Vennsday - FEED ME

I may have just figured out that creating my venns at the end of the work¹ day is a terrible idea because the only thing I can think about is food.  Right now, I'm barely even thinking about this blog post.  What I'm thinking about is how I'm doing it at the request of my big sister for her birthday, and if it's acceptable to buy myself some cake² so I can feel like I'm celebrating with her.

Anyways, onto the main event:

I love pasta.  No, no, you don't understand.  LOVE it.  I used to make whole boxes of it in college and then get sad when my roommate wanted me to share.  But, I don't order it in restaurants much because pasta is meant to be eaten pantsless.  Pants just hold you in, and limit you to a serving!  Pants stop you from passing out immediately after a bowl of delicious, delicious spaghetti drenched in artichoke marinara, topped with gruyere.  No one wants that.

Normally I like burritos.  I like them for breakfast, I like them for lunch, and I like them for dinner.  I like half-eaten burritos from the fridge as a midnight snack.  Weirdly, though, you give me two sips of beer, and all I can think about is tacos.  Maybe burritos become too intimidating, and tacos are like their non-threatening little sibling.  Maybe I've been totally brainwashed by the awesome 3 tacos and a beer for 5 bucks deal at my local taco Tuesday.  All I know is that going to the taco truck that sits outside my favorite dance spot at the end of the night feels like the arrival of the Messiah to me.

Sometimes I make dinner, and my ladyfriend³ is all like "Wow, this is so good, what did you put in it?" and the answer is always "Butter."  I can feel my doctor's disapproval and my arteries clogging as I type this, but whatever that thing you're eating is - it would be better with butter.  Onions?  Obviously.  Pasta?  Duh.  Burgers?  Food & Wine swears by it.  Fish?  Why bother without it.  Butter.  Just add it.

¹ - I misspelled this as "wok" at first, which seems very appropriate.
² - Oh, or maybe spinach pie!  Or some sage and brown butter risotto!  SOMEONE FEED ME
³ - Fiancee!

Vennsday - The Things We Yell

Recently, I've been intaking a lot of internet, so I feel like I should output some internet as well.  This means that you guys get to look at some Venn Diagrams!  Right here!

Imagine that you're in a car with three other full-grown adults, and you drive by a pack of llamas.  Somebody is definitely going to yell "Llamas!!"  Or maybe you're at work, just minding your own business, doing some spreadsheeting, and all of a sudden your boss starts yelling "Raccoon!  Raccoon!"  You don't think this is weird, in fact, you're a little jealous that you didn't get to yell what type of animal it was at that animal.  We don't do this with other things; you're not sitting at your desk, minding your own business, yelling "Spreadsheet!  Spreadsheet!  Coffee!  Food crumbs that I should probably clean out of my keyboard!"  I assume we do this because as children we were rewarded with love and affection for correctly naming animals by our parents, and we still feel a little surge of affirmation when we do it now... and also, you know, llamas!!¹

Yelling is not condoned in Eugene.  If you yell, you're probably a stooge for the patriarchy and you're definitely oppressing somebody's vagina, so maybe you could just take a deep breath, remember this is a safe space, and start using some "I feel" statements in a calm, low voice.  Unless this is about the University of Oregon ducks.  In which case, why aren't you yelling??  Don't you even CARE about how awesome they are???!!??!  You could walk up to a group of strangers on the street, yell in their faces "GO DUCKS," and they would be super psyched about it, and zero vaginas would be oppressed.   

When I get excited, I talk louder and louder until I'm full-on yelling.  It's almost gotten me kicked out of town a few times.  And it's not about cool stuff, it's about storm drainage or maybe the sweet orange color of my calculator².  I would pity my lady friend for having to deal with this, but she does it, too.  I'm pretty sure we're known in local restaurants as the couple who yells about our dinner and the incredible job the CHEF HAS DONE WITH THE SEASONING.

¹The first thing I do when I get home every day is find my two cats and yell "CATS" at them.  Maybe I do this for the affirmation, or maybe I do it because I like reinforcing their identities for them, or maybe I just do it because I think it's inexplicably hilarious.
²Obviously these things are actually super cool.  I just didn't want to make you feel jealous about my incredible swale knowledge or that one time I chose an orange calculator instead of a black one.

Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Cat Poems - A Break From Our Usual Programming

Today, I saw a poem getting passed around the internet.  It is heartbreaking... and a total lie.  My dog feels exactly that way, but neither of the cats do.

So, here is what it's actually like.

Bess Wants To Eat Your Face

My cat is angry.

one other cat is in the family

who eats the food and is friendly

she hates that cat.

she wants cuddles

why aren't you cuddling

she hates cuddles

why are you trying to cuddle

she tastes our skin

preparing for our deaths

fuck off she says i am a cat i hate you

what is that / why haven't i destroyed it yet / i will put it on the floor for you your anger makes me catlaugh

i will drink your water and leave fur in it all my water already has fur in it

leave me alone

why are you sleeping? give me pets

oh, you're awake, i was hoping you were dead

Crappy Projects: Anna vs. The Light Fixture

Universal truth: boobs are awesome but boob lights are the worst.  I don't know how many decades ago somebody said "Do you know what the ceiling needs?  Light bulbs covered in semi-opaque glass shaped like boobs.  And not just THIS ceiling... every ceiling.  Ever."  If you are reading this at home, there is an 85%¹ chance that right now there is a boob lamp stuck to the ceiling over your head, watching you and hating itself for existing².  I do know that they weren't around in the early 20th century, based on my close watching of Downton Abbey, which has provided my entire breadth of knowledge on all the years before 1950 or so.

A Prime Example Of The Offending Light

Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Terseday - Performance Art

From now on, I plan on thinking of homeless people as performance artists, who comment on our society's obsession with hygiene, possessions, and not yelling at passersby.

For more: twitter.com/crappyprojects, hashtag #Terseday

This is a new feature, that I will try to make weekly.  The name of it was a suggestion from my godfather, but the content and slightly offensive nature of it is all my own.

I will post a short statement, and then spend the rest of the day reacting/responding/replying to it on Twitter.  I invite you to join in here or on facebook or twitter.

Vennsday - Emoticons

I'm just going to eaaaase right back into blogging, here, with a simple Vennsday.  Do you remember when punctuation was just punctuation?  When the most you could do to show emotion with it was a ... or a ?!?!?!  You do???  Wow, you're old.

This week's Venn diagrams will help you bridge that generational gap, and help you get over that frantic search for the opening parenthesis when you see this : ).  Or, maybe, it will teach you about the old days, back when dinosaurs cared about the art and style of a well-constructed sentence.

Back to basics.  This is like the neanderthal of emoticons (emotithal). 

Semicolons are my favorite form of punctuation, but I can't actually wink in real life, so every time I use one of these ;), I feel like a fraud.

I don't actually use the asterisk as part of an emoticon, but I do use it to denote degrees, because how the hell do you make a degree sign on the computer*??

*File this under things I should know, but don't, along with how to change my oil and whether one of them is "Kriss" and one of them is "Kross"

The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while¹ eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now² I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:

• Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
• It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
• I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
• It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
• is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
• is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.

So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?

Vennsday (Thursday) - GOP Irony

I spend a good portion of my day reading the political section of the New York Times and listening to NPR, which means I spend a good portion of my day saying "Really?  Really?!?!" inside my head.  The outright lies  don't get to me, and the thinly veiled racism is an expected part of the campaign season.

What makes me say "Really??" is this total lack of a sense of irony.  I am hoping that the following will both help the GOP understand irony, and maybe help them understand Venn Diagrams, too.

I keep hoping someone there will blame it on climate change, for the double Irony Whammy.

To avoid irony in the next convention, I recommend that they all drive non-union cars to Dick Cheney's back yard using privately made gravel roads.  When they arrive, they can shower Bonnaroo style with baby wipes and a gallon of water, so as to avoid using any government utilities.

To be fair, he probably couldn't afford to keep a residence in Massachusetts.  I mean, there are only so many mortgages one man can carry.  Also, does anyone else get a great image of Mitt as a slacker pot-head, living in his son's basement, playing Mario Kart for 8 hours a day?  No, just me?  Oh, carry on then.

