Haiku Friday - More New York

That's A Lot Of Trips To The Peegarten
German biergarten
Is actually code for
Two liters of beer

Lessons Learned While Watching A Guy Get Into A Fight With His Reflection
A man on the train
Taught me that New York City
Has meth problems too

Anything Goes In Chinatown
Rules for restaurants:
No T.V.s and no carpets
(Except Chinatown)

I Meant To Go To Bed At Midnight
In New York City
You can stay up until three
Accidentally

"You Live Here?!  Why?!"
Staying in Bushwick
Is cheap and convenient but
Earns taunts from cabbies

Vennsday - Things learned and discussed in New York City

I am not going to lie, I am sitting n a cafe, drinking a glass of wine.  I threw these together on a napkin, then took slightly out of focus pictures of them.  They might not post right.

I'm bringing crappy back.

Haiku Friday - MERRY CHRISTMAS (That's right, I said it)

Her Candy Standards Are High And Practical
"Don't bother with these,
Russell Stovers make you fart"
Mom's words of wisdom


You Can't Go Wrong With Eggs, Cheese, And Green Chiles, No Matter What It's Called
My sister is right:
Fritata sounds tastier
Than egg casserole


Sacramental Wine Drinking Game: How Many Times Does Mary Drop Jesus
When I was younger
I acted in the pageant
Now, I go to laugh


BRING ON THE BLIZZARD, SANTA
I was all prepared
To write about White Christmas
No snow is bullshit


I Need My Beauty Sleep AND My Presents
Your hoofs on the roof
Better not wake me, reindeer
Or there will be blood

Vennsday - Minimal Holiday References

Are you feeling overwhelmed by all the holiday spirit all over the interwebs?  Do you want to just take a break, preferably one full of sarcasm?  Then you're in the right place.

....although there is one Christmas reference.  I just put it in there because I wanted to offend everyone who doesn't acknowledge Christ as the one, true path to salvation and righteousness.  I'm talking to YOU, everyone who reads this blog.

Have you ever wanted to make a convoluted insult or compliment, but you just couldn't find something ridiculous and random enough?  Fortunately for you, I am the queen of awkward randomness.  So, next time you really want to intimidate¹ someone, say "Like the birds in 'Finding Nemo' say, your ass is mine!  Mine!  Mine!"  Obviously, you have to do the "Mine!"'s in that super high tone that they use.

 Someday, you'll probably wake up from a coma and wonder what time of year it is.  I mean, you don't want to make the common coma-patient faux pas of leaving the hospital in unseasonable clothing (shorts in January?!?!  That's wacky!  Get with the times, person who's been dead to the world for many time units!)  Well, I have a helpful hint for you.  We Americans eat our favorite carb with different toppings according to the proximity of certain holidays.  So, if you see that your potatoes are being served with cabbage, you can rest assured that wearing some kind of leprechaun outfit is a good idea².

Know your aliens!  Especially this: the only alien you can trust is one in spandex.  Just ask the GOP presidential candidates.

¹Ok, maybe it won't actually intimidate them.  But it will annoy them!  And make them take you way less seriously.
²To be fair, wearing a leprechaun outfit is ALWAYS a good idea.

I live here Monday - I probably have your stolen stuff

There is a lot of petty theft in Eugene.  A.  Lot.  I don't want you to underestimate the amount of theft and vandalism here, just because it's a small-to-medium city, the population density is pretty low, people tend to be well-educated, and there are lots of butterflies and green trees and happy, smiling children.

There's also enough meth to fuel China's work force for a month.

Over the past few months, I have noticed a strange trend.  In the narrow and seldom traveled gap between the buildings next to my building, freshly stolen items often appear.  It's never anything too valuable, just bike wheels and workout clothes and, once, a complete set of Spanish flashcards.

