I live here Monday - I probably have your stolen stuff

There is a lot of petty theft in Eugene.  A.  Lot.  I don't want you to underestimate the amount of theft and vandalism here, just because it's a small-to-medium city, the population density is pretty low, people tend to be well-educated, and there are lots of butterflies and green trees and happy, smiling children.

There's also enough meth to fuel China's work force for a month.

Over the past few months, I have noticed a strange trend.  In the narrow and seldom traveled gap between the buildings next to my building, freshly stolen items often appear.  It's never anything too valuable, just bike wheels and workout clothes and, once, a complete set of Spanish flashcards.

Why does all this stuff end up in that alley?  Well, I have a theory.  Have you heard of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch?  It's a bunch of garbage (a bunch = hundreds of thousands of square miles) that is stuck in the middle of the ocean, slowly disintegrating.  It ends up there because it's kind of a dumping ground for the ocean currents:

I think that the alley behind my office is the Great Eugene Dumping Ground for Valueless Stolen Crap.  Check it out:

The high pressure zones of rich professionals and cars, which are just asking to be broken into, provide the valueless crap, but they also push the petty thieves with their stolen goods away from the business district of downtown.  At that point, the thieves start going through the bags they've ripped off, and unconsciously get stuck in a loop they're very familiar with¹ - Public Defender's office to the various required counseling places to the drug dealers in the alley(not pictured).  They are forced off the actual streets by the nerdy looking bicycle cops, drop all the crap they don't want to keep behind my office, then break the loop and run off towards the bike path.

After not too much time, the ANGRY RED ARROWS OF METH! force them back to repeat the cycle day after day.

Anyways, what I'm saying is that, you know that bike you had stolen?  I probably have the cast-off pieces of your destroyed lock.  The bike is long gone, though.  Sorry, dude.

¹Am I saying that there is no hope for these people?  No, there are a lot of really dedicated workers trying to get them out of this loop....  On the other hand, I once watched a fight break out at the halfway house because they guys living there didn't agree on how to best water the lawn.

My Crappy Magical Venn Unicorn

I like to imagine that at some point someone has asked about my Venn Diagrams: where does she come up with this crap?!?!  Well, the Magical Venn Unicorn is a real thing.  I didn't make it up yesterday in a fit of delirium.

It lives under my desk, feasting on the scraps of my lunches and anything else it can scavenge in my office.

Yesterday, I managed to draw up a quick picture of the Magical Venn Unicorn in action.  It spews out random words and circles, and then those eventually coalesce on my screen.  It also spews out gay rainbow hearts¹.

You are probably wondering about this unicorn.  Here are the answers to my assumed FAQ's:

Q:  Isn't it cruel to keep such a beautiful creature under your desk?

A:  It stays because of its own free will².

Q:  Why are its proportions so weird?
A:  First of all, that's rude.  Secondly, the well-proportioned unicorns don't get stuck with the crap powers like Venn Diagramming.

Q:  Aren't you afraid Voldemort is going to come drink its blood?
A:  No.  Voldemort is a fictional character.

Q:  Have you considered using its power for evil?
A:  Yesterday I had a Venn Diagram teaching you how to swear.  So, obviously yes.

Q:  Can I give one to my favorite child/niece/nephew/grandchild/whatevs?
A:  Yes you can!  Just hit print, then BAM you have a great paper toy!  I will not be held responsible for the gayifying effect it might have or for any paper cuts.

Q:  Where can I find more super awesome unicorns?
A:  Right here: http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/

¹Because it's a unicorn.
²And because of the fence I've put up.

Vennsday is the new Thursday

Last week, much time with my family was spent discussing how we would all be classified.  Can nerds be cool?  What separates a "cool" nerd from Sheldon on "Big Bang Theory"?  What do bros and nerds have in common?

These questions are all answered.  This time in ovals!

Bros and nerds don't agree on much... but they can both get behind a good pair of khakis and a polo shirt.  My coworker calls it the "engineer's uniform."  I call it "dress code at the prep school I attended."  We are finding common ground here, people.

Similarly, if you're a hipster, it's not cool to act like you like knowledge.  That's not ironic at all, dude.  Not like that mullet and molester 'stache.  An exception can be made if you're a student... then rock the nerdiness!  Just don't act like you care.

Engineers?  Not very cool.  They don't make eye contact and constantly correct you.  Accuracy, not human connections, is what's important.  They will talk at you and wonder why you look lost after thirty minutes on the molecular details of stormwater treatment.  Smart people, though?  Super cool.  Especially when they are self-proclaimed nerds who can still hold a conversation.  Those people are the best.  Once I finish this exercise in visual representations of elementary set theory, maybe I'll go be cool.

Wondering why you don't have any friends, my engineering peers?  It's because you're awkward.  That would be fine, except that you don't realize you're awkward.  You have conquered handshakes and taught your mouth to smile, but you're standing too close with your horrible coffee breath, and I'm pretty sure you just called that girl fat and stupid.  It is horribly uncomfortable to be around you.  Learn to recognize the signs of other people's discomfort and make a joke about yourself, and then you can join the ranks of stand-up comedians.  Once you do that, it will be your job to call that girl fat and stupid.  Uh, you still might have no friends, though.  Just fans.

It looks as though I am going for the world record in longest caption.  Wish me luck with that!  Also, where do YOU fit on the circles?  If you don't know, the answer is awkward and not self aware.  Just FYI.

Porch Covering

I like my porch.  It is my favorite place to be, even though all the spiders in the city have moved there.  I like to do the following things on my porch: drink beer, read, nap, drink more beer, sweat profusely in the sun,  eat, drink wine, stare at my dog, and accidentally flash my neighbors (sorry, neighbors) (kind of... you seem like maybe you're a bunch of dicks).

The thing about Oregon is that summer is about 3 and a half weeks long, and then there's something like 15 months of rain.  I don't want to be chased inside just because of the rain, but I also don't want to get wet.  So!  A covering!  A lesser and more practical human being would just buy something like this: A tarp canopy! or this: Another one!

So those are almost exactly what I want to build, but not quite.  I've looked into it, and I'm pretty sure if I spend around $300, I can make my own out of 2" PVC pipes and tarps.  To the diagram:

Now, let's break this thing down in all its glory: