The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while¹ eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now² I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:

• Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
• It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
• I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
• It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
• is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
• is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.

So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?

Vennsday (Thursday) - GOP Irony

I spend a good portion of my day reading the political section of the New York Times and listening to NPR, which means I spend a good portion of my day saying "Really?  Really?!?!" inside my head.  The outright lies  don't get to me, and the thinly veiled racism is an expected part of the campaign season.

What makes me say "Really??" is this total lack of a sense of irony.  I am hoping that the following will both help the GOP understand irony, and maybe help them understand Venn Diagrams, too.

I keep hoping someone there will blame it on climate change, for the double Irony Whammy.

To avoid irony in the next convention, I recommend that they all drive non-union cars to Dick Cheney's back yard using privately made gravel roads.  When they arrive, they can shower Bonnaroo style with baby wipes and a gallon of water, so as to avoid using any government utilities.

To be fair, he probably couldn't afford to keep a residence in Massachusetts.  I mean, there are only so many mortgages one man can carry.  Also, does anyone else get a great image of Mitt as a slacker pot-head, living in his son's basement, playing Mario Kart for 8 hours a day?  No, just me?  Oh, carry on then.

Haiku Friday - Rules of Moving

Rule 1: Your Most Embarrassing Books Will End Up On Top
Yes, that's Left Behind
Right next to Sex for Dummies
And the Twilight books

Rule 2: Trash Bags Are Your Friends
I will be dumping
Whole desk drawers into trash bags
As the truck arrives

Rule 3: Planning Only Gets You So Far
Now everything's packed
Except cake pans, tampons, and
Pictures of Grandma

Rule 4: You Don't Make Good Decisions After Pulling An All-Nighter To Move (or: Sometimes All Your Quarters End Up Spilling Out In Front Of NYC Traffic)
Filling my beer fridge
With pillows and cups of change
Didn't turn out well

Rule 5: Nostalgia Will Defeat You
Hour four of packing:
Clutching an old, stained t-shirt
Thinking of college

Vennsday - PSA's

I've learned some important things in my absence.  Things like how it's way harder to blog when you are really busy at work, and other things like ow, it really hurts when I bite my tongue when I'm trying to prove a point about how many fries I can fit in my mouth at once (at least 14, but then I ran out of fries).

Now I want to pass some lessons on to you.  These are important things, so pay attention.

Kids, don't do drugs.  If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things.  Remember Mean Girls?  Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!"  Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious?  And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL???  Oh, sorry, I got off track there.  The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video.  And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober.  (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)

I can tell you think you're safe.  You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets."  You're wrong.  This accent is contagious.  Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer.  The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech.  (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)

Texting and driving is against the law.  But what about texting and walking, that's safe right?  You're just moseying down the sidewalk, typing in unintelligible abbreviations, minding your own busi OH MY GOD A BEAR.  Yeah.  It really happened.  It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there.  Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.

Haiku Friday - Engineers

Engineers Can Be Buzzkills At College Parties
The manual says
Those tables are not rated
For drunken dancing

...But They Don't Hug Either
Some of us chose math
Over proper social skills
Numbers never mock

Sure, It's Shiny And Silver Now, But It Doesn't Buzz Anymore, Does it?
Makers of duct tape
Love when engineers say this:
I could improve that

We May Be Bad At Fighting, But We Also Control Whether Or Not You Have Running Water
Don't come between nerds
And their calculators, 'cause
You'll risk weak punches

It's Why I Avoid Mirrors
Engineers are an
Easily startled people,
Confused by women

Haiku Friday - Community Returns

I Do A Really Good Impression Of A Lazy Person
I spent a weekend
In bed, watching two seasons
Of Community

Hacky-Sackin' Ruffian
It was a dark time
When Vaughn and his weird nipples
Came between the crew

Be The Chang You Want To See In The World¹
Here's my secret dream:
I'll live in the vents with Chang.
Don't tell the monkey

Go Banana Slugs!
The Human Being
Is not the worst school mascot
...just the creepiest

Ode To Abed
You're so coolcoolcool
I would create six timelines
Just to be your friend

¹I went through so many titles, and they were all creepily sexual: "A Chang Would Do Me Good" or "A Chang is Gonna Come" or "Chang Is Hard."  And now you all have to have that in your head, too.