Why does all this stuff end up in that alley?  Well, I have a theory.  Have you heard of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch?  It's a bunch of garbage (a bunch = hundreds of thousands of square miles) that is stuck in the middle of the ocean, slowly disintegrating.  It ends up there because it's kind of a dumping ground for the ocean currents:

I think that the alley behind my office is the Great Eugene Dumping Ground for Valueless Stolen Crap.  Check it out:

The high pressure zones of rich professionals and cars, which are just asking to be broken into, provide the valueless crap, but they also push the petty thieves with their stolen goods away from the business district of downtown.  At that point, the thieves start going through the bags they've ripped off, and unconsciously get stuck in a loop they're very familiar with¹ - Public Defender's office to the various required counseling places to the drug dealers in the alley(not pictured).  They are forced off the actual streets by the nerdy looking bicycle cops, drop all the crap they don't want to keep behind my office, then break the loop and run off towards the bike path.

After not too much time, the ANGRY RED ARROWS OF METH! force them back to repeat the cycle day after day.

Anyways, what I'm saying is that, you know that bike you had stolen?  I probably have the cast-off pieces of your destroyed lock.  The bike is long gone, though.  Sorry, dude.

¹Am I saying that there is no hope for these people?  No, there are a lot of really dedicated workers trying to get them out of this loop....  On the other hand, I once watched a fight break out at the halfway house because they guys living there didn't agree on how to best water the lawn.

Haiku Friday - Smitten with the Mitten

But We Are!¹
Ev'ry time I say

"We're America's high five!"

People laugh at me

We Were In The Great Recession Before It Went Mainstream

Unemployment is

Just your fancy, east coast word

For GM's bankrupt

On The Coasts They Deconstruct Classic Dishes.  In The Midwest, We Do The Opposite.²

You say "What are these?"

Pointing at my random foods

I say "Casserole"

The Unofficial Tourism Slogan

Come to Michigan!

Please, ignore the militias

And look at the lakes

It Was A Sweet Commercial, Though

The best we could do

For a Michigan spokesman:

Eminem, really?

¹I decided to put all the relevant background information in a footnote:  I'm from Michigan.  The lower peninsula of Michigan looks like a mitten / hand.  If you ever ask me where I grew up, I will show you, on my hand, where in Michigan I'm from.  Here's a map so you can judge for yourself how much of a mitten it is:

²Apparently the opposite is putting everything in one dish and adding cheese and a can of cream of mushroom soup?

My Crappy Magical Venn Unicorn

I like to imagine that at some point someone has asked about my Venn Diagrams: where does she come up with this crap?!?!  Well, the Magical Venn Unicorn is a real thing.  I didn't make it up yesterday in a fit of delirium.

It lives under my desk, feasting on the scraps of my lunches and anything else it can scavenge in my office.

Yesterday, I managed to draw up a quick picture of the Magical Venn Unicorn in action.  It spews out random words and circles, and then those eventually coalesce on my screen.  It also spews out gay rainbow hearts¹.

You are probably wondering about this unicorn.  Here are the answers to my assumed FAQ's:

Q:  Isn't it cruel to keep such a beautiful creature under your desk?

A:  It stays because of its own free will².

Q:  Why are its proportions so weird?
A:  First of all, that's rude.  Secondly, the well-proportioned unicorns don't get stuck with the crap powers like Venn Diagramming.

Q:  Aren't you afraid Voldemort is going to come drink its blood?
A:  No.  Voldemort is a fictional character.

Q:  Have you considered using its power for evil?
A:  Yesterday I had a Venn Diagram teaching you how to swear.  So, obviously yes.

Q:  Can I give one to my favorite child/niece/nephew/grandchild/whatevs?
A:  Yes you can!  Just hit print, then BAM you have a great paper toy!  I will not be held responsible for the gayifying effect it might have or for any paper cuts.

Q:  Where can I find more super awesome unicorns?
A:  Right here: http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/

¹Because it's a unicorn.
²And because of the fence I've put up.

Vennsday - Just Phoning It In

There were several times today while I was Venning when I thought to myself, "What am I, some kind of magical Venn unicorn who can just shoot Venn Diagrams, rainbows, and happiness out of my horn?"  Dear readers, those were some dark times.  I have come out of those dark times into this meadow of circles and words to realize that yes, yes I am a magical Venn unicorn.

There's no theme.  There's barely even logic.  Enjoy!

