I Know It Has Some Huge Fans, But I Prefer To Get My High Fructose Corn Syrup Other Ways
First off, let's agree
That the worst sweet by far
Must be candy corn
Either Way, We Get To Dress Up Like Superheroes
Once upon a time
We all went trick-or-treating
Now we do pub crawls
Thoughts On The Village Halloween Parade
Sir, where are your pants?
And, how does being naked
Count as a costume?
It's When You're Old Enough For Me To Call You Dude (Please Don't Egg My House)
How old is too old
To come to my house and ask
For some free shit, dude?
I'm Still Waiting For Rockapella's Comeback Tour
Mix up back to back,
Belly to belly for a
Zombie Jamboree
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Special Edition of Haiku Friday - Libra Birthdays
In honor of a whole bunch of birthdays this month of close friends (and me, who is the closest of all my friends), here is a special birthday edition of Haiku Friday. An extra big happy birthday to Em & Heather, whose birthdays are actually today!
Happy Birthday, Em & Heather!
You will always be
Eleven days behind me
Please enjoy your youth
The 27 Club
I have been informed
It will prove I'm a rock star
If I die this year
Why I Can't Stay Up Past Nine On My Birthday
Cake! Get in my face!
But, I beg, this time do not
Leave a food coma
A Full Three-Quarters of the Women I have Dated Have Been Libras
Hey there, Libra lady
You know, it's my birthday, too?
We should get it on
Would It Be Socially Acceptable For Me To Go To A Bar Dressed As A Ninja?
Drinking beer is great
But birthdays used to involve
Wearing a costume
Happy Birthday, Em & Heather!
You will always be
Eleven days behind me
Please enjoy your youth
The 27 Club
I have been informed
It will prove I'm a rock star
If I die this year
Why I Can't Stay Up Past Nine On My Birthday
Cake! Get in my face!
But, I beg, this time do not
Leave a food coma
A Full Three-Quarters of the Women I have Dated Have Been Libras
Hey there, Libra lady
You know, it's my birthday, too?
We should get it on
Would It Be Socially Acceptable For Me To Go To A Bar Dressed As A Ninja?
Drinking beer is great
But birthdays used to involve
Wearing a costume
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
My Crappy Giraffe
Surfers of the Internet,
Today I give you a gift. I am a kind and benevolent blogger, so I am giving of myself and my artistic genius.
This morning, I spent three-maybe even five-minutes learning how to draw a giraffe. I looked at it, and it was good1. Then I thought, "Know who likes giraffes? Ladies2. Even my very own lady friend."
I added some key text to the drawing, and voilà, a piece of dating genius:
Feel free to use this as your own. It's poorly drawn enough that a lady will believe that it came from your equally untalented hand.
Have you ever wanted to express any of these feelings to a lady3 who maybe you would like to be your lady friend, but have not been sure how?
Please note, these are inappropriate times to use the giraffe:
Use responsibly... and you're welcome.
1It was not at all good.
2This claim is not backed up by scientific research.
3Or a dude. I just think maybe giraffes work better on the ladies. Because I'm a sexist and also because I have seen way more ladies say "awwwwwww" at giraffes.
Today I give you a gift. I am a kind and benevolent blogger, so I am giving of myself and my artistic genius.
This morning, I spent three-maybe even five-minutes learning how to draw a giraffe. I looked at it, and it was good1. Then I thought, "Know who likes giraffes? Ladies2. Even my very own lady friend."
I added some key text to the drawing, and voilà, a piece of dating genius:
Giraffe subtext: Hey, ladies!
Feel free to use this as your own. It's poorly drawn enough that a lady will believe that it came from your equally untalented hand.
Have you ever wanted to express any of these feelings to a lady3 who maybe you would like to be your lady friend, but have not been sure how?
- I was bored at work, so I drew you something nice because you're always on my mind!
- I identify as a giraffe who likes ladies!
- Oh god, my leg is broken and atrophied, but I'm filled with so much love for you!
- I'm six!
- Weeee! Irregular geometric shapes!
- Help! I'm stuck on graph paper and I miss the savanna!