Vennsday - HAPPY PI DAY, WORLD!

Vennsday is back!  And just in time for my favorite non-holiday.

Let's take a look at the relationship between pi and pie, and while we do that, let's all buy a pie and figure out its area, circumference, and volume while we eat it.¹

It is not every day that math and sweets are brought together.  I mean, I suppose you could make one, like "Every time I MATH, I get an m&m."  ...that's a great idea, actually.  Someone bring me some candy!

Guys, the hypothetical conversation that pi and pie have is actually really awkward because they don't have much in common.  Pie: "So, circles, right?"  Pi: "....yup."  And then pie goes back to being delicious and pi goes back to having its digits memorized by math geeks as some kind of useless badge of honor.  And the sexual tension between them goes un-addressed.

It's the irrationality that makes it delicious.

¹If you wait long enough, the answer to all three will be zero and also "uhhhhh my stomach"
²I learned how to do mouseover text on images.  Enjoy!

Haiku Friday - Sunshine in March

This Is Your Oregon Brain On Spring Sunshine
What is that bright thing?
Sun?  Sun??  Sun!  SunSunSunSun
Oh, now it's raining

All I Need Is 15 Minutes Of Hops And Vitamin D
I know that it's cold
But I'll take my beer outside
The cloud cover broke

It Helps If You Pretend All The Water On Your Skin Is Sweat
In the darkest days
I leave my jacket home, and
Count light rain as sun

HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW I'M GAY?!?!??!?
I'm in a panic
What if it tops seventy?
My plaid shorts aren't clean!

When It Suns, It Pours
None of us trust it
Sure, it's pretty and warm, but
We've been drenched before

Haiku Friday - Michigan Primary

FWOOOOOP - That's The Sound Of The 900,000 UAW Votes You Just Lost
We Michiganders
Do not look kindly upon
Your union busting

A Native Wouldn't Start With The Height Of The Trees¹
I'll believe you're from
Michigan when I see your
Birth certificate

The Mitten Was Not Smitten
Campaigning trod on
Prospective voters lost hope
....Vote for Democrats!

So I Feel Really Connected To Mitt
I'm no ardent fan
But I have great friends who own
NASCAR Matchbox Sets

It's Actually Horribly Awkward
I almost threw up
When I read Kennedy's speech.
I puke when impressed.

¹"Go State!" would have worked way better.

Haiku Friday - Mornings

It's A Skill Ryder's Taken Years To Perfect

Radio goes on

Dog jumps hard on my bladder

It's time to wake up

It Was A Bigger, Shinier Target Through My Mostly Closed Eyes

In trying to feed

My dog, I dumped his breakfast

In the water dish

No Matter How Much You Mean It At The Time Because It's 6 am For The Love Of God

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Kills your soul a bit¹

Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne, Your Voices Are Like The Building Blocks for Dreams

I love NPR

It's like forty-five minutes

Of extra sleeping

You Want Me To Bend Over and Fix Them?

I put my slippers
On the wrong feet twice this week.
I wore them that way.

¹Also:

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Doesn't really work

Ash Vennsday

First of all, props to my friend Miller who came up with the name and inspiration for this Vennsday.  Yes, that's a real person, not a bottle of beer that I call my friend, although I do that, too.

Anyways, Lent is a time of restraint and penance and prayer.  It is like a cleanse for your soul, in which you live on only lemon soul juice and cayenne soul pepper, and you feel terrible until the hallucinations come on, and then you feel great because you think you just defeated the devil.

It's like inside-out Christmas.

It is, in short, the antithesis of me.

Fun things about Lent: saying Maundy Thursday and being a kid and having sword fights with the cross-shaped palms on Palm Sunday.

Not-fun things about Lent: everything else.

Which is why Lent and I are as separate as the green circle in the Venn Diagram below¹:

Know what I like?  Things that I like.  So I'm gonna keep doing 'em.

Maybe I've been a little too hard on the Church thus far.  I mean, if it weren't for Lent, there would be no Mardi Gras².  And if there were no Mardi Gras, my only excuse for drinking on Tuesday would be "why not?"

