
The strippers are not
JFK and Stalin (ew)
Thanks, Oxford comma!

"I am sorry for this incontinence to all of you but I have no choice in the matter"
Dearest Architect
Proofread, please - inconvenience,
Not incontinence

To be fair, I sometimes wrote "a lot" as one word until I read this
Don't get me started
On your/you're or their/they're/there
Just read The Oatmeal

1For the love of God, and all that is holy, I do not mean to imply that you can just replace commas with semicolons at will.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Hydration or Goddamn, I love coffee

I occasionally embark on self-improvement projects.  There was the "I am going to bike to work every day" project, which was derailed by the "It rains 9 months out of the year, and there are no showers at my workplace" realization.  Then there was bootcamp, which was awesome until (three days in) I stretched a foot tendon and had to wear a walking sandal for a couple months.  Bootcamp + non-bending footgear = no.  Then there was "Yay triathlons!" followed by "Swimming is hard and so is running, how about instead I just bike!" ... and then we come back to the beginning of the cycle. (... or bi-cycle!  ha, a pun.)

Yeah, my track record isn't great.

Despite all that, I am signed up for 30 days of Bikram Yoga (thank you, awesome deal on living social!), and the website very sternly told me to drink at least twice as much water as is normally recommended, which is 8 glasses per day (obviously).

That sounds easy!  I will be well on my way to looking like this:

Friday, September 30, 2011

Haiku Friday - The Second

I Clean Once a Year
Parents are in town
So my house is clean and nice
But only briefly

This Explains All The Stalled Projects
My door is broken
It bothered me for a while
Now it's just background

Also, more underwear
I just did laundry
Not more than two weeks ago
I'll buy more t-shirts

I worry that if I can't see them, they will begin plotting a revolt
These rooms frighten me
With all their clean surfaces
Where did my things go?!?!

This Is Your Brain On Coffee
I'm caffeinated
It does not affect my at-
Ooo, something shiny!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Pipe dreams... coming true?

I.  Love.  Books.  Can't get enough of 'em (e-reader, you say?  No way, I keep it real, mothafucka).  I like to read while I walk, while I cook, while I listen to radio, while I watch TV, while I read other things, while I attempt to converse, while I'm falling asleep, while I play with my dog, while I write blog posts, pretty much while I do everything except drive.  Turns out reading while driving is a terrible idea, even if the book is Operating Motor Vehicles for Dummies.

Since I moved, my books have been in two four-foot high stacks of boxes.  In retrospect, it's an old house and maybe leaving several hundred pounds of books in a small area was a bad plan, but the floor still appears to be unbowed and solid.

Last Sunday, I decided I wanted to be able to look at all my books, which meant taking them out of boxes.  Some time ago, I had made the totally ridiculous statement "When I unpack all my books, I should organize them, too!"  Stupid.  When I packed my books up, I was like a headless chicken on speed, so they were not put in boxes with rhyme or reason or neatness.

But, there I was, just having watched a season of Breaking Bad, hanging out in my underwear, and staring at a pile of books on my floor.  I mean, at the very least, I wanted all the books by one author to be grouped together, right?  And maybe all my books on the rise and fall of colonialism in Africa should be grouped together, so that they don't start all kinds of pretentious conversations around my young adult sci-fi books and make them feel inferior?

Next thing I knew, I had stacks of books, by the first letter of the author's last name (fiction only), YA books, then non-fiction and graphic novels.  Halfway through, it looked like this:
Ryder: These stacks of books look unstable.  Wait, oh god, am I my own genre?  Will have I have to sleep  on the book shelf?  Am I just here so there can be some kind of black and white and read all over joke?

Haiku Friday - The first

I am thinking about posting haiku about my crappy projects or whatevs every Friday.  First one, successfully done.  We'll see if I do it next week.

Because the name of my blog is so nicely 5 syllables
My crappy projects
Have a surprisingly high
Rate of completion

Why I am afraid to build anything that comes from Target
The instruction book
Is missing, as are some screws
Please hand me more glue

Imminent entropy
Alphabetized books -
I am scared of touching you
You took so much work

For my family1
Organization
Doesn't come naturally
We make Luttrell piles

Saturdays
What now?  Unpacking?
I wanted to finish that
But then there was beer


1Thanks to Irene & Laura for pointing out that the lack of organization is in the genes, and props to Alex for coining the term "Luttrell pile."

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Crappy Meetings

I'm pretty good at meetings.  At least, I'm pretty good at the types of meetings I like to have, which are quick and efficient.  (I've noticed that all these things rise together: position in a company, self importance, enjoyment of one's own voice, and length of meetings.... which seems uncoincidental.)

In the meetings that I run with people who are approximately my level, no one talks more or less than they need to, everything is completely sorted out in about 15 minutes, and everyone leaves with a clear idea of what they need to do.

In order to give the appearance of preparedness, I like to show up with a messenger bag full of stuff.  It's like no matter what question they ask me, I could - at any moment - whip out a reference manual, a scale, and a calculator and MATH1 right there on the table.

In truth, all I have actually brought to the meeting is a set of plans printed out on 11x17 paper and the writing utensil that was closest to my hand when I left.  I do not put these plans in my bag because my bag is full of unrelated crap, and I am afraid that when I pull the plans out, things will go flying (see previous entries on losing stuff and lack of organization).

Things actually in the bag: planner, journal, unsent postcards, tampons, keys, sunglasses, somewhere between 2 and 73 gum wrappers, gum, sometimes a broken watch (I like to think of it as Schrödinger's watch in that it is both there an not there at any given time), business cards, and receipts.

That's right, I take a full bag, which I do not open, and a separate pile of papers, which I often drop.  All so I can look like I am prepared.


1In lieu of actually MATHing, I say things like "It's all very complicated, I'll send you the spreadsheet" and then wait for the look of panic followed by a polite refusal of said spreadsheet.  It doesn't even have to be a spreadsheet, sometimes I say "code section" or "email from the city" or "shnarfle2" and it elicits the same response.  People like to know you did the work, but they don't want to know the dirty, boring details.
2I made this word up.  Right at this minute.  You never what's going to happen here; it's craziness.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Organization Schmorganization

As anyone who has lived with me can attest, I am not organized.  My argument would be that I do not appear to be organized.  No, my clothes don't live in drawers, and my books aren't all nicely alphabetized (by genre, then by author or subject, not that I've thought about it) and put in bookshelves.  They stay in piles.  I know what's in the piles, but to the untrained eye it probably looks like a mess.

This organization issue of mine is compounded when I move.  I do not pack things in any kind of organized fashion, and then I don't usually bother to organize them when I unpack again.  In my last house, this actually worked out because there were closets galore.  I actually had 4 or 5 boxes that I never even opened that contain god knows what.

In my new place, though, there are only two (doorless!) closets, so:

My closet drank too much absinthe and threw up all over the guest room.  It refuses to go to rehab - I fear it will end up like Amy Winehouse.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Lost" and found

I frequently "lose" things (wallet, keys, watch, cell phone, dog), and usually what that means is that it is exactly where I first thought to look for it.  But, then I assume that I would never put something where I should and look all over the house/office/car for said item.  By the end of the search, I think that I have looked in the obvious place, so I am shocked when I finally find it there.

This morning, I was looking through my bag, and I found my watch (shockingly, exactly where I thought I had put it a month ago).  I have been lazily keeping an eye out for it around my house, after my second assumption that I had taken it off there and it was now living under a pile of paper or unpacked boxes or maybe in the bottom of one of the decorative holes my dog has kindly added to the yard.

In my great excitement, I put it on immediately and showed it off.  "Isn't it awesome?" said I, "Look how the face is all made out of wood!"  In my world, watches are for decoration.  They are like the non-girly form of a bracelet.  Telling the time is secondary.

Fast forward three hours, and I'm still smiling to myself about the watch.  Then, I check the time on the computer, and unconsciously check the time on the watch.  They are not the same.  The hands on my watch aren't even moving.  Haven't been all day.  It took me the entire morning to notice.

It is not 3:35.  It is 11:20.  Bad watch!

Now, I have to fix the battery in my watch and pray that it hasn't finally given up the ghost from the time I ran it through the washer and dryer.

Fixing a watch battery may sound like something easy, but it seems like an insurmountable goal to me.  There are multiple steps involved:  1) Admit my watch is powerless without a battery, 2) Don't lose watch again, 3) Figure out how to open watch, 4) Don't lose watch back, 5) Find battery type, 6) Buy battery, 7) Set time on watch, 8) Make amends to everyone I have hurt by not knowing the correct time, 9) Continue to not lose watch.

