Vennsday - FEED ME

I may have just figured out that creating my venns at the end of the work¹ day is a terrible idea because the only thing I can think about is food.  Right now, I'm barely even thinking about this blog post.  What I'm thinking about is how I'm doing it at the request of my big sister for her birthday, and if it's acceptable to buy myself some cake² so I can feel like I'm celebrating with her.

Anyways, onto the main event:

I love pasta.  No, no, you don't understand.  LOVE it.  I used to make whole boxes of it in college and then get sad when my roommate wanted me to share.  But, I don't order it in restaurants much because pasta is meant to be eaten pantsless.  Pants just hold you in, and limit you to a serving!  Pants stop you from passing out immediately after a bowl of delicious, delicious spaghetti drenched in artichoke marinara, topped with gruyere.  No one wants that.

Normally I like burritos.  I like them for breakfast, I like them for lunch, and I like them for dinner.  I like half-eaten burritos from the fridge as a midnight snack.  Weirdly, though, you give me two sips of beer, and all I can think about is tacos.  Maybe burritos become too intimidating, and tacos are like their non-threatening little sibling.  Maybe I've been totally brainwashed by the awesome 3 tacos and a beer for 5 bucks deal at my local taco Tuesday.  All I know is that going to the taco truck that sits outside my favorite dance spot at the end of the night feels like the arrival of the Messiah to me.

Sometimes I make dinner, and my ladyfriend³ is all like "Wow, this is so good, what did you put in it?" and the answer is always "Butter."  I can feel my doctor's disapproval and my arteries clogging as I type this, but whatever that thing you're eating is - it would be better with butter.  Onions?  Obviously.  Pasta?  Duh.  Burgers?  Food & Wine swears by it.  Fish?  Why bother without it.  Butter.  Just add it.

¹ - I misspelled this as "wok" at first, which seems very appropriate.
² - Oh, or maybe spinach pie!  Or some sage and brown butter risotto!  SOMEONE FEED ME
³ - Fiancee!

Vennsday - The Things We Yell

Recently, I've been intaking a lot of internet, so I feel like I should output some internet as well.  This means that you guys get to look at some Venn Diagrams!  Right here!

Imagine that you're in a car with three other full-grown adults, and you drive by a pack of llamas.  Somebody is definitely going to yell "Llamas!!"  Or maybe you're at work, just minding your own business, doing some spreadsheeting, and all of a sudden your boss starts yelling "Raccoon!  Raccoon!"  You don't think this is weird, in fact, you're a little jealous that you didn't get to yell what type of animal it was at that animal.  We don't do this with other things; you're not sitting at your desk, minding your own business, yelling "Spreadsheet!  Spreadsheet!  Coffee!  Food crumbs that I should probably clean out of my keyboard!"  I assume we do this because as children we were rewarded with love and affection for correctly naming animals by our parents, and we still feel a little surge of affirmation when we do it now... and also, you know, llamas!!¹

Yelling is not condoned in Eugene.  If you yell, you're probably a stooge for the patriarchy and you're definitely oppressing somebody's vagina, so maybe you could just take a deep breath, remember this is a safe space, and start using some "I feel" statements in a calm, low voice.  Unless this is about the University of Oregon ducks.  In which case, why aren't you yelling??  Don't you even CARE about how awesome they are???!!??!  You could walk up to a group of strangers on the street, yell in their faces "GO DUCKS," and they would be super psyched about it, and zero vaginas would be oppressed.   

When I get excited, I talk louder and louder until I'm full-on yelling.  It's almost gotten me kicked out of town a few times.  And it's not about cool stuff, it's about storm drainage or maybe the sweet orange color of my calculator².  I would pity my lady friend for having to deal with this, but she does it, too.  I'm pretty sure we're known in local restaurants as the couple who yells about our dinner and the incredible job the CHEF HAS DONE WITH THE SEASONING.

¹The first thing I do when I get home every day is find my two cats and yell "CATS" at them.  Maybe I do this for the affirmation, or maybe I do it because I like reinforcing their identities for them, or maybe I just do it because I think it's inexplicably hilarious.
²Obviously these things are actually super cool.  I just didn't want to make you feel jealous about my incredible swale knowledge or that one time I chose an orange calculator instead of a black one.