 I don't want fish on Fridays.  I want a beer and a burger.  Or maybe like a beer and a burger, but instead of buns, there will be two filets and some pork belly, and then that will be followed up by a bourbon.  Fish is for Sunday brunch when I want something light.  Or maybe for Saturday happy hour at the sushi restaurant.

¹I think it's clear to everyone that today isn't my best day for similes.
²There would also be no excuse to say snarky things like "I would respond, but I gave up reading bad grammar for Lent" on youtube comments.^3
3I have never actually commented on youtube anything in my life because that whole comment realm makes me believe that it's the end times.

Haiku Friday - Birth Out-of-control

My Parents Didn't Read The Fine Print
Couples, practice rhythm!
High success rates!  Side effects:
Frequent pregnancy

What Did They Use Before Aspirin?
I had it explained:
A pill between the knees means
Stop whoring it up¹

Abstinence... Just Kidding!
Weird, no one mentions
The best birth control method:
Gay relationships

Yes, Let's Discuss Lines Crossed
Religious freedoms?
Issa, they are less trampled
Than women's bodies

Everyone Wins!  (Except, Probably, Romney)
Here's a time machine
It's set for 1920
Get in, GOP!

¹True story, I really didn't understand what it meant.  I thought "Maybe it's about pleading a headache?  But then why the knees?  Maybe they thought aspirin was a spermicide?"^2
2Sometimes, I'm really naive.

Vennsday - Awkward

You know those people who are good with everyone?  They can keep up an interesting conversation in any situation, and then never seem to trip or stutter or offend anyone?  I am the opposite.

In honor of me, let's examine awkwardness:

 I can't figure out hugs.  I mean, I understand how they work, and I successfully give them to people I know really well, but I am not someone who just... hugs.  I should, because what happens instead is I go in for the handshake, and then all of a sudden that hand is awkwardly trapped between us, and then I accidentally grope the hugger.  It ends badly.  On second thought, maybe I should just avoid human contact.

 

Nothing kills a good joke like someone being offended.  On the other hand, I usually manage to say offend someone within about five minutes of meeting them.  How was I supposed to know that your grandmother was killed by walking into a bar?!?!

Well, the good news is... it won't be awkward for long.

Haiku Friday - Gay Marriage

At Least He's A Boy! ...'Cause Gay Dog Marriage Is Just Wrong
Legal gay marriage
Makes me wonder: how long 'til
I can wed my dog?

Not Even Your Sweater Vests Can Ruin This Week For Me
What's that, Santorum?
I couldn't hear your hatred
Over all the gay

How I Met Your Father (And Why We Have Separate Bedrooms)
Is it gay marriage
If I decide to marry
Neil Patrick Harris?

They Haven't Had This Much Business Since Hillary Was Campaigning
Makers of pant-suits
Are celebrating the news
And watching Ellen

I Now Pronounce You Mitt And Husbands
Twenty debates are
Equivalent to marriage
In many cultures

Vennsday - Come Together

It's hard to see, sometimes, what liberals and conservatives have in common.  Obviously, we all like the Colbert Report¹ and tacos, but those things only get us so far².

Do we have any other things in common?  Let's examine some issues.

Nerds can be liberals or conservatives: nerdism doesn't discriminate.  They all agree that cotton is comfortable and that school is pretty awesome, but they don't agree on the best source of news.  Let's just stick to what we agree on: being stuffed in a locker gets to be uncomfortable after a while.

Everyone agrees that art goes on walls or sometimes in gardens, but not everyone agrees that Picasso is art (*I seriously had a guy in college art history class argue about whether or not Picasso was art because he didn't recognize the figure as a person).  Let's just all go look at a nice Monet, and make little paint-smushing noises as we think about his method³.

Teenage sex is there, in the middle of our country, just like this yellow Venn circle in the middle of the diagram, where no one likes to talk about it.  Conservatives get around this by basically ignoring it and handing out abstinence only textbooks that I can only assume have a cover, a back cover, and a single sheet that says "NO" in giant letters between the two covers.  Liberals overcompensate by talking about all the feelings involved and all the birth control options and encouraging their children to read some interesting books about teenage sex before they have "the talk" so that it can be an informed discussion and emailing Dan Savage when it turns their kid is gay so that they can start all over again but have the books about teenage gay sex.  Seriously, though, kids: use a condom.⁴

¹The great thing about the Report is that everyone thinks they're in on a big secret that the other side doesn't get.
²Mostly these two things get us to our couch for fourth meal.
³Is that just me?  I like to add sound effects to my art experiences....
⁴You should all know that while I was writing that paragraph, I was still making paint smushing sounds in my head and thinking about Monet.

Haiku Friday - Visual Stimulation Of Yesteryear

If I Still Had It, It Would Be Cool Again

The ninja turtles

Graced my lunchbox until an

Embarrassing age

This May Explain My Strange Fondness For English Actresses Born Before World War II

I had no cable

Instead of Salute Your Shorts

'Twas Murder, She Wrote

Maybe The 3D Version Will Have A Different Ending!

I saw Titanic

Six times in the theater

He died every time

I've Seen That Movie Enough Times For All Of You

Sleepovers required

Watching the movie Clueless

Quoting, constantly

Damn Kids, Talking About "Mars Needs Moms" grumble grumble grumble

When I was a kid

Disney movies were still good

Now get off my lawn!

Vennsday - Tiny Overlaps

If you're going to get all accurate about it, the amount of overlap that a Venn Diagram has visually is unrelated to the actual set size.  I don't care.  I like it when the overlap size is "to scale."

With that in mind, here are some things that have only one thing in common:

Obviously they're going to make a movie about my life.  I think that's just something we all should accept.  It will probably be some kind of indie super hero movie, in which I'll be nerdy but hot (and buff), and I'll do things like hold up a falling bridge with my great strength and MATH and solve climate change.  There will be nary a spreadsheet or overworked city planner in sight.  But, somewhere in the MATH montage, there will be a brief moment of comic relief when I write "BOOBS" on my calculator.¹

There's nothing worse than accidentally making eye contact with the Drunk Guy at a bar in the middle of the afternoon, and then being forced to have a conversation with him.  I can't find it in myself to say "I'm just here for a sandwich, bro, please leave me alone."  Instead, I get to hear about all the things he likes: bus passes, finally passing a class he failed thirty years ago, his salad, no seriously he salad is amazing would I like to try it, and Asian girls because they're good at math.  Oh, Drunk Guy, racist comments are a terrible way to make friends.  We could have just talked about beer!

Oh, wait, he floated that as a serious campaign promise?  Uh, never mind.

¹Instead of saying "turn that frown upside down," everyone should say "turn that 58008 upside down" because then you get boobs AND a smile.

Further Adventures in Hydration

I've started drinking water with a PURPOSE.  It's a journey.  Here are some excerpts from my hydration journal¹.

Day 1

9:00 am I just found out that my girlfriend drinks a lot of water.  I bet I could drink more.

9:02 am  The internet just told me that the most water I can absorb is about 8 oz every fifteen minutes.  That's the amount of water I will drink.

10:03 am  Staff meeting!  I hope it's short, I'm only bringing one pint of water with me.

10:45 am  Oh god, it ran late, I'll chug 16 oz of water to make up for it!

11:30 am  I feel weird.  It couldn't be the 75 ounces of water I've had to drink.

12:15 pm  My girlfriend points out that maybe I'm messing with my salt.  I think she's probably trying to win the water drinking competition she didn't know we are having.

12:16 pm  I pick up a vitamin water, just in case she has a point.  Maybe it will help with the (totally unrelated) dizziness.

12:50 pm  I realize my vitamin water has no salt in it.

12:51 pm  I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

1:00 pm  [Illegible] fries [illegible]

6:34 pm  I don't remember the last five hours, but it appears that I have installed a salt-lick in my back yard.  I'm going to go to sleep.

Day 2

8:50 am  Oh crap!  I forgot about the water competition!

9:15 am  Wait, didn't I figure out that chugging 32 oz of water in under a half hour is bad?  Eh, I'm sure it will be fine.

10:07 am  ALL I EVER DO IS PEE.

11:10 am  Is it possible to drown inside your own body?

1:15 pm  It feels like there's a tempest inside my belly.  I like to sway back and forth and feel the water slosh and hear all the enzymes scream "TSUNAMI" as they try to digest my lunch.

