Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Haiku Friday - Engineers

Engineers Can Be Buzzkills At College Parties
The manual says
Those tables are not rated
For drunken dancing

...But They Don't Hug Either
Some of us chose math
Over proper social skills
Numbers never mock

Sure, It's Shiny And Silver Now, But It Doesn't Buzz Anymore, Does it?
Makers of duct tape
Love when engineers say this:
I could improve that

We May Be Bad At Fighting, But We Also Control Whether Or Not You Have Running Water
Don't come between nerds
And their calculators, 'cause
You'll risk weak punches

It's Why I Avoid Mirrors
Engineers are an
Easily startled people,
Confused by women

Haiku Friday - Sunshine in March

This Is Your Oregon Brain On Spring Sunshine
What is that bright thing?
Sun?  Sun??  Sun!  SunSunSunSun
Oh, now it's raining

All I Need Is 15 Minutes Of Hops And Vitamin D
I know that it's cold
But I'll take my beer outside
The cloud cover broke

It Helps If You Pretend All The Water On Your Skin Is Sweat
In the darkest days
I leave my jacket home, and
Count light rain as sun

HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW I'M GAY?!?!??!?
I'm in a panic
What if it tops seventy?
My plaid shorts aren't clean!

When It Suns, It Pours
None of us trust it
Sure, it's pretty and warm, but
We've been drenched before

Vennsday - God Loves You And Your Need For Booze

Well, it seems that the Venn Diagram Dinocorn has finally started working again.  That lazy bastard.  And!  With its new enhanced dinosaur powers, it is using more color!

These are exciting times, people.

Let's get to it.

This is also a nice diagram of my entire diet.  Anyways, you could show yourself to be a good, solid guy from Illinois by literally eating meat 'n potatoes.  That sounds pretty tasty, if slightly bland.  Or, you could be a 14-year-old who has decided that meat is evil and is eating only cheese sandwiches.  Without the meat is evil part, that sounds like Thursday to me¹.  But, put all those magical yet common ingredients together, and you have what some² would call nirvana: the cheeseburger.  I just had one two hours ago, and you know what?  I want more.  Thanks for loving me, God!³

Best quote of the week:  "More debates, more vetting of candidates because we know the mistake made in our country four years ago was having a candidate that was not vetted." - Sarah Palin.  Ah, she consistently reminds me why I listen to political podcasts.  It is less funny to think about any kind of could-have-been face off between her and Ahmadinejad.  They would have both agreed that there were no gay people in their jurisdictions, been creepily folksy, and then hunted each other with helicopters.  Final thought: Tea Parties started becoming way less fun when they decided that maybe Newt Gingrich should be president.

I'm bringing it all together here, for a nice clean wrap-up.  It looks like it's about food and drink and then SURPRISE it's about politics.  That, kids, is how you make an old-fashioned, or as we call them at my house, Anna's maybe-three-more-of-these-will-make-thinly-veiled-racism-funny⁴ juice.

¹Wednesday obviously being the day that I spend working on my blog instead of grocery shopping.
²Ok, just me.

³I'm not saying that God doesn't love Jewish people, I'm just saying that he wants them to be miserable and hungry.

⁴They didn't.

I (Used To) Live Here Monday - Meijer

I am not going to do Meijer justice.  I am going to leave you saying "I don't get it, isn't it just like some weird Michigan version of Walmart or Fred Meyer?"  And for that, I am sorry.  Maybe the best thing to do is to find someone from Michigan who has moved away, and ask them about Meijer.  There is a 93% chance they'll tear up a little bit.

If God dies, he's going to end up at Meijer and wonder why heaven sucks so much.

At Meijer, they sell everything, and they do it cheaply.  Need clothes?  Go to Meijer.  Need furniture?  Go to Meijer.  Need a fountain for your garden?  Go to Meijer.  Need any kind of food or drink?  Go to Meijer.  Need a black-market baby?  Go to the inky shadows behind Meijer¹.

I like lists.  Here's a breakdown of Meijer vs. Walmart, in fancy table form.

Important Issue	Meijer	Wal*mart
Literacy	Silent "j" - badass.  Silent letters are like the ninjas of spelling.	Silent *.  * isn't even a letter, so this all results in confusion and decreased American literacy.
Miracles	I have not seen it happen myself, but I'm pretty sure Meijer is where Jesus learned to turn water into wine.	Every time someone buys a three sizes too-small tube-top, a guardian angel dies.
Greeters	Happy and kind.  Possibly on some kind of upper.	Kidnapped from nursing homes.
Ad campaign	A million reasons, a single store (this jingle gets stuck in my head every time I go home).	A smiley face that makes everyone want to punch smiley faces in the... uh... face.
Rainbows	In the middle of every Meijer, there is a field full of unicorns and rainbows. And, right next to it, there is a cheaper Meijer Brand field full of 5-color rainbows and a horse with a birthday hat on the front of its forehead.	Wal*mart hates gay people.
Mechanical Pony Rides	One cent.  Adults not prohibited (officially).	Null set (which means the sobbing of tiny, innocent children.  And me.)

In short, Meijer is where happiness and love come from.  It's why Michiganders are so friendly.

If you ever visit Michigan, go to Meijer.  Just don't get the Meijer brand mac 'n cheese... it tastes like burning tires and genocide.

¹On that note, weird things happen in the Meijer parking lot after 11 pm.  Park close and stay in the light.

Haiku Friday - More New York

That's A Lot Of Trips To The Peegarten
German biergarten
Is actually code for
Two liters of beer

Lessons Learned While Watching A Guy Get Into A Fight With His Reflection
A man on the train
Taught me that New York City
Has meth problems too

Anything Goes In Chinatown
Rules for restaurants:
No T.V.s and no carpets
(Except Chinatown)

I Meant To Go To Bed At Midnight
In New York City
You can stay up until three
Accidentally

"You Live Here?!  Why?!"
Staying in Bushwick
Is cheap and convenient but
Earns taunts from cabbies

Vennsday - Things learned and discussed in New York City

I am not going to lie, I am sitting n a cafe, drinking a glass of wine.  I threw these together on a napkin, then took slightly out of focus pictures of them.  They might not post right.

I'm bringing crappy back.