Stay posted for my continued failures as I try to put my watch back into working order (see also: maybe I should just buy a cheap Timex, batteries are hard to find).

Friday, August 26, 2011

Most two-year-olds can do this

There are many items that are considered fool-proof that were probably made for people like me, who are fools.  Items like the easy tear part on a resealable bag of cheese (oh yes, I have cut that whole deal off before), the sharp side of aluminum foil boxes with brightly colored text saying "TEAR HERE" (I usually try to tear it on the soft, flexible, cardboard only side), and jar lids (I can never open them, and end up crying on the floor of the kitchen as my pasta boils and boils and boils).

Then, of course, are the plastic rings that hold together 6 packs of soda (or pop, in my home state of Michigan). I almost always am able to vanquish their hold on my desired drink, but about 60% of the time, I end up punching myself with a full can of soda in the process.  Not on Wednesday, oh no.  On Wednesday, a can just dropped out of the 6 pack while I was carrying it around, making the fallen can's top all fucked up.  I am assuming it's because this product is (awesomely) still made in America, and therefore the cans are all non-uniform and made out of inferior aluminum, but I can't prove that.

I am a generous soul.  I feel bad for things that are deformed, like maybe they'll have no friends.  I imagined my fucked up can in the fridge with all the "normal" cans, and I thought it would probably have a hard and terrible life in there.  I didn't want it to feel like it was being chosen last because of its abnormality, so I chose it FIRST.

Now, the second foolproof item in this story, which is really about how the universe doesn't want me to be hydrated, is the easy-open tabs.  You know the ones; they're on all beverage cans.  They are hearty.  They work really well.  They make that satisfying noise when you press them into the pre-punctured area of the top of the can, which is pleasantly shaped for ease of drinking.

Not for me.  I bent it forward, it almost fell off, and only made a tiny hole in the top of the can.  I thought it would be enough for me to get my delicious ginger ale into my glass, but I was wrong.  All that came out was a few drops of foam.

I decided to battle on.  I was NOT going to let this stupid mutant can defeat me.  No, I would rip its head off if I had to.

In the end, I prevailed, and ended up with a can that looked like it had been exposed to some kind of radiation as a baby pod can, and then been forced through a war.  Oh, the taste of victory is sweet, sweet like ginger ale.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Porch Covering

I like my porch.  It is my favorite place to be, even though all the spiders in the city have moved there.  I like to do the following things on my porch: drink beer, read, nap, drink more beer, sweat profusely in the sun,  eat, drink wine, stare at my dog, and accidentally flash my neighbors (sorry, neighbors) (kind of... you seem like maybe you're a bunch of dicks).

The thing about Oregon is that summer is about 3 and a half weeks long, and then there's something like 15 months of rain.  I don't want to be chased inside just because of the rain, but I also don't want to get wet.  So!  A covering!  A lesser and more practical human being would just buy something like this: A tarp canopy! or this: Another one!

So those are almost exactly what I want to build, but not quite.  I've looked into it, and I'm pretty sure if I spend around $300, I can make my own out of 2" PVC pipes and tarps.  To the diagram:


Now, let's break this thing down in all its glory:

I shouldn't be allowed to handle heavy things

My ability to do things can't be THAT sub-par, right?  I mean, I have managed to live 26 years on this earth without killing myself or anyone else.  I am a productive member of society.  I have basic motor skills, and something like 22 years of sports playing.

Turns out, all that doesn't matter.  I fail at basic things.  Like, today, I wanted some water, but when I arrived at the water cooler, it was empty!  (Or appeared to be.)

Being a good coworker, I thought "I should replace this, so I can have my water, and later my peers can have some water, too."

Disaster.

Water came pouring out of the "empty" water jug, and filled the previously dry place where the new jug was supposed to go.  I noticed this but thought, no, that water will be magically re-absorbed into the full water jug.

It wasn't.

Water sprayed all over the window:

... and me:

Oh, and I just heard the coffee maker beeping sporadically, which it does when it shorts out from water getting on it.  Great.

Moral of the story?  The universe wants me to be lazy.  And thirsty.