Haiku Friday - Gay Marriage

At Least He's A Boy! ...'Cause Gay Dog Marriage Is Just Wrong
Legal gay marriage
Makes me wonder: how long 'til
I can wed my dog?

Not Even Your Sweater Vests Can Ruin This Week For Me
What's that, Santorum?
I couldn't hear your hatred
Over all the gay

How I Met Your Father (And Why We Have Separate Bedrooms)
Is it gay marriage
If I decide to marry
Neil Patrick Harris?

They Haven't Had This Much Business Since Hillary Was Campaigning
Makers of pant-suits
Are celebrating the news
And watching Ellen

I Now Pronounce You Mitt And Husbands
Twenty debates are
Equivalent to marriage
In many cultures

Vennsday - Come Together

It's hard to see, sometimes, what liberals and conservatives have in common.  Obviously, we all like the Colbert Report¹ and tacos, but those things only get us so far².

Do we have any other things in common?  Let's examine some issues.

Nerds can be liberals or conservatives: nerdism doesn't discriminate.  They all agree that cotton is comfortable and that school is pretty awesome, but they don't agree on the best source of news.  Let's just stick to what we agree on: being stuffed in a locker gets to be uncomfortable after a while.

Everyone agrees that art goes on walls or sometimes in gardens, but not everyone agrees that Picasso is art (*I seriously had a guy in college art history class argue about whether or not Picasso was art because he didn't recognize the figure as a person).  Let's just all go look at a nice Monet, and make little paint-smushing noises as we think about his method³.

Teenage sex is there, in the middle of our country, just like this yellow Venn circle in the middle of the diagram, where no one likes to talk about it.  Conservatives get around this by basically ignoring it and handing out abstinence only textbooks that I can only assume have a cover, a back cover, and a single sheet that says "NO" in giant letters between the two covers.  Liberals overcompensate by talking about all the feelings involved and all the birth control options and encouraging their children to read some interesting books about teenage sex before they have "the talk" so that it can be an informed discussion and emailing Dan Savage when it turns their kid is gay so that they can start all over again but have the books about teenage gay sex.  Seriously, though, kids: use a condom.⁴

¹The great thing about the Report is that everyone thinks they're in on a big secret that the other side doesn't get.
²Mostly these two things get us to our couch for fourth meal.
³Is that just me?  I like to add sound effects to my art experiences....
⁴You should all know that while I was writing that paragraph, I was still making paint smushing sounds in my head and thinking about Monet.

Haiku Friday - Visual Stimulation Of Yesteryear

If I Still Had It, It Would Be Cool Again

The ninja turtles

Graced my lunchbox until an

Embarrassing age

This May Explain My Strange Fondness For English Actresses Born Before World War II

I had no cable

Instead of Salute Your Shorts

'Twas Murder, She Wrote

Maybe The 3D Version Will Have A Different Ending!

I saw Titanic

Six times in the theater

He died every time

I've Seen That Movie Enough Times For All Of You

Sleepovers required

Watching the movie Clueless

Quoting, constantly

Damn Kids, Talking About "Mars Needs Moms" grumble grumble grumble

When I was a kid

Disney movies were still good

Now get off my lawn!

Vennsday - Tiny Overlaps

If you're going to get all accurate about it, the amount of overlap that a Venn Diagram has visually is unrelated to the actual set size.  I don't care.  I like it when the overlap size is "to scale."

With that in mind, here are some things that have only one thing in common:

Obviously they're going to make a movie about my life.  I think that's just something we all should accept.  It will probably be some kind of indie super hero movie, in which I'll be nerdy but hot (and buff), and I'll do things like hold up a falling bridge with my great strength and MATH and solve climate change.  There will be nary a spreadsheet or overworked city planner in sight.  But, somewhere in the MATH montage, there will be a brief moment of comic relief when I write "BOOBS" on my calculator.¹

There's nothing worse than accidentally making eye contact with the Drunk Guy at a bar in the middle of the afternoon, and then being forced to have a conversation with him.  I can't find it in myself to say "I'm just here for a sandwich, bro, please leave me alone."  Instead, I get to hear about all the things he likes: bus passes, finally passing a class he failed thirty years ago, his salad, no seriously he salad is amazing would I like to try it, and Asian girls because they're good at math.  Oh, Drunk Guy, racist comments are a terrible way to make friends.  We could have just talked about beer!

Oh, wait, he floated that as a serious campaign promise?  Uh, never mind.

¹Instead of saying "turn that frown upside down," everyone should say "turn that 58008 upside down" because then you get boobs AND a smile.

Further Adventures in Hydration

I've started drinking water with a PURPOSE.  It's a journey.  Here are some excerpts from my hydration journal¹.

Day 1

9:00 am I just found out that my girlfriend drinks a lot of water.  I bet I could drink more.