Vennsday - Emoticons

I'm just going to eaaaase right back into blogging, here, with a simple Vennsday.  Do you remember when punctuation was just punctuation?  When the most you could do to show emotion with it was a ... or a ?!?!?!  You do???  Wow, you're old.

This week's Venn diagrams will help you bridge that generational gap, and help you get over that frantic search for the opening parenthesis when you see this : ).  Or, maybe, it will teach you about the old days, back when dinosaurs cared about the art and style of a well-constructed sentence.

Back to basics.  This is like the neanderthal of emoticons (emotithal). 

Semicolons are my favorite form of punctuation, but I can't actually wink in real life, so every time I use one of these ;), I feel like a fraud.

I don't actually use the asterisk as part of an emoticon, but I do use it to denote degrees, because how the hell do you make a degree sign on the computer*??

*File this under things I should know, but don't, along with how to change my oil and whether one of them is "Kriss" and one of them is "Kross"

Vennsday (Thursday) - GOP Irony

I spend a good portion of my day reading the political section of the New York Times and listening to NPR, which means I spend a good portion of my day saying "Really?  Really?!?!" inside my head.  The outright lies  don't get to me, and the thinly veiled racism is an expected part of the campaign season.

What makes me say "Really??" is this total lack of a sense of irony.  I am hoping that the following will both help the GOP understand irony, and maybe help them understand Venn Diagrams, too.

I keep hoping someone there will blame it on climate change, for the double Irony Whammy.

To avoid irony in the next convention, I recommend that they all drive non-union cars to Dick Cheney's back yard using privately made gravel roads.  When they arrive, they can shower Bonnaroo style with baby wipes and a gallon of water, so as to avoid using any government utilities.

To be fair, he probably couldn't afford to keep a residence in Massachusetts.  I mean, there are only so many mortgages one man can carry.  Also, does anyone else get a great image of Mitt as a slacker pot-head, living in his son's basement, playing Mario Kart for 8 hours a day?  No, just me?  Oh, carry on then.

Vennsday - PSA's

I've learned some important things in my absence.  Things like how it's way harder to blog when you are really busy at work, and other things like ow, it really hurts when I bite my tongue when I'm trying to prove a point about how many fries I can fit in my mouth at once (at least 14, but then I ran out of fries).

Now I want to pass some lessons on to you.  These are important things, so pay attention.

Kids, don't do drugs.  If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things.  Remember Mean Girls?  Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!"  Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious?  And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL???  Oh, sorry, I got off track there.  The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video.  And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober.  (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)

I can tell you think you're safe.  You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets."  You're wrong.  This accent is contagious.  Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer.  The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech.  (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)

Texting and driving is against the law.  But what about texting and walking, that's safe right?  You're just moseying down the sidewalk, typing in unintelligible abbreviations, minding your own busi OH MY GOD A BEAR.  Yeah.  It really happened.  It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there.  Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.

Vennsday - HAPPY PI DAY, WORLD!

Vennsday is back!  And just in time for my favorite non-holiday.

Let's take a look at the relationship between pi and pie, and while we do that, let's all buy a pie and figure out its area, circumference, and volume while we eat it.¹

It is not every day that math and sweets are brought together.  I mean, I suppose you could make one, like "Every time I MATH, I get an m&m."  ...that's a great idea, actually.  Someone bring me some candy!

Guys, the hypothetical conversation that pi and pie have is actually really awkward because they don't have much in common.  Pie: "So, circles, right?"  Pi: "....yup."  And then pie goes back to being delicious and pi goes back to having its digits memorized by math geeks as some kind of useless badge of honor.  And the sexual tension between them goes un-addressed.

It's the irrationality that makes it delicious.

¹If you wait long enough, the answer to all three will be zero and also "uhhhhh my stomach"
²I learned how to do mouseover text on images.  Enjoy!

Ash Vennsday

First of all, props to my friend Miller who came up with the name and inspiration for this Vennsday.  Yes, that's a real person, not a bottle of beer that I call my friend, although I do that, too.

Anyways, Lent is a time of restraint and penance and prayer.  It is like a cleanse for your soul, in which you live on only lemon soul juice and cayenne soul pepper, and you feel terrible until the hallucinations come on, and then you feel great because you think you just defeated the devil.