1:23 pm  I have developed an UNNATURAL FONDNESS for caps.  I am unsure if THIS IS AT ALL RELATED.

1:37 pm  I wikipedia "hydration."  It has many words that I don't understand, which frightens and confuses me.

1:58 pm  Blogging about hydration has made me dangerously close to what I have come to know as dehydration².

Ok, I've only been drinking water for two days.  So that's all I have.  I expect by tomorrow afternoon, I will have been distracted by something new.  If you'd like to keep your own hydration journal, I suggest you get off the internet and go make some friends.  Because, seriously, is drinking water the most exciting thing you have going on?³

¹I don't keep a hydration journal.  That would be lame.  I just made up these excerpts for the sake of humor.

²I assume that not peeing for close to ten minutes is a sign of dehydration.

³Did I just insult my own blog entry?

Haiku Friday - The Zoo

That Sounds More Threatening Than I Meant It To

Mr. Elephant,

I think you could jump this fence

Soon, I will fix that

Nothing Ruins A Cuteness High Quite Like Poo

I took a picture

Right as the tiny penguin

Decided to poop

Oh, Was That Your Baby I Just Made Into A Delicious Curry?

The three mountain goats

Stopped their chewing and faced me

Murder in their eyes

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CUDDLE, SUN BEAR?

I learned that sun bears

Are the smallest Portland has

But their claws still hurt

Plus, You're Way Less Fun To Club

Nothing personal

But you sea lions are just

Fat, less-cute fur seals

Vennsday - God Loves You And Your Need For Booze

Well, it seems that the Venn Diagram Dinocorn has finally started working again.  That lazy bastard.  And!  With its new enhanced dinosaur powers, it is using more color!

These are exciting times, people.

Let's get to it.

This is also a nice diagram of my entire diet.  Anyways, you could show yourself to be a good, solid guy from Illinois by literally eating meat 'n potatoes.  That sounds pretty tasty, if slightly bland.  Or, you could be a 14-year-old who has decided that meat is evil and is eating only cheese sandwiches.  Without the meat is evil part, that sounds like Thursday to me¹.  But, put all those magical yet common ingredients together, and you have what some² would call nirvana: the cheeseburger.  I just had one two hours ago, and you know what?  I want more.  Thanks for loving me, God!³

Best quote of the week:  "More debates, more vetting of candidates because we know the mistake made in our country four years ago was having a candidate that was not vetted." - Sarah Palin.  Ah, she consistently reminds me why I listen to political podcasts.  It is less funny to think about any kind of could-have-been face off between her and Ahmadinejad.  They would have both agreed that there were no gay people in their jurisdictions, been creepily folksy, and then hunted each other with helicopters.  Final thought: Tea Parties started becoming way less fun when they decided that maybe Newt Gingrich should be president.

I'm bringing it all together here, for a nice clean wrap-up.  It looks like it's about food and drink and then SURPRISE it's about politics.  That, kids, is how you make an old-fashioned, or as we call them at my house, Anna's maybe-three-more-of-these-will-make-thinly-veiled-racism-funny⁴ juice.

¹Wednesday obviously being the day that I spend working on my blog instead of grocery shopping.
²Ok, just me.

³I'm not saying that God doesn't love Jewish people, I'm just saying that he wants them to be miserable and hungry.

⁴They didn't.

I Live Here Monday - Matrix Rain Talking

Well, winter has arrived.  Rain, rain, rain, flooding, muddy floors, etc.  In everywhere except the Pacific Northwest, rain does not require an entirely different wardrobe.  You can wear a nice warm jacket, and use an umbrella to stay dry.  Here, though, rain doesn't fall-it hovers.  You walk into it, so if you're not wearing something waterproof, you're going to end up soaked.  Umbrellas are just a fun way of shouting "tourist!"

Good rain jackets have hoods.  Hoods which do weird, weird things to us:

Summer!  Two friends are walking and chatting, enjoying the day.  They can observe each other's body language and reactions using their peripheral vision or, when necessary, a head turn.  They understand each other perfectly, and they end the day happy.