9:02 am  The internet just told me that the most water I can absorb is about 8 oz every fifteen minutes.  That's the amount of water I will drink.

10:03 am  Staff meeting!  I hope it's short, I'm only bringing one pint of water with me.

10:45 am  Oh god, it ran late, I'll chug 16 oz of water to make up for it!

11:30 am  I feel weird.  It couldn't be the 75 ounces of water I've had to drink.

12:15 pm  My girlfriend points out that maybe I'm messing with my salt.  I think she's probably trying to win the water drinking competition she didn't know we are having.

12:16 pm  I pick up a vitamin water, just in case she has a point.  Maybe it will help with the (totally unrelated) dizziness.

12:50 pm  I realize my vitamin water has no salt in it.

12:51 pm  I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

1:00 pm  [Illegible] fries [illegible]

6:34 pm  I don't remember the last five hours, but it appears that I have installed a salt-lick in my back yard.  I'm going to go to sleep.

Day 2

8:50 am  Oh crap!  I forgot about the water competition!

9:15 am  Wait, didn't I figure out that chugging 32 oz of water in under a half hour is bad?  Eh, I'm sure it will be fine.

10:07 am  ALL I EVER DO IS PEE.

11:10 am  Is it possible to drown inside your own body?

1:15 pm  It feels like there's a tempest inside my belly.  I like to sway back and forth and feel the water slosh and hear all the enzymes scream "TSUNAMI" as they try to digest my lunch.

1:23 pm  I have developed an UNNATURAL FONDNESS for caps.  I am unsure if THIS IS AT ALL RELATED.

1:37 pm  I wikipedia "hydration."  It has many words that I don't understand, which frightens and confuses me.

1:58 pm  Blogging about hydration has made me dangerously close to what I have come to know as dehydration².

Ok, I've only been drinking water for two days.  So that's all I have.  I expect by tomorrow afternoon, I will have been distracted by something new.  If you'd like to keep your own hydration journal, I suggest you get off the internet and go make some friends.  Because, seriously, is drinking water the most exciting thing you have going on?³

¹I don't keep a hydration journal.  That would be lame.  I just made up these excerpts for the sake of humor.

²I assume that not peeing for close to ten minutes is a sign of dehydration.

³Did I just insult my own blog entry?

Haiku Friday - The Zoo

That Sounds More Threatening Than I Meant It To

Mr. Elephant,

I think you could jump this fence

Soon, I will fix that

Nothing Ruins A Cuteness High Quite Like Poo

I took a picture

Right as the tiny penguin

Decided to poop

Oh, Was That Your Baby I Just Made Into A Delicious Curry?

The three mountain goats

Stopped their chewing and faced me

Murder in their eyes

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CUDDLE, SUN BEAR?

I learned that sun bears

Are the smallest Portland has

But their claws still hurt

Plus, You're Way Less Fun To Club

Nothing personal

But you sea lions are just

Fat, less-cute fur seals

Vennsday - God Loves You And Your Need For Booze

Well, it seems that the Venn Diagram Dinocorn has finally started working again.  That lazy bastard.  And!  With its new enhanced dinosaur powers, it is using more color!

These are exciting times, people.

Let's get to it.

This is also a nice diagram of my entire diet.  Anyways, you could show yourself to be a good, solid guy from Illinois by literally eating meat 'n potatoes.  That sounds pretty tasty, if slightly bland.  Or, you could be a 14-year-old who has decided that meat is evil and is eating only cheese sandwiches.  Without the meat is evil part, that sounds like Thursday to me¹.  But, put all those magical yet common ingredients together, and you have what some² would call nirvana: the cheeseburger.  I just had one two hours ago, and you know what?  I want more.  Thanks for loving me, God!³

Best quote of the week:  "More debates, more vetting of candidates because we know the mistake made in our country four years ago was having a candidate that was not vetted." - Sarah Palin.  Ah, she consistently reminds me why I listen to political podcasts.  It is less funny to think about any kind of could-have-been face off between her and Ahmadinejad.  They would have both agreed that there were no gay people in their jurisdictions, been creepily folksy, and then hunted each other with helicopters.  Final thought: Tea Parties started becoming way less fun when they decided that maybe Newt Gingrich should be president.

I'm bringing it all together here, for a nice clean wrap-up.  It looks like it's about food and drink and then SURPRISE it's about politics.  That, kids, is how you make an old-fashioned, or as we call them at my house, Anna's maybe-three-more-of-these-will-make-thinly-veiled-racism-funny⁴ juice.

¹Wednesday obviously being the day that I spend working on my blog instead of grocery shopping.
²Ok, just me.

³I'm not saying that God doesn't love Jewish people, I'm just saying that he wants them to be miserable and hungry.

⁴They didn't.