Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Cat Poems - A Break From Our Usual Programming

Today, I saw a poem getting passed around the internet.  It is heartbreaking... and a total lie.  My dog feels exactly that way, but neither of the cats do.

So, here is what it's actually like.

Bess Wants To Eat Your Face

My cat is angry.

one other cat is in the family

who eats the food and is friendly

she hates that cat.

she wants cuddles

why aren't you cuddling

she hates cuddles

why are you trying to cuddle

she tastes our skin

preparing for our deaths

fuck off she says i am a cat i hate you

what is that / why haven't i destroyed it yet / i will put it on the floor for you your anger makes me catlaugh

i will drink your water and leave fur in it all my water already has fur in it

leave me alone

why are you sleeping? give me pets

oh, you're awake, i was hoping you were dead

Crappy Projects: Anna vs. The Light Fixture

Universal truth: boobs are awesome but boob lights are the worst.  I don't know how many decades ago somebody said "Do you know what the ceiling needs?  Light bulbs covered in semi-opaque glass shaped like boobs.  And not just THIS ceiling... every ceiling.  Ever."  If you are reading this at home, there is an 85%¹ chance that right now there is a boob lamp stuck to the ceiling over your head, watching you and hating itself for existing².  I do know that they weren't around in the early 20th century, based on my close watching of Downton Abbey, which has provided my entire breadth of knowledge on all the years before 1950 or so.

A Prime Example Of The Offending Light

Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Terseday - Performance Art

From now on, I plan on thinking of homeless people as performance artists, who comment on our society's obsession with hygiene, possessions, and not yelling at passersby.

For more: twitter.com/crappyprojects, hashtag #Terseday

This is a new feature, that I will try to make weekly.  The name of it was a suggestion from my godfather, but the content and slightly offensive nature of it is all my own.

I will post a short statement, and then spend the rest of the day reacting/responding/replying to it on Twitter.  I invite you to join in here or on facebook or twitter.

Vennsday - Emoticons

I'm just going to eaaaase right back into blogging, here, with a simple Vennsday.  Do you remember when punctuation was just punctuation?  When the most you could do to show emotion with it was a ... or a ?!?!?!  You do???  Wow, you're old.

This week's Venn diagrams will help you bridge that generational gap, and help you get over that frantic search for the opening parenthesis when you see this : ).  Or, maybe, it will teach you about the old days, back when dinosaurs cared about the art and style of a well-constructed sentence.

Back to basics.  This is like the neanderthal of emoticons (emotithal). 

Semicolons are my favorite form of punctuation, but I can't actually wink in real life, so every time I use one of these ;), I feel like a fraud.

I don't actually use the asterisk as part of an emoticon, but I do use it to denote degrees, because how the hell do you make a degree sign on the computer*??

*File this under things I should know, but don't, along with how to change my oil and whether one of them is "Kriss" and one of them is "Kross"

The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while¹ eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now² I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:

• Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
• It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
• I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
• It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
• is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
• is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.

So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?