- I did something awful, and I thought a poorly drawn giraffe would distract you from that.
- I love you!
Please note, these are inappropriate times to use the giraffe:
- Picking up a lady in a bar. Too fast, yo, too fast.
- In the middle of a serious conversation. Giraffes should only be used in times of happiness.
- With someone who has had a close friend or family member mauled by a giraffe.
- In an art museum. It won't hold up well in comparison.
Use responsibly... and you're welcome.
1It was not at all good.
2This claim is not backed up by scientific research.
3Or a dude. I just think maybe giraffes work better on the ladies. Because I'm a sexist and also because I have seen way more ladies say "awwwwwww" at giraffes.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Me vs. The Door
I should start out by saying that I love the place where I live. It is perfect for me and has a huge and beautiful yard that is perfect for me dog.
However, since I moved in, I have been engaged in a war with the bedroom doors (hmmm, that is much to rhymey, and I would rather not say "war with a door" any more than those two times in this post. Maybe it's more of an epic battle). To be fair, they are folding doors, so they are unlike 98% of all the doors that I have used.
Round 1 went to the doors. I struggled to open them for the first couple weeks that I lived there. But it's totally normal for an adult to be stuck in her own room, right?
Round 2 went to... my dog. He figured out how to open the doors at about the same time I did and used that skill enthusiastically every morning at 6:45 right before my alarm went off.
Round 3 went to the doors and my dog. I'm pretty sure that they conspired all day while I was gone at work. He opened the door, per usual, but instead of just opening, it fell on me and woke me up. After inspecting myself for life threatening injuries1, I went to check on the door... and that's when I discovered that it was held together by wire.
For the next month or so, the door leaned up against its frame and experienced feelings of instability, neglect, and ostracism. I felt a sense of superiority and laziness; every time I looked at the door I thought, "I control your destiny, door!" which I'm going to count as a win for me. (For those at home keeping score, that's Doors: 2, Dog: 2, Human: 12).
Finally, one night, fueled by beer and a brief bout of courage, I decided to fix the door. I knew there was a high risk that I would end up gluing my hand to the door, but I was willing to take it. I was going to win this battle.
As a safety precaution, I wrapped my hands in paper towel while I handled the glue (we can glide right past the fact that I was doing this all in my underwear, so maybe I should have covered more than just my hands...). I knelt down over the broken door, glue at the edge of the bottle... and realized that the wires were still on the broken part.
I spent 15 minutes trying to get them off and was rewarded with several bloody fingers and two mangled, but still tight, wires.
"Fine," said I, "Keep your stupid wires!" and then I put glue everywhere I could fit it in the broken part.
Interesting aside: did you know wood glue foams when you expose it to air? Neither did I until after I applied it and then read the instructions!
When I awoke in the morning, the door was fixed (yay!), but the hole for the pin that holds the door to its frame was all full of glue-foam. Hard, hard glue-foam.
Interesting aside the second: know what's a great way to start the morning? Hammering a pin into hard glue-foam! In your underwear, which is apparently the only way I work!
By the time I left for work, I had two standing doors. I had succeeded.
Except somehow neither door was actually set correctly in the door frame.
I think now it's time to go to the graph to see how I have done overall against the door.
Oh, I have clearly lost. At this point, the door is galloping around my house, with my desecrated carcass attached to the back of its chariot3.
1There were none, except for the emotional ones. An irrational fear of doors shouldn't be a problem, right? I can just live in a tent! I know just the place for that!
2Ninjas: 3,467,591. They always win.
3It would appear from my multiple Troy references that the only epic poem I've read is the Illiad. I will try to casually work in some other classics references so that this blog attracts the right crowd.
However, since I moved in, I have been engaged in a war with the bedroom doors (hmmm, that is much to rhymey, and I would rather not say "war with a door" any more than those two times in this post. Maybe it's more of an epic battle). To be fair, they are folding doors, so they are unlike 98% of all the doors that I have used.
Round 1 went to the doors. I struggled to open them for the first couple weeks that I lived there. But it's totally normal for an adult to be stuck in her own room, right?
Round 2 went to... my dog. He figured out how to open the doors at about the same time I did and used that skill enthusiastically every morning at 6:45 right before my alarm went off.
