Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Vennsday - Timely and Confusing

I know, I know... it's confusing that it is both Wednesday and Vennsday.  It was an accident born of sleep deprivation and the resulting attraction to brightly colored words.  Next week, I'm sure Vennsday will be on an unpredictable day once again.

Shall we?

Have you ever been a hipster in a bar and realized you're sitting next to a guy who just got off the factory line?  Have you thought "This is unironically awkward, what will we talk about?"  Don't fear!  Look in his hand and in your hand and realize that you are both drinking the same terrible beer!  Make a new friend!  (Hipsters, I do not recommend trying this with Don Draper or James Bond because they will scoff and then refuse to tell you where they got their dapper outfits.  Burn.)

Hats are a good warning sign that someone is a hipster.  Hipsters love hats, especially hats that were cool 40 years ago.  Look closely, though, because you may think you're approaching a hipster in a golf cap when BAM you're hit by hair gel and gold chains and you realize that you've just been douched.
NOTE: Lesbians not featured.  They love ALL hats.  Also, I have a theory that all hipsters are just trying to be lesbians.  We've been wearing flannel and chucks for years, people.

Know your gays!  There's a whole world of non-femme lesbians out there, and, trust me, they will be vaguely offended if you label them wrong1.  Look for the signs:  dressing like a gay man?  Probably a boi.  Dressing down a subordinate on their iPhone (which is normally in a hip holster)?  Power dyke.  Wearing sweats and administering friendly shoulder punches?  Sporty.  Stereotypical lesbian shown in the media through the 90's?  Butch.  Mullet?  Could be any of 'em.  It's a problem that plagues our people; I wish I knew why.

Well, I hope you've learned something.  I certainly have.  I've learned that I should limit the number of times my circles overlap because I'm getting dizzy just looking at these things.

1Even though 99% of them will say they don't believe in labels

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