Haiku Friday - Rules of Moving

Rule 1: Your Most Embarrassing Books Will End Up On Top
Yes, that's Left Behind
Right next to Sex for Dummies
And the Twilight books

Rule 2: Trash Bags Are Your Friends
I will be dumping
Whole desk drawers into trash bags
As the truck arrives

Rule 3: Planning Only Gets You So Far
Now everything's packed
Except cake pans, tampons, and
Pictures of Grandma

Rule 4: You Don't Make Good Decisions After Pulling An All-Nighter To Move (or: Sometimes All Your Quarters End Up Spilling Out In Front Of NYC Traffic)
Filling my beer fridge
With pillows and cups of change
Didn't turn out well

Rule 5: Nostalgia Will Defeat You
Hour four of packing:
Clutching an old, stained t-shirt
Thinking of college

Vennsday - PSA's

I've learned some important things in my absence.  Things like how it's way harder to blog when you are really busy at work, and other things like ow, it really hurts when I bite my tongue when I'm trying to prove a point about how many fries I can fit in my mouth at once (at least 14, but then I ran out of fries).

Now I want to pass some lessons on to you.  These are important things, so pay attention.

Kids, don't do drugs.  If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things.  Remember Mean Girls?  Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!"  Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious?  And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL???  Oh, sorry, I got off track there.  The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video.  And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober.  (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)

I can tell you think you're safe.  You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets."  You're wrong.  This accent is contagious.  Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer.  The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech.  (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)

Texting and driving is against the law.  But what about texting and walking, that's safe right?  You're just moseying down the sidewalk, typing in unintelligible abbreviations, minding your own busi OH MY GOD A BEAR.  Yeah.  It really happened.  It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there.  Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.

Haiku Friday - Engineers

Engineers Can Be Buzzkills At College Parties
The manual says
Those tables are not rated
For drunken dancing

...But They Don't Hug Either
Some of us chose math
Over proper social skills
Numbers never mock

Sure, It's Shiny And Silver Now, But It Doesn't Buzz Anymore, Does it?
Makers of duct tape
Love when engineers say this:
I could improve that

We May Be Bad At Fighting, But We Also Control Whether Or Not You Have Running Water
Don't come between nerds
And their calculators, 'cause
You'll risk weak punches

It's Why I Avoid Mirrors
Engineers are an
Easily startled people,
Confused by women

Haiku Friday - Community Returns

I Do A Really Good Impression Of A Lazy Person
I spent a weekend
In bed, watching two seasons
Of Community

Hacky-Sackin' Ruffian
It was a dark time
When Vaughn and his weird nipples
Came between the crew

Be The Chang You Want To See In The World¹
Here's my secret dream:
I'll live in the vents with Chang.
Don't tell the monkey

Go Banana Slugs!
The Human Being
Is not the worst school mascot
...just the creepiest

Ode To Abed
You're so coolcoolcool
I would create six timelines
Just to be your friend

¹I went through so many titles, and they were all creepily sexual: "A Chang Would Do Me Good" or "A Chang is Gonna Come" or "Chang Is Hard."  And now you all have to have that in your head, too.

Vennsday - HAPPY PI DAY, WORLD!

Vennsday is back!  And just in time for my favorite non-holiday.

Let's take a look at the relationship between pi and pie, and while we do that, let's all buy a pie and figure out its area, circumference, and volume while we eat it.¹

It is not every day that math and sweets are brought together.  I mean, I suppose you could make one, like "Every time I MATH, I get an m&m."  ...that's a great idea, actually.  Someone bring me some candy!

Guys, the hypothetical conversation that pi and pie have is actually really awkward because they don't have much in common.  Pie: "So, circles, right?"  Pi: "....yup."  And then pie goes back to being delicious and pi goes back to having its digits memorized by math geeks as some kind of useless badge of honor.  And the sexual tension between them goes un-addressed.

It's the irrationality that makes it delicious.

¹If you wait long enough, the answer to all three will be zero and also "uhhhhh my stomach"
²I learned how to do mouseover text on images.  Enjoy!

Haiku Friday - Sunshine in March

This Is Your Oregon Brain On Spring Sunshine
What is that bright thing?
Sun?  Sun??  Sun!  SunSunSunSun
Oh, now it's raining

All I Need Is 15 Minutes Of Hops And Vitamin D
I know that it's cold
But I'll take my beer outside
The cloud cover broke

It Helps If You Pretend All The Water On Your Skin Is Sweat
In the darkest days
I leave my jacket home, and
Count light rain as sun

HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW I'M GAY?!?!??!?
I'm in a panic
What if it tops seventy?
My plaid shorts aren't clean!