But then... the rains come.  Plants die, clouds flip you the bird, and they start living off just coffee and beer.  Of course, they still go for walks with friends, because it's Eugene and outdoor activities are required.  But!  They keep getting into fights because they can't see each other.  They are pretty much invisible to the other one.  Maybe one of them even got hit by a bus ten minutes ago; the other one won't know because his hood is in the way.  They can turn their heads as much as they want, but those hoods obey the jackets, so it will not turn with them.

After a couple days, they learn that they need to turn their whole shoulders in order to see each other.  But a simple turn makes them FACE TO FACE, which is considered a confrontation.  People here don't do well with direct confrontation.  Feelings of fear and anger and sadness are aroused, leading to processing.  Lots and lots of processing.

To avoid all this, they have to twist their bodies both to face the person they're walking with and away from that person, so as to avoid confrontation.  This means that during conversation, their bodies are twisted like Neo's in the Matrix when he's dodging bullets.  I don't even want to think about what it does to their backs, but it sure is a great core work-out.

Haiku Friday - We'll Miss You, Rick Perry

It Seems Like A Bad Idea To Piss Off Gay Soldiers, Right?
Remember that time
You dressed like a lesbian
For your gay bashing?

Although It Is True That If You're 21 on November 12th, You Can Vote
Before your next run
Brush up on the voting age
And election date

Sarah Palin's Wolves and Helicopters Thing Was Much More Impressive
Hunting coyotes
With a laser-sighted gun -
Are you a bad shot?

Commerce, Education, and Energy
Haikus go five and
Seven syllables, and then...
What's the last? Uh... Oops

That Only Works If You're Governor Of Texas AND Have A Powerful Father
It's not that I think
That you're stupid, it's just that...
Oh, fine, yes I do

Dinocorns Against SOPA - CENSORED VENNSDAY

Guys, something awesome happened today, and then something terrible.

I was searching under my desk for the fruits of my Magical Venn Unicorn's labor and discovered that it had gotten into the radioactive dinosaur fossils (I should probably find a better place for them).  I was worried about the health of my unicorn, but it turns out that the radiation and dinosaur DNA made it into a SUPER AWESOME CREATURE: the Dinocorn¹.

"Yay!" said I to myself, "I'll post this to my blog, and everyone will be happy!"

But, when I went to post, this happened:

Certain members of Congress want to keep you guys from seeing Dinocorns.  Don't let them win.

Let's agree that censorship is bad.  It's especially bad when it's post-its covering up a sweet drawing of a Dinocorn.

Find out of your local representatives are against SOPA - if they're not, contact them and tell them they should be.  Your internet enjoyment depends on it.

Haiku Friday - Hipsters

Or Is That Just Your Sperm Count Dropping

Are your skinny jeans

Squeezing out all of life's joy,

Despondent hipster?

It's Like 10,000 Spoons When All You Have Is A Bunch Of Ice Cream and 9,999 Friends

How much irony

Before the cycle completes

At sincerity

Please Repeat Yourself, But This Time Without The Assault On My Eyes

I couldn't hear you

Over your neon Ray-Bans

And sparkly leggings

Today's Special Is Condescension-Braised Short Ribs

Hipsters make great food

It's bitterly seasoned with

Disdainful service

Or Maybe You Fell Into A Vat Of Electric Razors And Pomade?

Tell me that mustache

Is an elaborate joke

That I just don't get

Vennsday Thursday - Circles! Ovals! More Circles!

For two weeks, I had tiny little sketches of Venn Diagrams sitting on my desk, and I just didn't put them into a legible form.  Until now.

We'll learn about costumes, the definition of sadness (hint: it's the opposite of bacon), and how nature is awesome.  Oh, you'll learn about some of my ridiculous fears, too.  If only for that, read on!

I confess, I have never been to a midnight premiere of anything.  That sentence brings sadness to my heart.  On the other hand, I'm probably never going to dress up to see a movie (unless it's in The Bloggess Style).  Geeky question:  Who wins in Jedi vs. Wizards?  Grab a case of beer, and talk about that with your buddies.

This Venn Diagram is like the circles of hell, or at the very least circles of sadness.  Know what I love?  Cheese.  Know what else I love?  Carbs, all of them.  Even if I couldn't have carbs or cheese, I would still be happy because at least I could eat bacon.  On the other side of the spectrum, there's my mom, who, I can only assume, cries herself to sleep every night with low-sodium tears.  She told me she was going on a low-carb vegan diet, and I think I stared at her for three minutes silently before asking what she can eat.  (Answer: kale and disappointment).

