Friday, February 24, 2012

Haiku Friday - Mornings

It's A Skill Ryder's Taken Years To Perfect
Radio goes on
Dog jumps hard on my bladder
It's time to wake up

It Was A Bigger, Shinier Target Through My Mostly Closed Eyes
In trying to feed
My dog, I dumped his breakfast
In the water dish

No Matter How Much You Mean It At The Time Because It's 6 am For The Love Of God
Yelling: "I hate you,
Shut up" to a barking dog
Kills your soul a bit1

Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne, Your Voices Are Like The Building Blocks for Dreams
I love NPR
It's like forty-five minutes
Of extra sleeping

You Want Me To Bend Over and Fix Them?
I put my slippers
On the wrong feet twice this week.
I wore them that way.


1Also:
Yelling: "I hate you,
Shut up" to a barking dog
Doesn't really work

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Ash Vennsday

First of all, props to my friend Miller who came up with the name and inspiration for this Vennsday.  Yes, that's a real person, not a bottle of beer that I call my friend, although I do that, too.

Anyways, Lent is a time of restraint and penance and prayer.  It is like a cleanse for your soul, in which you live on only lemon soul juice and cayenne soul pepper, and you feel terrible until the hallucinations come on, and then you feel great because you think you just defeated the devil.

It's like inside-out Christmas.

It is, in short, the antithesis of me.

Fun things about Lent: saying Maundy Thursday and being a kid and having sword fights with the cross-shaped palms on Palm Sunday.

Not-fun things about Lent: everything else.

Which is why Lent and I are as separate as the green circle in the Venn Diagram below1:
Know what I like?  Things that I like.  So I'm gonna keep doing 'em.

Maybe I've been a little too hard on the Church thus far.  I mean, if it weren't for Lent, there would be no Mardi Gras2.  And if there were no Mardi Gras, my only excuse for drinking on Tuesday would be "why not?"

 I don't want fish on Fridays.  I want a beer and a burger.  Or maybe like a beer and a burger, but instead of buns, there will be two filets and some pork belly, and then that will be followed up by a bourbon.  Fish is for Sunday brunch when I want something light.  Or maybe for Saturday happy hour at the sushi restaurant.

1I think it's clear to everyone that today isn't my best day for similes.
2There would also be no excuse to say snarky things like "I would respond, but I gave up reading bad grammar for Lent" on youtube comments.3
3I have never actually commented on youtube anything in my life because that whole comment realm makes me believe that it's the end times.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Haiku Friday - Birth Out-of-control

My Parents Didn't Read The Fine Print
Couples, practice rhythm!
High success rates!  Side effects:
Frequent pregnancy

What Did They Use Before Aspirin?
I had it explained:
A pill between the knees means
Stop whoring it up1

Abstinence... Just Kidding!
Weird, no one mentions
The best birth control method:
Gay relationships

Yes, Let's Discuss Lines Crossed
Religious freedoms?
Issa, they are less trampled
Than women's bodies

Everyone Wins!  (Except, Probably, Romney)
Here's a time machine
It's set for 1920
Get in, GOP!

1True story, I really didn't understand what it meant.  I thought "Maybe it's about pleading a headache?  But then why the knees?  Maybe they thought aspirin was a spermicide?"2
2Sometimes, I'm really naive.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Vennsday - Awkward

You know those people who are good with everyone?  They can keep up an interesting conversation in any situation, and then never seem to trip or stutter or offend anyone?  I am the opposite.

In honor of me, let's examine awkwardness:

 I can't figure out hugs.  I mean, I understand how they work, and I successfully give them to people I know really well, but I am not someone who just... hugs.  I should, because what happens instead is I go in for the handshake, and then all of a sudden that hand is awkwardly trapped between us, and then I accidentally grope the hugger.  It ends badly.  On second thought, maybe I should just avoid human contact.
 
Nothing kills a good joke like someone being offended.  On the other hand, I usually manage to say offend someone within about five minutes of meeting them.  How was I supposed to know that your grandmother was killed by walking into a bar?!?!
Well, the good news is... it won't be awkward for long.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Haiku Friday - Gay Marriage

At Least He's A Boy! ...'Cause Gay Dog Marriage Is Just Wrong
Legal gay marriage
Makes me wonder: how long 'til
I can wed my dog?

