Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Haiku Friday - Gay Marriage

At Least He's A Boy! ...'Cause Gay Dog Marriage Is Just Wrong
Legal gay marriage
Makes me wonder: how long 'til
I can wed my dog?

Not Even Your Sweater Vests Can Ruin This Week For Me
What's that, Santorum?
I couldn't hear your hatred
Over all the gay

How I Met Your Father (And Why We Have Separate Bedrooms)
Is it gay marriage
If I decide to marry
Neil Patrick Harris?

They Haven't Had This Much Business Since Hillary Was Campaigning
Makers of pant-suits
Are celebrating the news
And watching Ellen

I Now Pronounce You Mitt And Husbands
Twenty debates are
Equivalent to marriage
In many cultures

Haiku Friday - We'll Miss You, Rick Perry

It Seems Like A Bad Idea To Piss Off Gay Soldiers, Right?
Remember that time
You dressed like a lesbian
For your gay bashing?

Although It Is True That If You're 21 on November 12th, You Can Vote
Before your next run
Brush up on the voting age
And election date

Sarah Palin's Wolves and Helicopters Thing Was Much More Impressive
Hunting coyotes
With a laser-sighted gun -
Are you a bad shot?

Commerce, Education, and Energy
Haikus go five and
Seven syllables, and then...
What's the last? Uh... Oops

That Only Works If You're Governor Of Texas AND Have A Powerful Father
It's not that I think
That you're stupid, it's just that...
Oh, fine, yes I do

My Crappy Magical Venn Unicorn

I like to imagine that at some point someone has asked about my Venn Diagrams: where does she come up with this crap?!?!  Well, the Magical Venn Unicorn is a real thing.  I didn't make it up yesterday in a fit of delirium.

It lives under my desk, feasting on the scraps of my lunches and anything else it can scavenge in my office.

Yesterday, I managed to draw up a quick picture of the Magical Venn Unicorn in action.  It spews out random words and circles, and then those eventually coalesce on my screen.  It also spews out gay rainbow hearts¹.

You are probably wondering about this unicorn.  Here are the answers to my assumed FAQ's:

Q:  Isn't it cruel to keep such a beautiful creature under your desk?

A:  It stays because of its own free will².

Q:  Why are its proportions so weird?
A:  First of all, that's rude.  Secondly, the well-proportioned unicorns don't get stuck with the crap powers like Venn Diagramming.

Q:  Aren't you afraid Voldemort is going to come drink its blood?
A:  No.  Voldemort is a fictional character.

Q:  Have you considered using its power for evil?
A:  Yesterday I had a Venn Diagram teaching you how to swear.  So, obviously yes.

Q:  Can I give one to my favorite child/niece/nephew/grandchild/whatevs?
A:  Yes you can!  Just hit print, then BAM you have a great paper toy!  I will not be held responsible for the gayifying effect it might have or for any paper cuts.

Q:  Where can I find more super awesome unicorns?
A:  Right here: http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/

¹Because it's a unicorn.
²And because of the fence I've put up.

Vennsday - Timely and Confusing

I know, I know... it's confusing that it is both Wednesday and Vennsday.  It was an accident born of sleep deprivation and the resulting attraction to brightly colored words.  Next week, I'm sure Vennsday will be on an unpredictable day once again.

Shall we?

Have you ever been a hipster in a bar and realized you're sitting next to a guy who just got off the factory line?  Have you thought "This is unironically awkward, what will we talk about?"  Don't fear!  Look in his hand and in your hand and realize that you are both drinking the same terrible beer!  Make a new friend!  (Hipsters, I do not recommend trying this with Don Draper or James Bond because they will scoff and then refuse to tell you where they got their dapper outfits.  Burn.)

Hats are a good warning sign that someone is a hipster.  Hipsters love hats, especially hats that were cool 40 years ago.  Look closely, though, because you may think you're approaching a hipster in a golf cap when BAM you're hit by hair gel and gold chains and you realize that you've just been douched.

NOTE: Lesbians not featured.  They love ALL hats.  Also, I have a theory that all hipsters are just trying to be lesbians.  We've been wearing flannel and chucks for years, people.

Know your gays!  There's a whole world of non-femme lesbians out there, and, trust me, they will be vaguely offended if you label them wrong¹.  Look for the signs:  dressing like a gay man?  Probably a boi.  Dressing down a subordinate on their iPhone (which is normally in a hip holster)?  Power dyke.  Wearing sweats and administering friendly shoulder punches?  Sporty.  Stereotypical lesbian shown in the media through the 90's?  Butch.  Mullet?  Could be any of 'em.  It's a problem that plagues our people; I wish I knew why.

Well, I hope you've learned something.  I certainly have.  I've learned that I should limit the number of times my circles overlap because I'm getting dizzy just looking at these things.

¹Even though 99% of them will say they don't believe in labels

My Crappy Sayings

I feel a great emptiness inside.  It's 90% hunger because it's almost lunch time, 4% from where a soul would be if I weren't gay, but a full 6% is empty¹ because I don't have a snappy ending to "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage.... "  Why am I thinking about this?  Because I was Peter Pan for Halloween, and as we all know, every time you say you don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies.

I'm pretty sure that anyone² who doesn't believe in gay marriage wouldn't have a huge problem with "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage, a gay (or gay marriage) dies."  But what about these?

Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage...

• ...a God-fearing, evangelical couple in Alabama gets divorced³.
• ...Dick Cheney has a heart attack.
• ...an embryo's stem cells are harvested, bringing us that much closer to curing various diseases... and killing a baby⁴.
• ...Herman Cain sexually harasses an employee while denying sexually harassing an employee, right in front of someone from Politico.
• ...a child learns about evolution, then falls asleep during the intelligent design lesson.
• ...Obama's approval rating goes up by a point.
• ...a minority and/or illegal immigrant gets that migrant worker job that you were all jazzed about applying for.
• ...a book with four and five-syllable words gets published.
• ...science happens.
• ...two teenagers have unprotected sex on top of their abstinence only homework while wearing their promise rings and then are on "16 and Pregnant."
• ...Sarah Palin gets asked what publications she reads, which is totally a trick question from the elite liberal media, those bastards.   She protects us from Russia, doncha know.
• ...a Kardashian gets divorced³.
• ...Chuck Norris gets punched by a ninja.

Uh, I am running out of things that showcase my prejudice against the south, GOP candidates, bigots, people who can't read good (and don't want to do other things good, too), and reality TV stars.

Any other suggestions?  Any favorites?  Any haters⁵?


¹Numbers not your thing?  I made a pie chart⁶.

²Wow!  Over-generalization!  That whole sentence is totally offensive!
³This is actually true.
⁴If you're in Mississippi.
⁵I think my blog needs some haters.  Then I'll really feel like I've made it.
⁶I am really into pie charts today, probably because this morning I saw a quiche that looks incredible, and quiche is like the meal version of pie.