"Swans are all the way in the "badass animals" circle and dinosaurs are only half in - what are you, high?"... is probably what you're saying right now.  I stand by it.  There are probably some non-badass dinosaurs, that like went around being vegan and worked as dinosaur accountants or something.  But swans, dude, swans are insane.  They are territorial and their wings can break your leg.  I'm serious.  Do not mess with those motherfuckers.  Sometimes I try to make super badass mythical creatures up, and today I was like "What if they mixed the scariness that is swans with dinosaurs, that would be INSANE" and then I realized... nature did that already!  Nature is awesome.  I hope it wants to be Facebook friends with me.

I (Used To) Live Here Monday - Meijer

I am not going to do Meijer justice.  I am going to leave you saying "I don't get it, isn't it just like some weird Michigan version of Walmart or Fred Meyer?"  And for that, I am sorry.  Maybe the best thing to do is to find someone from Michigan who has moved away, and ask them about Meijer.  There is a 93% chance they'll tear up a little bit.

If God dies, he's going to end up at Meijer and wonder why heaven sucks so much.

At Meijer, they sell everything, and they do it cheaply.  Need clothes?  Go to Meijer.  Need furniture?  Go to Meijer.  Need a fountain for your garden?  Go to Meijer.  Need any kind of food or drink?  Go to Meijer.  Need a black-market baby?  Go to the inky shadows behind Meijer¹.

I like lists.  Here's a breakdown of Meijer vs. Walmart, in fancy table form.

Important Issue	Meijer	Wal*mart
Literacy	Silent "j" - badass.  Silent letters are like the ninjas of spelling.	Silent *.  * isn't even a letter, so this all results in confusion and decreased American literacy.
Miracles	I have not seen it happen myself, but I'm pretty sure Meijer is where Jesus learned to turn water into wine.	Every time someone buys a three sizes too-small tube-top, a guardian angel dies.
Greeters	Happy and kind.  Possibly on some kind of upper.	Kidnapped from nursing homes.
Ad campaign	A million reasons, a single store (this jingle gets stuck in my head every time I go home).	A smiley face that makes everyone want to punch smiley faces in the... uh... face.
Rainbows	In the middle of every Meijer, there is a field full of unicorns and rainbows. And, right next to it, there is a cheaper Meijer Brand field full of 5-color rainbows and a horse with a birthday hat on the front of its forehead.	Wal*mart hates gay people.
Mechanical Pony Rides	One cent.  Adults not prohibited (officially).	Null set (which means the sobbing of tiny, innocent children.  And me.)

In short, Meijer is where happiness and love come from.  It's why Michiganders are so friendly.

If you ever visit Michigan, go to Meijer.  Just don't get the Meijer brand mac 'n cheese... it tastes like burning tires and genocide.

¹On that note, weird things happen in the Meijer parking lot after 11 pm.  Park close and stay in the light.

Haiku Friday - My Childhood

Jesus on a dinosaur, I have been slacking on my blog.  No Vennsday, and here it is, after 5 on the east coast on a Friday, and I have not posted an haiku yet.  I haven't even had a footnote in weeks.  Life has been insanity since landing back here on the west coast... and by that, obviously, I mean that work has been insanity, and then I have fallen asleep by 8:00 every night.

But!  Right now!  I am turning my life around, starting with some calming and peaceful haiku about my childhood.


Really, Those Are The First Two Questions Almost Always
I went to prep school
No, it was not all women
Yes, it was Hogwarts

But Everyone Pretended I Didn't Know Until Last Year
Youngest child perils:
I knew Santa was a myth
Before I was five

My Sisters Still Think It's Unfair (But You Killed Santa!)
Youngest child awesomes:
Washing way fewer dishes
Watching more TV

The Syllabus Called It "Religion"
Catholic Schooling
Classes in math, reading, and
Homophobia

That First Line Should Probably Be Commemorated On A Sampler Or Something
Mom and Dad were right
I really wanted a dog
Just not to walk it