Not Even Your Sweater Vests Can Ruin This Week For Me
What's that, Santorum?
I couldn't hear your hatred
Over all the gay

How I Met Your Father (And Why We Have Separate Bedrooms)
Is it gay marriage
If I decide to marry
Neil Patrick Harris?

They Haven't Had This Much Business Since Hillary Was Campaigning
Makers of pant-suits
Are celebrating the news
And watching Ellen

I Now Pronounce You Mitt And Husbands
Twenty debates are
Equivalent to marriage
In many cultures

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Vennsday - Come Together

It's hard to see, sometimes, what liberals and conservatives have in common.  Obviously, we all like the Colbert Report1 and tacos, but those things only get us so far2.

Do we have any other things in common?  Let's examine some issues.


Nerds can be liberals or conservatives: nerdism doesn't discriminate.  They all agree that cotton is comfortable and that school is pretty awesome, but they don't agree on the best source of news.  Let's just stick to what we agree on: being stuffed in a locker gets to be uncomfortable after a while.

Everyone agrees that art goes on walls or sometimes in gardens, but not everyone agrees that Picasso is art (*I seriously had a guy in college art history class argue about whether or not Picasso was art because he didn't recognize the figure as a person).  Let's just all go look at a nice Monet, and make little paint-smushing noises as we think about his method3.

Teenage sex is there, in the middle of our country, just like this yellow Venn circle in the middle of the diagram, where no one likes to talk about it.  Conservatives get around this by basically ignoring it and handing out abstinence only textbooks that I can only assume have a cover, a back cover, and a single sheet that says "NO" in giant letters between the two covers.  Liberals overcompensate by talking about all the feelings involved and all the birth control options and encouraging their children to read some interesting books about teenage sex before they have "the talk" so that it can be an informed discussion and emailing Dan Savage when it turns their kid is gay so that they can start all over again but have the books about teenage gay sex.  Seriously, though, kids: use a condom.4


1The great thing about the Report is that everyone thinks they're in on a big secret that the other side doesn't get.
2Mostly these two things get us to our couch for fourth meal.
3Is that just me?  I like to add sound effects to my art experiences....
4You should all know that while I was writing that paragraph, I was still making paint smushing sounds in my head and thinking about Monet.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Haiku Friday - Visual Stimulation Of Yesteryear

If I Still Had It, It Would Be Cool Again
The ninja turtles
Graced my lunchbox until an
Embarrassing age

This May Explain My Strange Fondness For English Actresses Born Before World War II
I had no cable
Instead of Salute Your Shorts
'Twas Murder, She Wrote

Maybe The 3D Version Will Have A Different Ending!
I saw Titanic
Six times in the theater
He died every time

I've Seen That Movie Enough Times For All Of You
Sleepovers required
Watching the movie Clueless
Quoting, constantly

Damn Kids, Talking About "Mars Needs Moms" grumble grumble grumble
When I was a kid
Disney movies were still good
Now get off my lawn!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Vennsday - Tiny Overlaps

If you're going to get all accurate about it, the amount of overlap that a Venn Diagram has visually is unrelated to the actual set size.  I don't care.  I like it when the overlap size is "to scale."

With that in mind, here are some things that have only one thing in common:

Obviously they're going to make a movie about my life.  I think that's just something we all should accept.  It will probably be some kind of indie super hero movie, in which I'll be nerdy but hot (and buff), and I'll do things like hold up a falling bridge with my great strength and MATH and solve climate change.  There will be nary a spreadsheet or overworked city planner in sight.  But, somewhere in the MATH montage, there will be a brief moment of comic relief when I write "BOOBS" on my calculator.1

There's nothing worse than accidentally making eye contact with the Drunk Guy at a bar in the middle of the afternoon, and then being forced to have a conversation with him.  I can't find it in myself to say "I'm just here for a sandwich, bro, please leave me alone."  Instead, I get to hear about all the things he likes: bus passes, finally passing a class he failed thirty years ago, his salad, no seriously he salad is amazing would I like to try it, and Asian girls because they're good at math.  Oh, Drunk Guy, racist comments are a terrible way to make friends.  We could have just talked about beer!

Oh, wait, he floated that as a serious campaign promise?  Uh, never mind.


1Instead of saying "turn that frown upside down," everyone should say "turn that 58008 upside down" because then you get boobs AND a smile.