Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Haiku Friday - Rules of Moving

Rule 1: Your Most Embarrassing Books Will End Up On Top
Yes, that's Left Behind
Right next to Sex for Dummies
And the Twilight books

Rule 2: Trash Bags Are Your Friends
I will be dumping
Whole desk drawers into trash bags
As the truck arrives

Rule 3: Planning Only Gets You So Far
Now everything's packed
Except cake pans, tampons, and
Pictures of Grandma

Rule 4: You Don't Make Good Decisions After Pulling An All-Nighter To Move (or: Sometimes All Your Quarters End Up Spilling Out In Front Of NYC Traffic)
Filling my beer fridge
With pillows and cups of change
Didn't turn out well

Rule 5: Nostalgia Will Defeat You
Hour four of packing:
Clutching an old, stained t-shirt
Thinking of college

Haiku Friday - Engineers

Engineers Can Be Buzzkills At College Parties
The manual says
Those tables are not rated
For drunken dancing

...But They Don't Hug Either
Some of us chose math
Over proper social skills
Numbers never mock

Sure, It's Shiny And Silver Now, But It Doesn't Buzz Anymore, Does it?
Makers of duct tape
Love when engineers say this:
I could improve that

We May Be Bad At Fighting, But We Also Control Whether Or Not You Have Running Water
Don't come between nerds
And their calculators, 'cause
You'll risk weak punches

It's Why I Avoid Mirrors
Engineers are an
Easily startled people,
Confused by women

Haiku Friday - Sunshine in March

This Is Your Oregon Brain On Spring Sunshine
What is that bright thing?
Sun?  Sun??  Sun!  SunSunSunSun
Oh, now it's raining

All I Need Is 15 Minutes Of Hops And Vitamin D
I know that it's cold
But I'll take my beer outside
The cloud cover broke

It Helps If You Pretend All The Water On Your Skin Is Sweat
In the darkest days
I leave my jacket home, and
Count light rain as sun

HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW I'M GAY?!?!??!?
I'm in a panic
What if it tops seventy?
My plaid shorts aren't clean!

When It Suns, It Pours
None of us trust it
Sure, it's pretty and warm, but
We've been drenched before

Haiku Friday - Mornings

It's A Skill Ryder's Taken Years To Perfect

Radio goes on

Dog jumps hard on my bladder

It's time to wake up

It Was A Bigger, Shinier Target Through My Mostly Closed Eyes

In trying to feed

My dog, I dumped his breakfast

In the water dish

No Matter How Much You Mean It At The Time Because It's 6 am For The Love Of God

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Kills your soul a bit¹

Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne, Your Voices Are Like The Building Blocks for Dreams

I love NPR

It's like forty-five minutes

Of extra sleeping

You Want Me To Bend Over and Fix Them?

I put my slippers
On the wrong feet twice this week.
I wore them that way.

¹Also:

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Doesn't really work

Haiku Friday - Gay Marriage

At Least He's A Boy! ...'Cause Gay Dog Marriage Is Just Wrong
Legal gay marriage
Makes me wonder: how long 'til
I can wed my dog?

Not Even Your Sweater Vests Can Ruin This Week For Me
What's that, Santorum?
I couldn't hear your hatred
Over all the gay

How I Met Your Father (And Why We Have Separate Bedrooms)
Is it gay marriage
If I decide to marry
Neil Patrick Harris?

They Haven't Had This Much Business Since Hillary Was Campaigning
Makers of pant-suits
Are celebrating the news
And watching Ellen

I Now Pronounce You Mitt And Husbands
Twenty debates are
Equivalent to marriage
In many cultures

Haiku Friday - The Zoo

That Sounds More Threatening Than I Meant It To

Mr. Elephant,

I think you could jump this fence

Soon, I will fix that

Nothing Ruins A Cuteness High Quite Like Poo

I took a picture

Right as the tiny penguin

Decided to poop

Oh, Was That Your Baby I Just Made Into A Delicious Curry?

The three mountain goats

Stopped their chewing and faced me

Murder in their eyes

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CUDDLE, SUN BEAR?

I learned that sun bears

Are the smallest Portland has

But their claws still hurt

Plus, You're Way Less Fun To Club

Nothing personal

But you sea lions are just

Fat, less-cute fur seals

Haiku Friday - We'll Miss You, Rick Perry

It Seems Like A Bad Idea To Piss Off Gay Soldiers, Right?
Remember that time
You dressed like a lesbian
For your gay bashing?

Although It Is True That If You're 21 on November 12th, You Can Vote
Before your next run
Brush up on the voting age
And election date

Sarah Palin's Wolves and Helicopters Thing Was Much More Impressive
Hunting coyotes
With a laser-sighted gun -
Are you a bad shot?