It's like inside-out Christmas.

It is, in short, the antithesis of me.

Fun things about Lent: saying Maundy Thursday and being a kid and having sword fights with the cross-shaped palms on Palm Sunday.

Not-fun things about Lent: everything else.

Which is why Lent and I are as separate as the green circle in the Venn Diagram below¹:

Know what I like?  Things that I like.  So I'm gonna keep doing 'em.

Maybe I've been a little too hard on the Church thus far.  I mean, if it weren't for Lent, there would be no Mardi Gras².  And if there were no Mardi Gras, my only excuse for drinking on Tuesday would be "why not?"

 I don't want fish on Fridays.  I want a beer and a burger.  Or maybe like a beer and a burger, but instead of buns, there will be two filets and some pork belly, and then that will be followed up by a bourbon.  Fish is for Sunday brunch when I want something light.  Or maybe for Saturday happy hour at the sushi restaurant.

¹I think it's clear to everyone that today isn't my best day for similes.
²There would also be no excuse to say snarky things like "I would respond, but I gave up reading bad grammar for Lent" on youtube comments.^3
3I have never actually commented on youtube anything in my life because that whole comment realm makes me believe that it's the end times.

Vennsday - Awkward

You know those people who are good with everyone?  They can keep up an interesting conversation in any situation, and then never seem to trip or stutter or offend anyone?  I am the opposite.

In honor of me, let's examine awkwardness:

 I can't figure out hugs.  I mean, I understand how they work, and I successfully give them to people I know really well, but I am not someone who just... hugs.  I should, because what happens instead is I go in for the handshake, and then all of a sudden that hand is awkwardly trapped between us, and then I accidentally grope the hugger.  It ends badly.  On second thought, maybe I should just avoid human contact.

 

Nothing kills a good joke like someone being offended.  On the other hand, I usually manage to say offend someone within about five minutes of meeting them.  How was I supposed to know that your grandmother was killed by walking into a bar?!?!

Well, the good news is... it won't be awkward for long.

Vennsday - Come Together

It's hard to see, sometimes, what liberals and conservatives have in common.  Obviously, we all like the Colbert Report¹ and tacos, but those things only get us so far².

Do we have any other things in common?  Let's examine some issues.

Nerds can be liberals or conservatives: nerdism doesn't discriminate.  They all agree that cotton is comfortable and that school is pretty awesome, but they don't agree on the best source of news.  Let's just stick to what we agree on: being stuffed in a locker gets to be uncomfortable after a while.

Everyone agrees that art goes on walls or sometimes in gardens, but not everyone agrees that Picasso is art (*I seriously had a guy in college art history class argue about whether or not Picasso was art because he didn't recognize the figure as a person).  Let's just all go look at a nice Monet, and make little paint-smushing noises as we think about his method³.

Teenage sex is there, in the middle of our country, just like this yellow Venn circle in the middle of the diagram, where no one likes to talk about it.  Conservatives get around this by basically ignoring it and handing out abstinence only textbooks that I can only assume have a cover, a back cover, and a single sheet that says "NO" in giant letters between the two covers.  Liberals overcompensate by talking about all the feelings involved and all the birth control options and encouraging their children to read some interesting books about teenage sex before they have "the talk" so that it can be an informed discussion and emailing Dan Savage when it turns their kid is gay so that they can start all over again but have the books about teenage gay sex.  Seriously, though, kids: use a condom.⁴

¹The great thing about the Report is that everyone thinks they're in on a big secret that the other side doesn't get.
²Mostly these two things get us to our couch for fourth meal.
³Is that just me?  I like to add sound effects to my art experiences....
⁴You should all know that while I was writing that paragraph, I was still making paint smushing sounds in my head and thinking about Monet.

Vennsday - Tiny Overlaps

If you're going to get all accurate about it, the amount of overlap that a Venn Diagram has visually is unrelated to the actual set size.  I don't care.  I like it when the overlap size is "to scale."