When It Suns, It Pours
None of us trust it
Sure, it's pretty and warm, but
We've been drenched before

Haiku Friday - Michigan Primary

FWOOOOOP - That's The Sound Of The 900,000 UAW Votes You Just Lost
We Michiganders
Do not look kindly upon
Your union busting

A Native Wouldn't Start With The Height Of The Trees¹
I'll believe you're from
Michigan when I see your
Birth certificate

The Mitten Was Not Smitten
Campaigning trod on
Prospective voters lost hope
....Vote for Democrats!

So I Feel Really Connected To Mitt
I'm no ardent fan
But I have great friends who own
NASCAR Matchbox Sets

It's Actually Horribly Awkward
I almost threw up
When I read Kennedy's speech.
I puke when impressed.

¹"Go State!" would have worked way better.

Haiku Friday - Mornings

It's A Skill Ryder's Taken Years To Perfect

Radio goes on

Dog jumps hard on my bladder

It's time to wake up

It Was A Bigger, Shinier Target Through My Mostly Closed Eyes

In trying to feed

My dog, I dumped his breakfast

In the water dish

No Matter How Much You Mean It At The Time Because It's 6 am For The Love Of God

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Kills your soul a bit¹

Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne, Your Voices Are Like The Building Blocks for Dreams

I love NPR

It's like forty-five minutes

Of extra sleeping

You Want Me To Bend Over and Fix Them?

I put my slippers
On the wrong feet twice this week.
I wore them that way.

¹Also:

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Doesn't really work

Ash Vennsday

First of all, props to my friend Miller who came up with the name and inspiration for this Vennsday.  Yes, that's a real person, not a bottle of beer that I call my friend, although I do that, too.

Anyways, Lent is a time of restraint and penance and prayer.  It is like a cleanse for your soul, in which you live on only lemon soul juice and cayenne soul pepper, and you feel terrible until the hallucinations come on, and then you feel great because you think you just defeated the devil.

It's like inside-out Christmas.

It is, in short, the antithesis of me.

Fun things about Lent: saying Maundy Thursday and being a kid and having sword fights with the cross-shaped palms on Palm Sunday.

Not-fun things about Lent: everything else.

Which is why Lent and I are as separate as the green circle in the Venn Diagram below¹:

Know what I like?  Things that I like.  So I'm gonna keep doing 'em.

Maybe I've been a little too hard on the Church thus far.  I mean, if it weren't for Lent, there would be no Mardi Gras².  And if there were no Mardi Gras, my only excuse for drinking on Tuesday would be "why not?"

 I don't want fish on Fridays.  I want a beer and a burger.  Or maybe like a beer and a burger, but instead of buns, there will be two filets and some pork belly, and then that will be followed up by a bourbon.  Fish is for Sunday brunch when I want something light.  Or maybe for Saturday happy hour at the sushi restaurant.

¹I think it's clear to everyone that today isn't my best day for similes.
²There would also be no excuse to say snarky things like "I would respond, but I gave up reading bad grammar for Lent" on youtube comments.^3
3I have never actually commented on youtube anything in my life because that whole comment realm makes me believe that it's the end times.

Haiku Friday - Birth Out-of-control

My Parents Didn't Read The Fine Print
Couples, practice rhythm!
High success rates!  Side effects:
Frequent pregnancy

What Did They Use Before Aspirin?
I had it explained:
A pill between the knees means
Stop whoring it up¹

Abstinence... Just Kidding!
Weird, no one mentions
The best birth control method:
Gay relationships

Yes, Let's Discuss Lines Crossed
Religious freedoms?
Issa, they are less trampled
Than women's bodies

Everyone Wins!  (Except, Probably, Romney)
Here's a time machine
It's set for 1920
Get in, GOP!

¹True story, I really didn't understand what it meant.  I thought "Maybe it's about pleading a headache?  But then why the knees?  Maybe they thought aspirin was a spermicide?"^2
2Sometimes, I'm really naive.