Commerce, Education, and Energy
Haikus go five and
Seven syllables, and then...
What's the last? Uh... Oops

That Only Works If You're Governor Of Texas AND Have A Powerful Father
It's not that I think
That you're stupid, it's just that...
Oh, fine, yes I do

Haiku Friday - Hipsters

Or Is That Just Your Sperm Count Dropping

Are your skinny jeans

Squeezing out all of life's joy,

Despondent hipster?

It's Like 10,000 Spoons When All You Have Is A Bunch Of Ice Cream and 9,999 Friends

How much irony

Before the cycle completes

At sincerity

Please Repeat Yourself, But This Time Without The Assault On My Eyes

I couldn't hear you

Over your neon Ray-Bans

And sparkly leggings

Today's Special Is Condescension-Braised Short Ribs

Hipsters make great food

It's bitterly seasoned with

Disdainful service

Or Maybe You Fell Into A Vat Of Electric Razors And Pomade?

Tell me that mustache

Is an elaborate joke

That I just don't get

Haiku Friday - My Childhood

Jesus on a dinosaur, I have been slacking on my blog.  No Vennsday, and here it is, after 5 on the east coast on a Friday, and I have not posted an haiku yet.  I haven't even had a footnote in weeks.  Life has been insanity since landing back here on the west coast... and by that, obviously, I mean that work has been insanity, and then I have fallen asleep by 8:00 every night.

But!  Right now!  I am turning my life around, starting with some calming and peaceful haiku about my childhood.


Really, Those Are The First Two Questions Almost Always
I went to prep school
No, it was not all women
Yes, it was Hogwarts

But Everyone Pretended I Didn't Know Until Last Year
Youngest child perils:
I knew Santa was a myth
Before I was five

My Sisters Still Think It's Unfair (But You Killed Santa!)
Youngest child awesomes:
Washing way fewer dishes
Watching more TV

The Syllabus Called It "Religion"
Catholic Schooling
Classes in math, reading, and
Homophobia

That First Line Should Probably Be Commemorated On A Sampler Or Something
Mom and Dad were right
I really wanted a dog
Just not to walk it

Haiku Friday - More New York

That's A Lot Of Trips To The Peegarten
German biergarten
Is actually code for
Two liters of beer

Lessons Learned While Watching A Guy Get Into A Fight With His Reflection
A man on the train
Taught me that New York City
Has meth problems too

Anything Goes In Chinatown
Rules for restaurants:
No T.V.s and no carpets
(Except Chinatown)

I Meant To Go To Bed At Midnight
In New York City
You can stay up until three
Accidentally

"You Live Here?!  Why?!"
Staying in Bushwick
Is cheap and convenient but
Earns taunts from cabbies

Haiku Friday - MERRY CHRISTMAS (That's right, I said it)

Her Candy Standards Are High And Practical
"Don't bother with these,
Russell Stovers make you fart"
Mom's words of wisdom


You Can't Go Wrong With Eggs, Cheese, And Green Chiles, No Matter What It's Called
My sister is right:
Fritata sounds tastier
Than egg casserole


Sacramental Wine Drinking Game: How Many Times Does Mary Drop Jesus
When I was younger
I acted in the pageant
Now, I go to laugh


BRING ON THE BLIZZARD, SANTA
I was all prepared
To write about White Christmas
No snow is bullshit


I Need My Beauty Sleep AND My Presents
Your hoofs on the roof
Better not wake me, reindeer
Or there will be blood

Haiku Friday - Smitten with the Mitten

But We Are!¹
Ev'ry time I say

"We're America's high five!"

People laugh at me

We Were In The Great Recession Before It Went Mainstream

Unemployment is

Just your fancy, east coast word

For GM's bankrupt

On The Coasts They Deconstruct Classic Dishes.  In The Midwest, We Do The Opposite.²

You say "What are these?"

Pointing at my random foods

I say "Casserole"

The Unofficial Tourism Slogan

Come to Michigan!

Please, ignore the militias

And look at the lakes

It Was A Sweet Commercial, Though

The best we could do

For a Michigan spokesman:

Eminem, really?

¹I decided to put all the relevant background information in a footnote:  I'm from Michigan.  The lower peninsula of Michigan looks like a mitten / hand.  If you ever ask me where I grew up, I will show you, on my hand, where in Michigan I'm from.  Here's a map so you can judge for yourself how much of a mitten it is:

²Apparently the opposite is putting everything in one dish and adding cheese and a can of cream of mushroom soup?

Haiku Friday - Cats

Some quick background:  I grew up crazy allergic to cats and actively avoided them my whole life.  I knew as much about the behaviors of cats as I did about alien courtship rituals.

At some point in the not-too-distant past, that allergy went away.  Now I am dating someone who owns three cats, and I am learning all kinds of things about them.  And, dudes, they are crazy.