With that in mind, here are some things that have only one thing in common:

Obviously they're going to make a movie about my life.  I think that's just something we all should accept.  It will probably be some kind of indie super hero movie, in which I'll be nerdy but hot (and buff), and I'll do things like hold up a falling bridge with my great strength and MATH and solve climate change.  There will be nary a spreadsheet or overworked city planner in sight.  But, somewhere in the MATH montage, there will be a brief moment of comic relief when I write "BOOBS" on my calculator.¹

There's nothing worse than accidentally making eye contact with the Drunk Guy at a bar in the middle of the afternoon, and then being forced to have a conversation with him.  I can't find it in myself to say "I'm just here for a sandwich, bro, please leave me alone."  Instead, I get to hear about all the things he likes: bus passes, finally passing a class he failed thirty years ago, his salad, no seriously he salad is amazing would I like to try it, and Asian girls because they're good at math.  Oh, Drunk Guy, racist comments are a terrible way to make friends.  We could have just talked about beer!

Oh, wait, he floated that as a serious campaign promise?  Uh, never mind.

¹Instead of saying "turn that frown upside down," everyone should say "turn that 58008 upside down" because then you get boobs AND a smile.

Vennsday - God Loves You And Your Need For Booze

Well, it seems that the Venn Diagram Dinocorn has finally started working again.  That lazy bastard.  And!  With its new enhanced dinosaur powers, it is using more color!

These are exciting times, people.

Let's get to it.

This is also a nice diagram of my entire diet.  Anyways, you could show yourself to be a good, solid guy from Illinois by literally eating meat 'n potatoes.  That sounds pretty tasty, if slightly bland.  Or, you could be a 14-year-old who has decided that meat is evil and is eating only cheese sandwiches.  Without the meat is evil part, that sounds like Thursday to me¹.  But, put all those magical yet common ingredients together, and you have what some² would call nirvana: the cheeseburger.  I just had one two hours ago, and you know what?  I want more.  Thanks for loving me, God!³

Best quote of the week:  "More debates, more vetting of candidates because we know the mistake made in our country four years ago was having a candidate that was not vetted." - Sarah Palin.  Ah, she consistently reminds me why I listen to political podcasts.  It is less funny to think about any kind of could-have-been face off between her and Ahmadinejad.  They would have both agreed that there were no gay people in their jurisdictions, been creepily folksy, and then hunted each other with helicopters.  Final thought: Tea Parties started becoming way less fun when they decided that maybe Newt Gingrich should be president.

I'm bringing it all together here, for a nice clean wrap-up.  It looks like it's about food and drink and then SURPRISE it's about politics.  That, kids, is how you make an old-fashioned, or as we call them at my house, Anna's maybe-three-more-of-these-will-make-thinly-veiled-racism-funny⁴ juice.

¹Wednesday obviously being the day that I spend working on my blog instead of grocery shopping.
²Ok, just me.

³I'm not saying that God doesn't love Jewish people, I'm just saying that he wants them to be miserable and hungry.

⁴They didn't.

Vennsday Thursday - Circles! Ovals! More Circles!

For two weeks, I had tiny little sketches of Venn Diagrams sitting on my desk, and I just didn't put them into a legible form.  Until now.

We'll learn about costumes, the definition of sadness (hint: it's the opposite of bacon), and how nature is awesome.  Oh, you'll learn about some of my ridiculous fears, too.  If only for that, read on!

I confess, I have never been to a midnight premiere of anything.  That sentence brings sadness to my heart.  On the other hand, I'm probably never going to dress up to see a movie (unless it's in The Bloggess Style).  Geeky question:  Who wins in Jedi vs. Wizards?  Grab a case of beer, and talk about that with your buddies.

This Venn Diagram is like the circles of hell, or at the very least circles of sadness.  Know what I love?  Cheese.  Know what else I love?  Carbs, all of them.  Even if I couldn't have carbs or cheese, I would still be happy because at least I could eat bacon.  On the other side of the spectrum, there's my mom, who, I can only assume, cries herself to sleep every night with low-sodium tears.  She told me she was going on a low-carb vegan diet, and I think I stared at her for three minutes silently before asking what she can eat.  (Answer: kale and disappointment).

