Monday, January 9, 2012

I (Used To) Live Here Monday - Meijer

I am not going to do Meijer justice.  I am going to leave you saying "I don't get it, isn't it just like some weird Michigan version of Walmart or Fred Meyer?"  And for that, I am sorry.  Maybe the best thing to do is to find someone from Michigan who has moved away, and ask them about Meijer.  There is a 93% chance they'll tear up a little bit.

If God dies, he's going to end up at Meijer and wonder why heaven sucks so much.

At Meijer, they sell everything, and they do it cheaply.  Need clothes?  Go to Meijer.  Need furniture?  Go to Meijer.  Need a fountain for your garden?  Go to Meijer.  Need any kind of food or drink?  Go to Meijer.  Need a black-market baby?  Go to the inky shadows behind Meijer1.

I like lists.  Here's a breakdown of Meijer vs. Walmart, in fancy table form.

Important Issue Meijer  Wal*mart
LiteracySilent "j" - badass.  Silent letters are like the ninjas of spelling.  Silent *.  * isn't even a letter, so this all results in confusion and decreased American literacy.
Miracles I have not seen it happen myself, but I'm pretty sure Meijer is where Jesus learned to turn water into wine. Every time someone buys a three sizes too-small tube-top, a guardian angel dies.
Greeters Happy and kind.  Possibly on some kind of upper. Kidnapped from nursing homes.
Ad campaign A million reasons, a single store (this jingle gets stuck in my head every time I go home).A smiley face that makes everyone want to punch smiley faces in the... uh... face.
Rainbows In the middle of every Meijer, there is a field full of unicorns and rainbows.
And, right next to it, there is a cheaper Meijer Brand field full of 5-color rainbows and a horse with a birthday hat on the front of its forehead.
Wal*mart hates gay people.
Mechanical Pony Rides One cent.  Adults not prohibited (officially).Null set (which means the sobbing of tiny, innocent children.  And me.)

In short, Meijer is where happiness and love come from.  It's why Michiganders are so friendly.

If you ever visit Michigan, go to Meijer.  Just don't get the Meijer brand mac 'n cheese... it tastes like burning tires and genocide.

1On that note, weird things happen in the Meijer parking lot after 11 pm.  Park close and stay in the light.


  1. I'll have to think about this more, but for sure on prom night, we had the stretch Escalade for an extra hour and had the driver take us to...Meijer. so that we could by gummy candy by the pound.

    best part? 2 other limos in the parking lot.

    also, one time at UM I met Hank Meijer who is like, i dunno, heir?

  2. Grammar note - happiness and love together are a PLURAL subject, meaning your verb also needs to be plural. Please change this asap because it's driving me insane. This also makes me think that you may have been shopping at Wal*mart...

  3. Grammar fixed. (It won't happen again

  4. ... I haven't decided if leaving off the other parenthesis will drive me insane or not, but I'm hoping it drives you insane first.

  5. I think it is...damnit!!!! Close it already!

  6. you used the phrase "null set." i think i might love you more, if that's possible.

    - your anonymous math-loving stalker who understands set theory

  7. Math-loving stalkers are the best.

    And the scariest because math is the most powerful weapon.