Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Terseday - Performance Art

From now on, I plan on thinking of homeless people as performance artists, who comment on our society's obsession with hygiene, possessions, and not yelling at passersby.

For more: twitter.com/crappyprojects, hashtag #Terseday

This is a new feature, that I will try to make weekly.  The name of it was a suggestion from my godfather, but the content and slightly offensive nature of it is all my own.

I will post a short statement, and then spend the rest of the day reacting/responding/replying to it on Twitter.  I invite you to join in here or on facebook or twitter.

Vennsday - Emoticons

I'm just going to eaaaase right back into blogging, here, with a simple Vennsday.  Do you remember when punctuation was just punctuation?  When the most you could do to show emotion with it was a ... or a ?!?!?!  You do???  Wow, you're old.

This week's Venn diagrams will help you bridge that generational gap, and help you get over that frantic search for the opening parenthesis when you see this : ).  Or, maybe, it will teach you about the old days, back when dinosaurs cared about the art and style of a well-constructed sentence.

Back to basics.  This is like the neanderthal of emoticons (emotithal). 

Semicolons are my favorite form of punctuation, but I can't actually wink in real life, so every time I use one of these ;), I feel like a fraud.

I don't actually use the asterisk as part of an emoticon, but I do use it to denote degrees, because how the hell do you make a degree sign on the computer*??

*File this under things I should know, but don't, along with how to change my oil and whether one of them is "Kriss" and one of them is "Kross"

The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while¹ eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now² I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:

• Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
• It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
• I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
• It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
• is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
• is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.

So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?

Vennsday (Thursday) - GOP Irony

I spend a good portion of my day reading the political section of the New York Times and listening to NPR, which means I spend a good portion of my day saying "Really?  Really?!?!" inside my head.  The outright lies  don't get to me, and the thinly veiled racism is an expected part of the campaign season.

What makes me say "Really??" is this total lack of a sense of irony.  I am hoping that the following will both help the GOP understand irony, and maybe help them understand Venn Diagrams, too.

I keep hoping someone there will blame it on climate change, for the double Irony Whammy.

To avoid irony in the next convention, I recommend that they all drive non-union cars to Dick Cheney's back yard using privately made gravel roads.  When they arrive, they can shower Bonnaroo style with baby wipes and a gallon of water, so as to avoid using any government utilities.

To be fair, he probably couldn't afford to keep a residence in Massachusetts.  I mean, there are only so many mortgages one man can carry.  Also, does anyone else get a great image of Mitt as a slacker pot-head, living in his son's basement, playing Mario Kart for 8 hours a day?  No, just me?  Oh, carry on then.

Haiku Friday - Rules of Moving

Rule 1: Your Most Embarrassing Books Will End Up On Top
Yes, that's Left Behind
Right next to Sex for Dummies
And the Twilight books

Rule 2: Trash Bags Are Your Friends
I will be dumping
Whole desk drawers into trash bags
As the truck arrives

Rule 3: Planning Only Gets You So Far
Now everything's packed
Except cake pans, tampons, and
Pictures of Grandma

Rule 4: You Don't Make Good Decisions After Pulling An All-Nighter To Move (or: Sometimes All Your Quarters End Up Spilling Out In Front Of NYC Traffic)
Filling my beer fridge
With pillows and cups of change
Didn't turn out well

Rule 5: Nostalgia Will Defeat You
Hour four of packing:
Clutching an old, stained t-shirt
Thinking of college

Vennsday - PSA's

I've learned some important things in my absence.  Things like how it's way harder to blog when you are really busy at work, and other things like ow, it really hurts when I bite my tongue when I'm trying to prove a point about how many fries I can fit in my mouth at once (at least 14, but then I ran out of fries).

Now I want to pass some lessons on to you.  These are important things, so pay attention.

Kids, don't do drugs.  If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things.  Remember Mean Girls?  Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!"  Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious?  And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL???  Oh, sorry, I got off track there.  The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video.  And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober.  (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)

I can tell you think you're safe.  You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets."  You're wrong.  This accent is contagious.  Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer.  The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech.  (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)

Texting and driving is against the law.  But what about texting and walking, that's safe right?  You're just moseying down the sidewalk, typing in unintelligible abbreviations, minding your own busi OH MY GOD A BEAR.  Yeah.  It really happened.  It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there.  Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.