"Swans are all the way in the "badass animals" circle and dinosaurs are only half in - what are you, high?"... is probably what you're saying right now.  I stand by it.  There are probably some non-badass dinosaurs, that like went around being vegan and worked as dinosaur accountants or something.  But swans, dude, swans are insane.  They are territorial and their wings can break your leg.  I'm serious.  Do not mess with those motherfuckers.  Sometimes I try to make super badass mythical creatures up, and today I was like "What if they mixed the scariness that is swans with dinosaurs, that would be INSANE" and then I realized... nature did that already!  Nature is awesome.  I hope it wants to be Facebook friends with me.

Vennsday - Minimal Holiday References

Are you feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday spirit all over the interwebs?  Do you want to just take a break, preferably one full of sarcasm?  Then you're in the right place.

....although there is one Christmas reference.  I just put it in there because I wanted to offend everyone who doesn't acknowledge Christ as the one, true path to salvation and righteousness.  I'm talking to YOU, everyone who reads this blog.

Have you ever wanted to make a convoluted insult or compliment, but you just couldn't find something ridiculous and random enough?  Fortunately for you, I am the queen of awkward randomness.  So, next time you really want to intimidate¹ someone, say "Like the birds in 'Finding Nemo' say, your ass is mine!  Mine!  Mine!"  Obviously, you have to do the "Mine!"'s in that super high tone that they use.

 Someday, you'll probably wake up from a coma and wonder what time of year it is.  I mean, you don't want to make the common coma-patient faux pas of leaving the hospital in unseasonable clothing (shorts in January?!?!  That's wacky!  Get with the times, person who's been dead to the world for many time units!)  Well, I have a helpful hint for you.  We Americans eat our favorite carb with different toppings according to the proximity of certain holidays.  So, if you see that your potatoes are being served with cabbage, you can rest assured that wearing some kind of leprechaun outfit is a good idea².

Know your aliens!  Especially this: the only alien you can trust is one in spandex.  Just ask the GOP presidential candidates.

¹Ok, maybe it won't actually intimidate them.  But it will annoy them!  And make them take you way less seriously.
²To be fair, wearing a leprechaun outfit is ALWAYS a good idea.

Vennsday - Just Phoning It In

There were several times today while I was Venning when I thought to myself, "What am I, some kind of magical Venn unicorn who can just shoot Venn Diagrams, rainbows, and happiness out of my horn?"  Dear readers, those were some dark times.  I have come out of those dark times into this meadow of circles and words to realize that yes, yes I am a magical Venn unicorn.

There's no theme.  There's barely even logic.  Enjoy!

Are you thinking about making a movie or a commercial?  Please consult this diagram first.  Talking babies are creepy (I'm talking to you, eTrade).  I don't want to see any more of them.  Baby animals, on the other hand, are the greatest thing ever.  I would like it if there were more streaming puppies (remember this?  OH MY GOD, I can't believe I missed the second litter last April).

 I struggled with this.  I had a really, really hard time coming up with someone from the GOP who was not crazy but still a philanderer.  If you don't know who John Ensign is, please leave it that way.  And, sadly, Newt passes for articulate in the field of candidates.  Also, according to me, Mitt wins.

If you hang around me long enough, you'll hear me swear in weird ways.  I do it when I'm excited and when I'm angry and when I'm sad.  If you want to swear like me (and I'm sure you do), follow the above diagram.  For example, when I see something awesome, I say "Holy crapmonkeys, there's something awesome!" and when I realize I have just lost 3 hours worth of work because I didn't save, I say "Awww, fuckpants, I can't believe autosave has failed me."  I rarely get angry, but if I did, I would probably tell someone to go screw some poo, you stupid pooscrewer.

Vennsday - Timely and Confusing

I know, I know... it's confusing that it is both Wednesday and Vennsday.  It was an accident born of sleep deprivation and the resulting attraction to brightly colored words.  Next week, I'm sure Vennsday will be on an unpredictable day once again.

Shall we?

Have you ever been a hipster in a bar and realized you're sitting next to a guy who just got off the factory line?  Have you thought "This is unironically awkward, what will we talk about?"  Don't fear!  Look in his hand and in your hand and realize that you are both drinking the same terrible beer!  Make a new friend!  (Hipsters, I do not recommend trying this with Don Draper or James Bond because they will scoff and then refuse to tell you where they got their dapper outfits.  Burn.)