Round 3 went to the doors and my dog. I'm pretty sure that they conspired all day while I was gone at work. He opened the door, per usual, but instead of just opening, it fell on me and woke me up. After inspecting myself for life threatening injuries1, I went to check on the door... and that's when I discovered that it was held together by wire.
For the next month or so, the door leaned up against its frame and experienced feelings of instability, neglect, and ostracism. I felt a sense of superiority and laziness; every time I looked at the door I thought, "I control your destiny, door!" which I'm going to count as a win for me. (For those at home keeping score, that's Doors: 2, Dog: 2, Human: 12).
Finally, one night, fueled by beer and a brief bout of courage, I decided to fix the door. I knew there was a high risk that I would end up gluing my hand to the door, but I was willing to take it. I was going to win this battle.
As a safety precaution, I wrapped my hands in paper towel while I handled the glue (we can glide right past the fact that I was doing this all in my underwear, so maybe I should have covered more than just my hands...). I knelt down over the broken door, glue at the edge of the bottle... and realized that the wires were still on the broken part.
I spent 15 minutes trying to get them off and was rewarded with several bloody fingers and two mangled, but still tight, wires.
"Fine," said I, "Keep your stupid wires!" and then I put glue everywhere I could fit it in the broken part.
Interesting aside: did you know wood glue foams when you expose it to air? Neither did I until after I applied it and then read the instructions!
When I awoke in the morning, the door was fixed (yay!), but the hole for the pin that holds the door to its frame was all full of glue-foam. Hard, hard glue-foam.
Interesting aside the second: know what's a great way to start the morning? Hammering a pin into hard glue-foam! In your underwear, which is apparently the only way I work!
By the time I left for work, I had two standing doors. I had succeeded.
Except somehow neither door was actually set correctly in the door frame.
I think now it's time to go to the graph to see how I have done overall against the door.
Not graphed: Doors laughing heartily at my failures. I ran out of colors, but I can tell you it would be a line at 2 all the way across.
Oh, I have clearly lost. At this point, the door is galloping around my house, with my desecrated carcass attached to the back of its chariot3.
1There were none, except for the emotional ones. An irrational fear of doors shouldn't be a problem, right? I can just live in a tent! I know just the place for that!
2Ninjas: 3,467,591. They always win.
3It would appear from my multiple Troy references that the only epic poem I've read is the Illiad. I will try to casually work in some other classics references so that this blog attracts the right crowd.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Haiku Friday - Debauchery
This Makes It Sound Like I'm Going To Start a Rumble, But Actually I'm Just Going To Be Enjoying Some Microbrews and Folk Music
It's Birthday Weekend!
Hang on to your hats because
Shit's gonna go down
I Like to Think It's Classy If It's A $9 Bottle of Aged Beer
What's that, Officer?
What's in the brown bag I have?
... Maybe it's my lunch?
Nerd Alert!
One time I got drunk
And spent hours discussing
The µ1 of spilled beer
Let's See You Try to Dance to That Smug Look On Your Face
We cannot be friends
If you're gonna judge my love
For Lady Gaga
Day 1 of Civil Engineering School
Tacoma Narrows:
Kids, that's why friends don't let friends
Drink and engineer2
1Pronounced "mu," this stands for the coefficient of friction used in kinetics. Also, this is a completely true story.
2I don't think drinking was actually involved with the design of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. In a funny and related aside, though, there is a (abandoned) fort (know as Fort Blunder) at Rouse's Point that was accidentally built 3/4 of a mile inside Canada because surveyors used to get paid partially in whiskey. Surveying used to be a cold and lonely job, so sometimes/often they drank up their payment while they were working... and then were unable to find the 45th Parallel aka the northern boundary of that part of our country. Not that I'm judging... I can't find the 45th Parallel sober.
It's Birthday Weekend!
Hang on to your hats because
Shit's gonna go down
I Like to Think It's Classy If It's A $9 Bottle of Aged Beer
What's that, Officer?
What's in the brown bag I have?
... Maybe it's my lunch?
Nerd Alert!
