Further Adventures in Hydration

I've started drinking water with a PURPOSE.  It's a journey.  Here are some excerpts from my hydration journal¹.

Day 1

9:00 am I just found out that my girlfriend drinks a lot of water.  I bet I could drink more.

9:02 am  The internet just told me that the most water I can absorb is about 8 oz every fifteen minutes.  That's the amount of water I will drink.

10:03 am  Staff meeting!  I hope it's short, I'm only bringing one pint of water with me.

10:45 am  Oh god, it ran late, I'll chug 16 oz of water to make up for it!

11:30 am  I feel weird.  It couldn't be the 75 ounces of water I've had to drink.

12:15 pm  My girlfriend points out that maybe I'm messing with my salt.  I think she's probably trying to win the water drinking competition she didn't know we are having.

12:16 pm  I pick up a vitamin water, just in case she has a point.  Maybe it will help with the (totally unrelated) dizziness.

12:50 pm  I realize my vitamin water has no salt in it.

12:51 pm  I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

1:00 pm  [Illegible] fries [illegible]

6:34 pm  I don't remember the last five hours, but it appears that I have installed a salt-lick in my back yard.  I'm going to go to sleep.

Day 2

8:50 am  Oh crap!  I forgot about the water competition!

9:15 am  Wait, didn't I figure out that chugging 32 oz of water in under a half hour is bad?  Eh, I'm sure it will be fine.

10:07 am  ALL I EVER DO IS PEE.

11:10 am  Is it possible to drown inside your own body?

1:15 pm  It feels like there's a tempest inside my belly.  I like to sway back and forth and feel the water slosh and hear all the enzymes scream "TSUNAMI" as they try to digest my lunch.

1:23 pm  I have developed an UNNATURAL FONDNESS for caps.  I am unsure if THIS IS AT ALL RELATED.

1:37 pm  I wikipedia "hydration."  It has many words that I don't understand, which frightens and confuses me.

1:58 pm  Blogging about hydration has made me dangerously close to what I have come to know as dehydration².

Ok, I've only been drinking water for two days.  So that's all I have.  I expect by tomorrow afternoon, I will have been distracted by something new.  If you'd like to keep your own hydration journal, I suggest you get off the internet and go make some friends.  Because, seriously, is drinking water the most exciting thing you have going on?³

¹I don't keep a hydration journal.  That would be lame.  I just made up these excerpts for the sake of humor.

²I assume that not peeing for close to ten minutes is a sign of dehydration.

³Did I just insult my own blog entry?