Hats are a good warning sign that someone is a hipster.  Hipsters love hats, especially hats that were cool 40 years ago.  Look closely, though, because you may think you're approaching a hipster in a golf cap when BAM you're hit by hair gel and gold chains and you realize that you've just been douched.

NOTE: Lesbians not featured.  They love ALL hats.  Also, I have a theory that all hipsters are just trying to be lesbians.  We've been wearing flannel and chucks for years, people.

Know your gays!  There's a whole world of non-femme lesbians out there, and, trust me, they will be vaguely offended if you label them wrong¹.  Look for the signs:  dressing like a gay man?  Probably a boi.  Dressing down a subordinate on their iPhone (which is normally in a hip holster)?  Power dyke.  Wearing sweats and administering friendly shoulder punches?  Sporty.  Stereotypical lesbian shown in the media through the 90's?  Butch.  Mullet?  Could be any of 'em.  It's a problem that plagues our people; I wish I knew why.

Well, I hope you've learned something.  I certainly have.  I've learned that I should limit the number of times my circles overlap because I'm getting dizzy just looking at these things.

¹Even though 99% of them will say they don't believe in labels

Vennsday is the new Thursday

Last week, much time with my family was spent discussing how we would all be classified.  Can nerds be cool?  What separates a "cool" nerd from Sheldon on "Big Bang Theory"?  What do bros and nerds have in common?

These questions are all answered.  This time in ovals!

Bros and nerds don't agree on much... but they can both get behind a good pair of khakis and a polo shirt.  My coworker calls it the "engineer's uniform."  I call it "dress code at the prep school I attended."  We are finding common ground here, people.

Similarly, if you're a hipster, it's not cool to act like you like knowledge.  That's not ironic at all, dude.  Not like that mullet and molester 'stache.  An exception can be made if you're a student... then rock the nerdiness!  Just don't act like you care.

Engineers?  Not very cool.  They don't make eye contact and constantly correct you.  Accuracy, not human connections, is what's important.  They will talk at you and wonder why you look lost after thirty minutes on the molecular details of stormwater treatment.  Smart people, though?  Super cool.  Especially when they are self-proclaimed nerds who can still hold a conversation.  Those people are the best.  Once I finish this exercise in visual representations of elementary set theory, maybe I'll go be cool.

Wondering why you don't have any friends, my engineering peers?  It's because you're awkward.  That would be fine, except that you don't realize you're awkward.  You have conquered handshakes and taught your mouth to smile, but you're standing too close with your horrible coffee breath, and I'm pretty sure you just called that girl fat and stupid.  It is horribly uncomfortable to be around you.  Learn to recognize the signs of other people's discomfort and make a joke about yourself, and then you can join the ranks of stand-up comedians.  Once you do that, it will be your job to call that girl fat and stupid.  Uh, you still might have no friends, though.  Just fans.

It looks as though I am going for the world record in longest caption.  Wish me luck with that!  Also, where do YOU fit on the circles?  If you don't know, the answer is awkward and not self aware.  Just FYI.

Vennsday - Places Edition

It is again Vennsday, which as we all know is, at best, Wednesdayish.

I am posting from my phone because I am traveling.  The Venn diagrams are appropriately rushed and travel themed...  I drew them free hand on the BART on the back of my plane ticket.

They may be illegible.  Maybe they'll be funnier that way.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Venn Diagram Wednesday - Less Meta This Time

It's Vennsday again!  Everyone rejoice!  The circles are back... and this time they're all the same size!

This week, you'll learn important things about Oregon, how to create a New York Times bestseller, and the fact that I totally boned your mom last night.  Yeah, she'll probably deny it, but that's because she thinks you can't handle the truth.

Sick of words?  Me too.  Let's get to the lo-fi diagrams.

Yup, that pretty much covers this state.  FYI, hipsters and hippies agree on only one thing: showers are lame.

We live in a world where Tyra Banks and Snooki have bestsellers and Ayn Rand is regarded as a genius.   The apocalypse called to say, "Wow, I think I'll cancel my 2012 plans for Earth because I don't want to get near that crazy-assed place."

Ha, your mom ruined your family!  Oh, wait... sorry, dude.