One time I got drunk
And spent hours discussing
The µ1 of spilled beer
Let's See You Try to Dance to That Smug Look On Your Face
We cannot be friends
If you're gonna judge my love
For Lady Gaga
Day 1 of Civil Engineering School
Tacoma Narrows:
Kids, that's why friends don't let friends
Drink and engineer2
1Pronounced "mu," this stands for the coefficient of friction used in kinetics. Also, this is a completely true story.
2I don't think drinking was actually involved with the design of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. In a funny and related aside, though, there is a (abandoned) fort (know as Fort Blunder) at Rouse's Point that was accidentally built 3/4 of a mile inside Canada because surveyors used to get paid partially in whiskey. Surveying used to be a cold and lonely job, so sometimes/often they drank up their payment while they were working... and then were unable to find the 45th Parallel aka the northern boundary of that part of our country. Not that I'm judging... I can't find the 45th Parallel sober.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me! Or: My Not-crappy Birthday
This is what I drew during my staff meeting, after eating some cake (mmmmm cake at 10 am) and then talking about beer for 15 minutes (in a totally1 work-related way, surprisingly.)
I realize this is not really true to Pac-Man, but I don't care. I can do whatever I want because it's my birthday!
If you're craving cake or beer, you should go get some and blame it on me.
Tomorrow (or later), we will return to our regularly scheduled crappy projects.
1Totally might be too strong of a word. "Tangentially" or even "not-at-all" might be more accurate.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Haiku Friday - Grammar Edition
The Depths of My Love for This Particular Type of Punctuation Rival The Depths of Hatred that Trojans Have for Giant Wooden Horses
Commas got you down?
Writing have that "blah" feeling?
Use semicolons!1
An Incomplete Set of Instructions
Take two separate
(But related) thoughts, and then:
Join them together!
I didn't make up this example
The strippers are not
JFK and Stalin (ew)
Thanks, Oxford comma!
"I am sorry for this incontinence to all of you but I have no choice in the matter"
Dearest Architect
Proofread, please - inconvenience,
Not incontinence
To be fair, I sometimes wrote "a lot" as one word until I read this
Don't get me started
On your/you're or their/they're/there
Just read The Oatmeal
1For the love of God, and all that is holy, I do not mean to imply that you can just replace commas with semicolons at will.
Commas got you down?
Writing have that "blah" feeling?
Use semicolons!1
An Incomplete Set of Instructions
Take two separate
(But related) thoughts, and then:
Join them together!
I didn't make up this example
The strippers are not
JFK and Stalin (ew)
Thanks, Oxford comma!
"I am sorry for this incontinence to all of you but I have no choice in the matter"
Dearest Architect
Proofread, please - inconvenience,
Not incontinence
To be fair, I sometimes wrote "a lot" as one word until I read this
Don't get me started
On your/you're or their/they're/there
Just read The Oatmeal
1For the love of God, and all that is holy, I do not mean to imply that you can just replace commas with semicolons at will.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Hydration or Goddamn, I love coffee
I occasionally embark on self-improvement projects. There was the "I am going to bike to work every day" project, which was derailed by the "It rains 9 months out of the year, and there are no showers at my workplace" realization. Then there was bootcamp, which was awesome until (three days in) I stretched a foot tendon and had to wear a walking sandal for a couple months. Bootcamp + non-bending footgear = no. Then there was "Yay triathlons!" followed by "Swimming is hard and so is running, how about instead I just bike!" ... and then we come back to the beginning of the cycle. (... or bi-cycle! ha, a pun.)
Yeah, my track record isn't great.
Despite all that, I am signed up for 30 days of Bikram Yoga (thank you, awesome deal on living social!), and the website very sternly told me to drink at least twice as much water as is normally recommended, which is 8 glasses per day (obviously).
That sounds easy! I will be well on my way to looking like this:
Yeah, my track record isn't great.
Despite all that, I am signed up for 30 days of Bikram Yoga (thank you, awesome deal on living social!), and the website very sternly told me to drink at least twice as much water as is normally recommended, which is 8 glasses per day (obviously).
That sounds easy! I will be well on my way to looking like this:
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