It Turns Out They're Nothing Like Dogs

I always believed

That cats were like dogs except

Tiny and evil

Not A Recommended Seduction Technique

You reached for my hand

And said in your bedroom voice

"Ignore the cat puke"¹

It's Also Creepy When You Stare At Me From Six Inches Away While I Sleep

Fat cat, where are you?
Hiding behind the curtains,
Always watching me?

Not Unlike When Jersey Shore Went To Florence
Cats harmonizing
Is just like a surprising
But terrible choir

Should I Be Amazed or Freaked Out?
How does your body
Bend in all those directions
Like an Escher print?

I Don't Understand Your Needs
It is misleading
When you sit on me, purring
Then claw at my face

¹True story

Haiku Friday - Technology?!

Technologies Hate The Nicknames We Give Them
Say "The Interwebs"
And "Cellular Telephone"
To speak formally

It's Creepy, Actually
Netflix, you know me
Strong female lead, foreign, dark
And also South Park

What Are Those Sounds Coming From The Lower-Center Part of Your Face Area, Out of Your Food Hole?
I have forgotten
The art of the spoken word
Since texting's advent

I Wasted My IQ on Angry Birds
My droid is smarter
Than your lil' honor student
... and probably me

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE SHOWS TO WATCH (or: On Staying Up Until 2 am)
Five months sans the web
Has rendered me unprepared
For streaming TV

Haiku Friday - Thanksgiving, etc. Edition

We Had French for Thanksgiving Dinner, And You Know What, People of France? You're Aight
I knew I liked you
When you served us the green beans
Wrapped up in bacon

Plus It's Mostly Vegetable!  So Healthy!
My mother taught me
Pumpkin pie can be breakfast
Because it has eggs

It's The Only Thing No One Is Allergic To
In my family,
The first, middle, and last course:
A bottle of wine

Fewer Claws Though
Seventeen of us
A loose itinerary
It's like herding cats

We Still Have To Sit At A Tiny Table And Use Sippy Cups Though
Chillin with cousins:
A permanent kids' table
But now with more booze!

Haiku Friday - Dinosaurs

Have You Ever Had That Dream Where You Can't Scream And There Are Velociraptors Approaching?
Jurassic Park 2
Gave me nightmares, though I was
Twenty-one years old

Useful, Except For Finding A Bike Shop In 71 Million BC Is Killer¹
A magazine said
I could out-run a T-rex
On a mountain bike

Or Good News, Depending On How Attached You Are To Your Soul
If you didn't cry
At Land Before Time, bad news:
You don't have a soul

Because It Would Be Surprising, Right?
From now on, please use
"Jesus on a dinosaur!"
To express surprise

There's So Much We'll Never Know 'Cause They Went Extinct Before Their Time
This morning I thought
Would dinosaurs like haiku?
Damn you, meteor



¹Ha, get it?  Killer?  Because a T-rex just ripped you apart.

Haiku Friday - Odes to Crappy Music

Bashō Is Rolling In His Grave¹
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
....Crap, it's a haiku

There Is No One More Time (or: Misinterpretation of Songs Is a Hobby of Mine)
Hit me, baby, once
You were supposed to know that
Abuse isn't cool

I Have A Theory That Fergie Took A Spelling Class² Before Making "The Dutchess"
I could spell tasty
'Til I heard "Fergalicious"
Drop the e, Fergie

Open Letter To Katy Perry
I kissed a girl, too!
But Jill Sobule beat us both
And her song's better³

Ke$ha Should Clarify That Zero Out Of Five Dentists Recommend Her Methods
My teeth all fell out
When I took your advice re:
A bottle of Jack



¹I know, I know, Rebecca Black was over about 7 months ago.  But I wake up every Friday, and that song gets stuck in my head, and I'm trying to pass that curse onto you.
²That she probably failed, or got a C in, at best.
³Admittedly, though
It's much less fun to dance to
Let's call it even

Haiku Friday - It's Winter

I Really Am This Cheap.  It's 55 Degrees In My House.
How many blankets
Are needed to compensate
For not using heat

It Was Dry In September... So Only Another Seven Months Until I Can Again Leave My House Without A Raincoat¹
Out-of-staters think
Nine months of rain is a joke
I assure you, no.

One Time I Was Stranded In Downtown Portland Because Of Three Inches Of Snow.  I Was Not Laughing Then.
At one inch of snow
Oregonians freak out
And I laugh at them

Maybe White Sheets Were A Terrible Idea
I know it's winter
When my dog leaves muddy prints
All over my bed

The Pacific Northwest Version of This Song² Really Is Less Satisfying
I'm dreaming of a
Wet Christmas, just like the ones...
Oh wait, no I'm not


¹This title has more syllables than the poem.  Is that a sign of success or failure?  I vote success.
²I wrote it.  Right now.  There are bums and cheap booze involved.  And rain, inches and inches of rain.