If God dies, he's going to end up at Meijer and wonder why heaven sucks so much.
At Meijer, they sell everything, and they do it cheaply. Need clothes? Go to Meijer. Need furniture? Go to Meijer. Need a fountain for your garden? Go to Meijer. Need any kind of food or drink? Go to Meijer. Need a black-market baby? Go to the inky shadows behind Meijer1.
I like lists. Here's a breakdown of Meijer vs. Walmart, in fancy table form.
|Literacy||Silent "j" - badass. Silent letters are like the ninjas of spelling.||Silent *. * isn't even a letter, so this all results in confusion and decreased American literacy.|
|Miracles||I have not seen it happen myself, but I'm pretty sure Meijer is where Jesus learned to turn water into wine.||Every time someone buys a three sizes too-small tube-top, a guardian angel dies.|
|Greeters||Happy and kind. Possibly on some kind of upper.||Kidnapped from nursing homes.|
|Ad campaign||A million reasons, a single store (this jingle gets stuck in my head every time I go home).||A smiley face that makes everyone want to punch smiley faces in the... uh... face.|
|Rainbows||In the middle of every Meijer, there is a field full of unicorns and rainbows.
And, right next to it, there is a cheaper Meijer Brand field full of 5-color rainbows and a horse with a birthday hat on the front of its forehead.
|Wal*mart hates gay people.|
|Mechanical Pony Rides||One cent. Adults not prohibited (officially).||Null set (which means the sobbing of tiny, innocent children. And me.)|
In short, Meijer is where happiness and love come from. It's why Michiganders are so friendly.
If you ever visit Michigan, go to Meijer. Just don't get the Meijer brand mac 'n cheese... it tastes like burning tires and genocide.
1On that note, weird things happen in the Meijer parking lot after 11 pm. Park close and stay in the light.