Friday, November 25, 2011

Haiku Friday - Thanksgiving, etc. Edition

We Had French for Thanksgiving Dinner, And You Know What, People of France? You're Aight
I knew I liked you
When you served us the green beans
Wrapped up in bacon

Plus It's Mostly Vegetable!  So Healthy!
My mother taught me
Pumpkin pie can be breakfast
Because it has eggs

It's The Only Thing No One Is Allergic To
In my family,
The first, middle, and last course:
A bottle of wine

Fewer Claws Though
Seventeen of us
A loose itinerary
It's like herding cats

We Still Have To Sit At A Tiny Table And Use Sippy Cups Though
Chillin with cousins:
A permanent kids' table
But now with more booze!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Vennsday - Places Edition

It is again Vennsday, which as we all know is, at best, Wednesdayish.

I am posting from my phone because I am traveling.  The Venn diagrams are appropriately rushed and travel themed...  I drew them free hand on the BART on the back of my plane ticket.

They may be illegible.  Maybe they'll be funnier that way.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!


Friday, November 18, 2011

Haiku Friday - Dinosaurs

Have You Ever Had That Dream Where You Can't Scream And There Are Velociraptors Approaching?
Jurassic Park 2
Gave me nightmares, though I was
Twenty-one years old

Useful, Except For Finding A Bike Shop In 71 Million BC Is Killer1
A magazine said
I could out-run a T-rex
On a mountain bike

Or Good News, Depending On How Attached You Are To Your Soul
If you didn't cry
At Land Before Time, bad news:
You don't have a soul

Because It Would Be Surprising, Right?
From now on, please use
"Jesus on a dinosaur!"
To express surprise

There's So Much We'll Never Know 'Cause They Went Extinct Before Their Time
This morning I thought
Would dinosaurs like haiku?
Damn you, meteor



1Ha, get it?  Killer?  Because a T-rex just ripped you apart.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Crappy Self Promotion

Follow me on twitter!  twitter.com/crappyprojects

Or.... just look at the sidebar on this page.  Did you know you can embed twitter feeds into blogs?  I learned that yesterday.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Venn Diagram Wednesday - Less Meta This Time

It's Vennsday again!  Everyone rejoice!  The circles are back... and this time they're all the same size!

This week, you'll learn important things about Oregon, how to create a New York Times bestseller, and the fact that I totally boned your mom last night.  Yeah, she'll probably deny it, but that's because she thinks you can't handle the truth.

Sick of words?  Me too.  Let's get to the lo-fi diagrams.

Yup, that pretty much covers this state.  FYI, hipsters and hippies agree on only one thing: showers are lame.

We live in a world where Tyra Banks and Snooki have bestsellers and Ayn Rand is regarded as a genius.   The apocalypse called to say, "Wow, I think I'll cancel my 2012 plans for Earth because I don't want to get near that crazy-assed place."


Ha, your mom ruined your family!  Oh, wait... sorry, dude.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Haiku Friday - Odes to Crappy Music

Bashō Is Rolling In His Grave1
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
....Crap, it's a haiku

There Is No One More Time (or: Misinterpretation of Songs Is a Hobby of Mine)
Hit me, baby, once
You were supposed to know that
Abuse isn't cool

I Have A Theory That Fergie Took A Spelling Class2 Before Making "The Dutchess"
I could spell tasty
'Til I heard "Fergalicious"
Drop the e, Fergie

Open Letter To Katy Perry
I kissed a girl, too!
But Jill Sobule beat us both
And her song's better3

Ke$ha Should Clarify That Zero Out Of Five Dentists Recommend Her Methods
My teeth all fell out
When I took your advice re:
A bottle of Jack



1I know, I know, Rebecca Black was over about 7 months ago.  But I wake up every Friday, and that song gets stuck in my head, and I'm trying to pass that curse onto you.
2That she probably failed, or got a C in, at best.
3Admittedly, though
It's much less fun to dance to
Let's call it even

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Venn Diagram Wednesday

Ok, today's not Wednesday1.  But this is a blog that is theoretically2 dedicated to projects that suck in the first place and then I never finish.  So, it seems appropriate that my first of this weekly series is a day late (literally) and a buck short (not literally... unless my Venn Diagrams get beaten up and are forced to cough up their lunch money).

