Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Vennsday - Minimal Holiday References

Are you feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday spirit all over the interwebs?  Do you want to just take a break, preferably one full of sarcasm?  Then you're in the right place.

....although there is one Christmas reference.  I just put it in there because I wanted to offend everyone who doesn't acknowledge Christ as the one, true path to salvation and righteousness.  I'm talking to YOU, everyone who reads this blog.

Have you ever wanted to make a convoluted insult or compliment, but you just couldn't find something ridiculous and random enough?  Fortunately for you, I am the queen of awkward randomness.  So, next time you really want to intimidate1 someone, say "Like the birds in 'Finding Nemo' say, your ass is mine!  Mine!  Mine!"  Obviously, you have to do the "Mine!"'s in that super high tone that they use.

 Someday, you'll probably wake up from a coma and wonder what time of year it is.  I mean, you don't want to make the common coma-patient faux pas of leaving the hospital in unseasonable clothing (shorts in January?!?!  That's wacky!  Get with the times, person who's been dead to the world for many time units!)  Well, I have a helpful hint for you.  We Americans eat our favorite carb with different toppings according to the proximity of certain holidays.  So, if you see that your potatoes are being served with cabbage, you can rest assured that wearing some kind of leprechaun outfit is a good idea2.

Know your aliens!  Especially this: the only alien you can trust is one in spandex.  Just ask the GOP presidential candidates.

1Ok, maybe it won't actually intimidate them.  But it will annoy them!  And make them take you way less seriously.
2To be fair, wearing a leprechaun outfit is ALWAYS a good idea.


  1. Only white people eat potatoes with mayo. Also, we went to church together (wo)man. I'm over here:

  2. I just tried to follow you, but may have failed completely.

    And I'm pretty sure everyone in Michigan eats potato salad. Stuff + mayo is what we're built of.