The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while¹ eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now² I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:

• Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
• It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
• I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
• It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
• is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
• is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.

So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?

Further Adventures in Hydration

I've started drinking water with a PURPOSE.  It's a journey.  Here are some excerpts from my hydration journal¹.

Day 1

9:00 am I just found out that my girlfriend drinks a lot of water.  I bet I could drink more.

9:02 am  The internet just told me that the most water I can absorb is about 8 oz every fifteen minutes.  That's the amount of water I will drink.

10:03 am  Staff meeting!  I hope it's short, I'm only bringing one pint of water with me.

10:45 am  Oh god, it ran late, I'll chug 16 oz of water to make up for it!

11:30 am  I feel weird.  It couldn't be the 75 ounces of water I've had to drink.

12:15 pm  My girlfriend points out that maybe I'm messing with my salt.  I think she's probably trying to win the water drinking competition she didn't know we are having.

12:16 pm  I pick up a vitamin water, just in case she has a point.  Maybe it will help with the (totally unrelated) dizziness.

12:50 pm  I realize my vitamin water has no salt in it.

12:51 pm  I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

1:00 pm  [Illegible] fries [illegible]

6:34 pm  I don't remember the last five hours, but it appears that I have installed a salt-lick in my back yard.  I'm going to go to sleep.

Day 2

8:50 am  Oh crap!  I forgot about the water competition!

9:15 am  Wait, didn't I figure out that chugging 32 oz of water in under a half hour is bad?  Eh, I'm sure it will be fine.

10:07 am  ALL I EVER DO IS PEE.

11:10 am  Is it possible to drown inside your own body?

1:15 pm  It feels like there's a tempest inside my belly.  I like to sway back and forth and feel the water slosh and hear all the enzymes scream "TSUNAMI" as they try to digest my lunch.

1:23 pm  I have developed an UNNATURAL FONDNESS for caps.  I am unsure if THIS IS AT ALL RELATED.

1:37 pm  I wikipedia "hydration."  It has many words that I don't understand, which frightens and confuses me.

1:58 pm  Blogging about hydration has made me dangerously close to what I have come to know as dehydration².

Ok, I've only been drinking water for two days.  So that's all I have.  I expect by tomorrow afternoon, I will have been distracted by something new.  If you'd like to keep your own hydration journal, I suggest you get off the internet and go make some friends.  Because, seriously, is drinking water the most exciting thing you have going on?³

¹I don't keep a hydration journal.  That would be lame.  I just made up these excerpts for the sake of humor.

²I assume that not peeing for close to ten minutes is a sign of dehydration.

³Did I just insult my own blog entry?

Haiku Friday - The Zoo

That Sounds More Threatening Than I Meant It To

Mr. Elephant,

I think you could jump this fence

Soon, I will fix that

Nothing Ruins A Cuteness High Quite Like Poo

I took a picture

Right as the tiny penguin

Decided to poop

Oh, Was That Your Baby I Just Made Into A Delicious Curry?

The three mountain goats

Stopped their chewing and faced me

Murder in their eyes

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CUDDLE, SUN BEAR?

I learned that sun bears

Are the smallest Portland has

But their claws still hurt

Plus, You're Way Less Fun To Club

Nothing personal

But you sea lions are just

Fat, less-cute fur seals

Venn Diagram Wednesday

Ok, today's not Wednesday¹.  But this is a blog that is theoretically² dedicated to projects that suck in the first place and then I never finish.  So, it seems appropriate that my first of this weekly series is a day late (literally) and a buck short (not literally... unless my Venn Diagrams get beaten up and are forced to cough up their lunch money).

I love Venn Diagrams.  I often use them when they are not the best way to convey information because they're so much fun.  Sometimes I describe them using my words because there are no surfaces around to write on.

In an effort to raise awareness about how flexible Venn Diagrams are, every week I will use the same Venn Diagram set-up to depict a minimum of three different sets of information.  I promise that this information will never make you smarter, and in some cases may actually lower your IQ (if you're having one of those terrible high IQ days).

Quickly!  To the Venn Diagrams!

Have you wondered what Venn Diagrams are for paragraphs and paragraphs?  Wonder no more!

I doodled this one during my staff meeting on Monday.  It was getting dangerously close to lunch.

 If ninjas and pirates were actually that close, the geek's ultimate wet dream of a fight would be happening.  I have strong opinions about the victor of this fight.

¹Or, as they will be called from now on around here, Vennsday.
²In practice, it seems much more dedicated to my weekly haiku.^3
3That's a haiku.

My Crappy Sayings

I feel a great emptiness inside.  It's 90% hunger because it's almost lunch time, 4% from where a soul would be if I weren't gay, but a full 6% is empty¹ because I don't have a snappy ending to "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage.... "  Why am I thinking about this?  Because I was Peter Pan for Halloween, and as we all know, every time you say you don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies.

I'm pretty sure that anyone² who doesn't believe in gay marriage wouldn't have a huge problem with "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage, a gay (or gay marriage) dies."  But what about these?

Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage...

• ...a God-fearing, evangelical couple in Alabama gets divorced³.
• ...Dick Cheney has a heart attack.
• ...an embryo's stem cells are harvested, bringing us that much closer to curing various diseases... and killing a baby⁴.
• ...Herman Cain sexually harasses an employee while denying sexually harassing an employee, right in front of someone from Politico.
• ...a child learns about evolution, then falls asleep during the intelligent design lesson.
• ...Obama's approval rating goes up by a point.
• ...a minority and/or illegal immigrant gets that migrant worker job that you were all jazzed about applying for.
• ...a book with four and five-syllable words gets published.
• ...science happens.
• ...two teenagers have unprotected sex on top of their abstinence only homework while wearing their promise rings and then are on "16 and Pregnant."
• ...Sarah Palin gets asked what publications she reads, which is totally a trick question from the elite liberal media, those bastards.   She protects us from Russia, doncha know.
• ...a Kardashian gets divorced³.
• ...Chuck Norris gets punched by a ninja.

Uh, I am running out of things that showcase my prejudice against the south, GOP candidates, bigots, people who can't read good (and don't want to do other things good, too), and reality TV stars.

Any other suggestions?  Any favorites?  Any haters⁵?


¹Numbers not your thing?  I made a pie chart⁶.

²Wow!  Over-generalization!  That whole sentence is totally offensive!
³This is actually true.
⁴If you're in Mississippi.
⁵I think my blog needs some haters.  Then I'll really feel like I've made it.
⁶I am really into pie charts today, probably because this morning I saw a quiche that looks incredible, and quiche is like the meal version of pie.