I love Venn Diagrams.  I often use them when they are not the best way to convey information because they're so much fun.  Sometimes I describe them using my words because there are no surfaces around to write on.

In an effort to raise awareness about how flexible Venn Diagrams are, every week I will use the same Venn Diagram set-up to depict a minimum of three different sets of information.  I promise that this information will never make you smarter, and in some cases may actually lower your IQ (if you're having one of those terrible high IQ days).

Quickly!  To the Venn Diagrams!

Have you wondered what Venn Diagrams are for paragraphs and paragraphs?  Wonder no more!

I doodled this one during my staff meeting on Monday.  It was getting dangerously close to lunch.

 If ninjas and pirates were actually that close, the geek's ultimate wet dream of a fight would be happening.  I have strong opinions about the victor of this fight.




1Or, as they will be called from now on around here, Vennsday.
2In practice, it seems much more dedicated to my weekly haiku.3
3That's a haiku.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Haiku Friday - It's Winter

I Really Am This Cheap.  It's 55 Degrees In My House.
How many blankets
Are needed to compensate
For not using heat

It Was Dry In September... So Only Another Seven Months Until I Can Again Leave My House Without A Raincoat1
Out-of-staters think
Nine months of rain is a joke
I assure you, no.

One Time I Was Stranded In Downtown Portland Because Of Three Inches Of Snow.  I Was Not Laughing Then.
At one inch of snow
Oregonians freak out
And I laugh at them

Maybe White Sheets Were A Terrible Idea
I know it's winter
When my dog leaves muddy prints
All over my bed

The Pacific Northwest Version of This Song2 Really Is Less Satisfying
I'm dreaming of a
Wet Christmas, just like the ones...
Oh wait, no I'm not


1This title has more syllables than the poem.  Is that a sign of success or failure?  I vote success.
2I wrote it.  Right now.  There are bums and cheap booze involved.  And rain, inches and inches of rain.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Crappy Sayings

I feel a great emptiness inside.  It's 90% hunger because it's almost lunch time, 4% from where a soul would be if I weren't gay, but a full 6% is empty1 because I don't have a snappy ending to "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage.... "  Why am I thinking about this?  Because I was Peter Pan for Halloween, and as we all know, every time you say you don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies.

I'm pretty sure that anyone2 who doesn't believe in gay marriage wouldn't have a huge problem with "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage, a gay (or gay marriage) dies."  But what about these?

Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage...
  • ...a God-fearing, evangelical couple in Alabama gets divorced3.
  • ...Dick Cheney has a heart attack.
  • ...an embryo's stem cells are harvested, bringing us that much closer to curing various diseases... and killing a baby4.
  • ...Herman Cain sexually harasses an employee while denying sexually harassing an employee, right in front of someone from Politico.
  • ...a child learns about evolution, then falls asleep during the intelligent design lesson.
  • ...Obama's approval rating goes up by a point.
  • ...a minority and/or illegal immigrant gets that migrant worker job that you were all jazzed about applying for.
  • ...a book with four and five-syllable words gets published.
  • ...science happens.
  • ...two teenagers have unprotected sex on top of their abstinence only homework while wearing their promise rings and then are on "16 and Pregnant."
  • ...Sarah Palin gets asked what publications she reads, which is totally a trick question from the elite liberal media, those bastards.   She protects us from Russia, doncha know.
  • ...a Kardashian gets divorced3.
  • ...Chuck Norris gets punched by a ninja.
Uh, I am running out of things that showcase my prejudice against the south, GOP candidates, bigots, people who can't read good (and don't want to do other things good, too), and reality TV stars.

Any other suggestions?  Any favorites?  Any haters5?


1Numbers not your thing?  I made a pie chart6.


2Wow!  Over-generalization!  That whole sentence is totally offensive!
3This is actually true.
4If you're in Mississippi.
5I think my blog needs some haters.  Then I'll really feel like I've made it.
6I am really into pie charts today, probably because this morning I saw a quiche that looks incredible, and quiche is like the meal version of pie.