Vennsday - FEED ME

I may have just figured out that creating my venns at the end of the work¹ day is a terrible idea because the only thing I can think about is food.  Right now, I'm barely even thinking about this blog post.  What I'm thinking about is how I'm doing it at the request of my big sister for her birthday, and if it's acceptable to buy myself some cake² so I can feel like I'm celebrating with her.

Anyways, onto the main event:

I love pasta.  No, no, you don't understand.  LOVE it.  I used to make whole boxes of it in college and then get sad when my roommate wanted me to share.  But, I don't order it in restaurants much because pasta is meant to be eaten pantsless.  Pants just hold you in, and limit you to a serving!  Pants stop you from passing out immediately after a bowl of delicious, delicious spaghetti drenched in artichoke marinara, topped with gruyere.  No one wants that.

Normally I like burritos.  I like them for breakfast, I like them for lunch, and I like them for dinner.  I like half-eaten burritos from the fridge as a midnight snack.  Weirdly, though, you give me two sips of beer, and all I can think about is tacos.  Maybe burritos become too intimidating, and tacos are like their non-threatening little sibling.  Maybe I've been totally brainwashed by the awesome 3 tacos and a beer for 5 bucks deal at my local taco Tuesday.  All I know is that going to the taco truck that sits outside my favorite dance spot at the end of the night feels like the arrival of the Messiah to me.

Sometimes I make dinner, and my ladyfriend³ is all like "Wow, this is so good, what did you put in it?" and the answer is always "Butter."  I can feel my doctor's disapproval and my arteries clogging as I type this, but whatever that thing you're eating is - it would be better with butter.  Onions?  Obviously.  Pasta?  Duh.  Burgers?  Food & Wine swears by it.  Fish?  Why bother without it.  Butter.  Just add it.

¹ - I misspelled this as "wok" at first, which seems very appropriate.
² - Oh, or maybe spinach pie!  Or some sage and brown butter risotto!  SOMEONE FEED ME
³ - Fiancee!

Vennsday - The Things We Yell

Recently, I've been intaking a lot of internet, so I feel like I should output some internet as well.  This means that you guys get to look at some Venn Diagrams!  Right here!

Imagine that you're in a car with three other full-grown adults, and you drive by a pack of llamas.  Somebody is definitely going to yell "Llamas!!"  Or maybe you're at work, just minding your own business, doing some spreadsheeting, and all of a sudden your boss starts yelling "Raccoon!  Raccoon!"  You don't think this is weird, in fact, you're a little jealous that you didn't get to yell what type of animal it was at that animal.  We don't do this with other things; you're not sitting at your desk, minding your own business, yelling "Spreadsheet!  Spreadsheet!  Coffee!  Food crumbs that I should probably clean out of my keyboard!"  I assume we do this because as children we were rewarded with love and affection for correctly naming animals by our parents, and we still feel a little surge of affirmation when we do it now... and also, you know, llamas!!¹

Yelling is not condoned in Eugene.  If you yell, you're probably a stooge for the patriarchy and you're definitely oppressing somebody's vagina, so maybe you could just take a deep breath, remember this is a safe space, and start using some "I feel" statements in a calm, low voice.  Unless this is about the University of Oregon ducks.  In which case, why aren't you yelling??  Don't you even CARE about how awesome they are???!!??!  You could walk up to a group of strangers on the street, yell in their faces "GO DUCKS," and they would be super psyched about it, and zero vaginas would be oppressed.   

When I get excited, I talk louder and louder until I'm full-on yelling.  It's almost gotten me kicked out of town a few times.  And it's not about cool stuff, it's about storm drainage or maybe the sweet orange color of my calculator².  I would pity my lady friend for having to deal with this, but she does it, too.  I'm pretty sure we're known in local restaurants as the couple who yells about our dinner and the incredible job the CHEF HAS DONE WITH THE SEASONING.

¹The first thing I do when I get home every day is find my two cats and yell "CATS" at them.  Maybe I do this for the affirmation, or maybe I do it because I like reinforcing their identities for them, or maybe I just do it because I think it's inexplicably hilarious.
²Obviously these things are actually super cool.  I just didn't want to make you feel jealous about my incredible swale knowledge or that one time I chose an orange calculator instead of a black one.

Haiku Friday - Spring Renovations

If It Ain't Broke, Rip It Off In A Haiku
This is just to say
I did not mow; forgive me
My beer was so cold

What I Mean Is, I Wish I Were Richer
I quite like yard work
I mean - I quite like it done
But not doing it

This Past Week, In Two Parts (Or, In Which My Optimism Quickly Turns Into Constant Low-Grade Stress)
I love hardware stores!
Anything seems possible!
We can renovate!

Let's saw! paint! plant! plumb!
And... oh god, I'm overwhelmed.
I hate hardware stores.

Choosing Paint (A Topic Not Covered In Gay 101 - How To Navigate Interior Decorating When Everyone Has Very Strong Feelings)
Being gay is hard
No one can agree on blue
Or this other blue

Cat Poems - A Break From Our Usual Programming

Today, I saw a poem getting passed around the internet.  It is heartbreaking... and a total lie.  My dog feels exactly that way, but neither of the cats do.

So, here is what it's actually like.

Bess Wants To Eat Your Face

My cat is angry.

one other cat is in the family

who eats the food and is friendly

she hates that cat.

she wants cuddles

why aren't you cuddling

she hates cuddles

why are you trying to cuddle

she tastes our skin

preparing for our deaths

fuck off she says i am a cat i hate you

what is that / why haven't i destroyed it yet / i will put it on the floor for you your anger makes me catlaugh

i will drink your water and leave fur in it all my water already has fur in it

leave me alone

why are you sleeping? give me pets

oh, you're awake, i was hoping you were dead

Crappy Projects: Anna vs. The Light Fixture

Universal truth: boobs are awesome but boob lights are the worst.  I don't know how many decades ago somebody said "Do you know what the ceiling needs?  Light bulbs covered in semi-opaque glass shaped like boobs.  And not just THIS ceiling... every ceiling.  Ever."  If you are reading this at home, there is an 85%¹ chance that right now there is a boob lamp stuck to the ceiling over your head, watching you and hating itself for existing².  I do know that they weren't around in the early 20th century, based on my close watching of Downton Abbey, which has provided my entire breadth of knowledge on all the years before 1950 or so.

A Prime Example Of The Offending Light

Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Terseday - Performance Art

From now on, I plan on thinking of homeless people as performance artists, who comment on our society's obsession with hygiene, possessions, and not yelling at passersby.

For more: twitter.com/crappyprojects, hashtag #Terseday

This is a new feature, that I will try to make weekly.  The name of it was a suggestion from my godfather, but the content and slightly offensive nature of it is all my own.

I will post a short statement, and then spend the rest of the day reacting/responding/replying to it on Twitter.  I invite you to join in here or on facebook or twitter.