Are you thinking about making a movie or a commercial?  Please consult this diagram first.  Talking babies are creepy (I'm talking to you, eTrade).  I don't want to see any more of them.  Baby animals, on the other hand, are the greatest thing ever.  I would like it if there were more streaming puppies (remember this?  OH MY GOD, I can't believe I missed the second litter last April).

 I struggled with this.  I had a really, really hard time coming up with someone from the GOP who was not crazy but still a philanderer.  If you don't know who John Ensign is, please leave it that way.  And, sadly, Newt passes for articulate in the field of candidates.  Also, according to me, Mitt wins.

If you hang around me long enough, you'll hear me swear in weird ways.  I do it when I'm excited and when I'm angry and when I'm sad.  If you want to swear like me (and I'm sure you do), follow the above diagram.  For example, when I see something awesome, I say "Holy crapmonkeys, there's something awesome!" and when I realize I have just lost 3 hours worth of work because I didn't save, I say "Awww, fuckpants, I can't believe autosave has failed me."  I rarely get angry, but if I did, I would probably tell someone to go screw some poo, you stupid pooscrewer.

Haiku Friday - Cats

Some quick background:  I grew up crazy allergic to cats and actively avoided them my whole life.  I knew as much about the behaviors of cats as I did about alien courtship rituals.

At some point in the not-too-distant past, that allergy went away.  Now I am dating someone who owns three cats, and I am learning all kinds of things about them.  And, dudes, they are crazy.


It Turns Out They're Nothing Like Dogs

I always believed

That cats were like dogs except

Tiny and evil

Not A Recommended Seduction Technique

You reached for my hand

And said in your bedroom voice

"Ignore the cat puke"¹

It's Also Creepy When You Stare At Me From Six Inches Away While I Sleep

Fat cat, where are you?
Hiding behind the curtains,
Always watching me?

Not Unlike When Jersey Shore Went To Florence
Cats harmonizing
Is just like a surprising
But terrible choir

Should I Be Amazed or Freaked Out?
How does your body
Bend in all those directions
Like an Escher print?

I Don't Understand Your Needs
It is misleading
When you sit on me, purring
Then claw at my face

¹True story

Vennsday - Timely and Confusing

I know, I know... it's confusing that it is both Wednesday and Vennsday.  It was an accident born of sleep deprivation and the resulting attraction to brightly colored words.  Next week, I'm sure Vennsday will be on an unpredictable day once again.

Shall we?

Have you ever been a hipster in a bar and realized you're sitting next to a guy who just got off the factory line?  Have you thought "This is unironically awkward, what will we talk about?"  Don't fear!  Look in his hand and in your hand and realize that you are both drinking the same terrible beer!  Make a new friend!  (Hipsters, I do not recommend trying this with Don Draper or James Bond because they will scoff and then refuse to tell you where they got their dapper outfits.  Burn.)

Hats are a good warning sign that someone is a hipster.  Hipsters love hats, especially hats that were cool 40 years ago.  Look closely, though, because you may think you're approaching a hipster in a golf cap when BAM you're hit by hair gel and gold chains and you realize that you've just been douched.

NOTE: Lesbians not featured.  They love ALL hats.  Also, I have a theory that all hipsters are just trying to be lesbians.  We've been wearing flannel and chucks for years, people.

Know your gays!  There's a whole world of non-femme lesbians out there, and, trust me, they will be vaguely offended if you label them wrong¹.  Look for the signs:  dressing like a gay man?  Probably a boi.  Dressing down a subordinate on their iPhone (which is normally in a hip holster)?  Power dyke.  Wearing sweats and administering friendly shoulder punches?  Sporty.  Stereotypical lesbian shown in the media through the 90's?  Butch.  Mullet?  Could be any of 'em.  It's a problem that plagues our people; I wish I knew why.

Well, I hope you've learned something.  I certainly have.  I've learned that I should limit the number of times my circles overlap because I'm getting dizzy just looking at these things.

¹Even though 99% of them will say they don't believe in labels

I Live Here Monday

My awesome and less profane friend has an awesome and less profane blog, Stowaway.  She has a weekly feature called "My Kind of Town Monday," which made me want to do something similar.  I don't really take nice pictures, though, or really love the city I'm living in.¹

Also, I don't think I can commit to another weekly update, with the other two crappy weekly features I have and the wine club wines that I have to drink every month and waking up every day...  I'm a busy person, basically.

On the other hand, sometimes shit gets hilarious here in Eugene.  So, I will have a whenever-I-feel-like-it Monday feature called "I live here" Monday, and I'll talk about a funny sight that I saw or how a crazy transient² greeted me or how I bought a snobby Eugene ten dollar beer and then spilled half of it down my shirt, making my shirt worth twice its former value.

Here's the first thing you need to know about Eugene:

People here love college football.  Really, really love it.  In a survey that I just conducted³, 72% of respondents said they loved Ducks Football more than their first born children, 14% didn't have any children because they had traded them for season tickets, 11% just screamed "GO DUCKS," and 3% were total NPR-listening nerds who are about to get beat up and have their gluten-free tempeh sandwiches stolen.

So, if you visit the place I live, I suggest you learn how to do the Oregon "O," which is a totally innocent suggestion and absolutely does not mean vagina in sign language.

¹How many Eugenians did I just offend?  It's not terrible, it's just... uh, not my kind of town.

²We don't call them homeless or hobos or bums here... we call them transients.  This is because we assume they are transitioning between homes or maybe between cities.  This is wishful thinking.  At best, they are transitioning between hits of meth.

³I did not conduct a survey.

Haiku Friday - Technology?!

Technologies Hate The Nicknames We Give Them
Say "The Interwebs"
And "Cellular Telephone"
To speak formally

It's Creepy, Actually
Netflix, you know me
Strong female lead, foreign, dark
And also South Park

What Are Those Sounds Coming From The Lower-Center Part of Your Face Area, Out of Your Food Hole?
I have forgotten
The art of the spoken word
Since texting's advent

I Wasted My IQ on Angry Birds
My droid is smarter
Than your lil' honor student
... and probably me

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE SHOWS TO WATCH (or: On Staying Up Until 2 am)
Five months sans the web
Has rendered me unprepared
For streaming TV

Vennsday is the new Thursday

Last week, much time with my family was spent discussing how we would all be classified.  Can nerds be cool?  What separates a "cool" nerd from Sheldon on "Big Bang Theory"?  What do bros and nerds have in common?

These questions are all answered.  This time in ovals!

Bros and nerds don't agree on much... but they can both get behind a good pair of khakis and a polo shirt.  My coworker calls it the "engineer's uniform."  I call it "dress code at the prep school I attended."  We are finding common ground here, people.

Similarly, if you're a hipster, it's not cool to act like you like knowledge.  That's not ironic at all, dude.  Not like that mullet and molester 'stache.  An exception can be made if you're a student... then rock the nerdiness!  Just don't act like you care.

Engineers?  Not very cool.  They don't make eye contact and constantly correct you.  Accuracy, not human connections, is what's important.  They will talk at you and wonder why you look lost after thirty minutes on the molecular details of stormwater treatment.  Smart people, though?  Super cool.  Especially when they are self-proclaimed nerds who can still hold a conversation.  Those people are the best.  Once I finish this exercise in visual representations of elementary set theory, maybe I'll go be cool.

Wondering why you don't have any friends, my engineering peers?  It's because you're awkward.  That would be fine, except that you don't realize you're awkward.  You have conquered handshakes and taught your mouth to smile, but you're standing too close with your horrible coffee breath, and I'm pretty sure you just called that girl fat and stupid.  It is horribly uncomfortable to be around you.  Learn to recognize the signs of other people's discomfort and make a joke about yourself, and then you can join the ranks of stand-up comedians.  Once you do that, it will be your job to call that girl fat and stupid.  Uh, you still might have no friends, though.  Just fans.

It looks as though I am going for the world record in longest caption.  Wish me luck with that!  Also, where do YOU fit on the circles?  If you don't know, the answer is awkward and not self aware.  Just FYI.