My Crappy Sayings

I feel a great emptiness inside.  It's 90% hunger because it's almost lunch time, 4% from where a soul would be if I weren't gay, but a full 6% is empty¹ because I don't have a snappy ending to "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage.... "  Why am I thinking about this?  Because I was Peter Pan for Halloween, and as we all know, every time you say you don't believe in fairies, a fairy dies.

I'm pretty sure that anyone² who doesn't believe in gay marriage wouldn't have a huge problem with "Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage, a gay (or gay marriage) dies."  But what about these?

Every time you say you don't believe in gay marriage...

• ...a God-fearing, evangelical couple in Alabama gets divorced³.
• ...Dick Cheney has a heart attack.
• ...an embryo's stem cells are harvested, bringing us that much closer to curing various diseases... and killing a baby⁴.
• ...Herman Cain sexually harasses an employee while denying sexually harassing an employee, right in front of someone from Politico.
• ...a child learns about evolution, then falls asleep during the intelligent design lesson.
• ...Obama's approval rating goes up by a point.
• ...a minority and/or illegal immigrant gets that migrant worker job that you were all jazzed about applying for.
• ...a book with four and five-syllable words gets published.
• ...science happens.
• ...two teenagers have unprotected sex on top of their abstinence only homework while wearing their promise rings and then are on "16 and Pregnant."
• ...Sarah Palin gets asked what publications she reads, which is totally a trick question from the elite liberal media, those bastards.   She protects us from Russia, doncha know.
• ...a Kardashian gets divorced³.
• ...Chuck Norris gets punched by a ninja.

Uh, I am running out of things that showcase my prejudice against the south, GOP candidates, bigots, people who can't read good (and don't want to do other things good, too), and reality TV stars.

Any other suggestions?  Any favorites?  Any haters⁵?


¹Numbers not your thing?  I made a pie chart⁶.

²Wow!  Over-generalization!  That whole sentence is totally offensive!
³This is actually true.
⁴If you're in Mississippi.
⁵I think my blog needs some haters.  Then I'll really feel like I've made it.
⁶I am really into pie charts today, probably because this morning I saw a quiche that looks incredible, and quiche is like the meal version of pie.