My Crappy Magical Venn Unicorn

I like to imagine that at some point someone has asked about my Venn Diagrams: where does she come up with this crap?!?!  Well, the Magical Venn Unicorn is a real thing.  I didn't make it up yesterday in a fit of delirium.

It lives under my desk, feasting on the scraps of my lunches and anything else it can scavenge in my office.

Yesterday, I managed to draw up a quick picture of the Magical Venn Unicorn in action.  It spews out random words and circles, and then those eventually coalesce on my screen.  It also spews out gay rainbow hearts¹.

You are probably wondering about this unicorn.  Here are the answers to my assumed FAQ's:

Q:  Isn't it cruel to keep such a beautiful creature under your desk?

A:  It stays because of its own free will².

Q:  Why are its proportions so weird?
A:  First of all, that's rude.  Secondly, the well-proportioned unicorns don't get stuck with the crap powers like Venn Diagramming.

Q:  Aren't you afraid Voldemort is going to come drink its blood?
A:  No.  Voldemort is a fictional character.

Q:  Have you considered using its power for evil?
A:  Yesterday I had a Venn Diagram teaching you how to swear.  So, obviously yes.

Q:  Can I give one to my favorite child/niece/nephew/grandchild/whatevs?
A:  Yes you can!  Just hit print, then BAM you have a great paper toy!  I will not be held responsible for the gayifying effect it might have or for any paper cuts.

Q:  Where can I find more super awesome unicorns?
A:  Right here: http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/

¹Because it's a unicorn.
²And because of the fence I've put up.

My Crappy Giraffe

Surfers of the Internet,

Today I give you a gift.  I am a kind and benevolent blogger, so I am giving of myself and my artistic genius.

This morning, I spent three-maybe even five-minutes learning how to draw a giraffe.  I looked at it, and it was good¹.  Then I thought, "Know who likes giraffes?  Ladies².  Even my very own lady friend."

I added some key text to the drawing, and voilà, a piece of dating genius:

Giraffe subtext: Hey, ladies!

Feel free to use this as your own.  It's poorly drawn enough that a lady will believe that it came from your equally untalented hand.

Have you ever wanted to express any of these feelings to a lady³ who maybe you would like to be your lady  friend, but have not been sure how?

• I was bored at work, so I drew you something nice because you're always on my mind!
• I identify as a giraffe who likes ladies!
• Oh god, my leg is broken and atrophied, but I'm filled with so much love for you!
• I'm six!
• Weeee!  Irregular geometric shapes!
• Help!  I'm stuck on graph paper and I miss the savanna!
• I did something awful, and I thought a poorly drawn giraffe would distract you from that.
• I love you!

Email her this giraffe!  There is literally almost no chance she's going to read this blog, so you can bask in the warm glow of her appreciation risk free!

Please note, these are inappropriate times to use the giraffe:

• Picking up a lady in a bar.  Too fast, yo, too fast.
• In the middle of a serious conversation.  Giraffes should only be used in times of happiness.
• With someone who has had a close friend or family member mauled by a giraffe.
• In an art museum.  It won't hold up well in comparison.

Use responsibly... and you're welcome.

¹It was not at all good.
²This claim is not backed up by scientific research.
³Or a dude.  I just think maybe giraffes work better on the ladies.  Because I'm a sexist and also because I have seen way more ladies say "awwwwwww" at giraffes.