Vennsday - PSA's

I've learned some important things in my absence.  Things like how it's way harder to blog when you are really busy at work, and other things like ow, it really hurts when I bite my tongue when I'm trying to prove a point about how many fries I can fit in my mouth at once (at least 14, but then I ran out of fries).

Now I want to pass some lessons on to you.  These are important things, so pay attention.

Kids, don't do drugs.  If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things.  Remember Mean Girls?  Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!"  Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious?  And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL???  Oh, sorry, I got off track there.  The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video.  And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober.  (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)

I can tell you think you're safe.  You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets."  You're wrong.  This accent is contagious.  Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer.  The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech.  (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)

Texting and driving is against the law.  But what about texting and walking, that's safe right?  You're just moseying down the sidewalk, typing in unintelligible abbreviations, minding your own busi OH MY GOD A BEAR.  Yeah.  It really happened.  It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there.  Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.

Haiku Friday - Engineers

Engineers Can Be Buzzkills At College Parties
The manual says
Those tables are not rated
For drunken dancing

...But They Don't Hug Either
Some of us chose math
Over proper social skills
Numbers never mock

Sure, It's Shiny And Silver Now, But It Doesn't Buzz Anymore, Does it?
Makers of duct tape
Love when engineers say this:
I could improve that

We May Be Bad At Fighting, But We Also Control Whether Or Not You Have Running Water
Don't come between nerds
And their calculators, 'cause
You'll risk weak punches

It's Why I Avoid Mirrors
Engineers are an
Easily startled people,
Confused by women

Haiku Friday - Community Returns

I Do A Really Good Impression Of A Lazy Person
I spent a weekend
In bed, watching two seasons
Of Community

Hacky-Sackin' Ruffian
It was a dark time
When Vaughn and his weird nipples
Came between the crew

Be The Chang You Want To See In The World¹
Here's my secret dream:
I'll live in the vents with Chang.
Don't tell the monkey

Go Banana Slugs!
The Human Being
Is not the worst school mascot
...just the creepiest

Ode To Abed
You're so coolcoolcool
I would create six timelines
Just to be your friend

¹I went through so many titles, and they were all creepily sexual: "A Chang Would Do Me Good" or "A Chang is Gonna Come" or "Chang Is Hard."  And now you all have to have that in your head, too.

Vennsday - HAPPY PI DAY, WORLD!

Vennsday is back!  And just in time for my favorite non-holiday.

Let's take a look at the relationship between pi and pie, and while we do that, let's all buy a pie and figure out its area, circumference, and volume while we eat it.¹

It is not every day that math and sweets are brought together.  I mean, I suppose you could make one, like "Every time I MATH, I get an m&m."  ...that's a great idea, actually.  Someone bring me some candy!

Guys, the hypothetical conversation that pi and pie have is actually really awkward because they don't have much in common.  Pie: "So, circles, right?"  Pi: "....yup."  And then pie goes back to being delicious and pi goes back to having its digits memorized by math geeks as some kind of useless badge of honor.  And the sexual tension between them goes un-addressed.

It's the irrationality that makes it delicious.

¹If you wait long enough, the answer to all three will be zero and also "uhhhhh my stomach"
²I learned how to do mouseover text on images.  Enjoy!

Haiku Friday - Sunshine in March

This Is Your Oregon Brain On Spring Sunshine
What is that bright thing?
Sun?  Sun??  Sun!  SunSunSunSun
Oh, now it's raining

All I Need Is 15 Minutes Of Hops And Vitamin D
I know that it's cold
But I'll take my beer outside
The cloud cover broke

It Helps If You Pretend All The Water On Your Skin Is Sweat
In the darkest days
I leave my jacket home, and
Count light rain as sun

HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW I'M GAY?!?!??!?
I'm in a panic
What if it tops seventy?
My plaid shorts aren't clean!

When It Suns, It Pours
None of us trust it
Sure, it's pretty and warm, but
We've been drenched before

Haiku Friday - Michigan Primary

FWOOOOOP - That's The Sound Of The 900,000 UAW Votes You Just Lost
We Michiganders
Do not look kindly upon
Your union busting

A Native Wouldn't Start With The Height Of The Trees¹
I'll believe you're from
Michigan when I see your
Birth certificate

The Mitten Was Not Smitten
Campaigning trod on
Prospective voters lost hope
....Vote for Democrats!

So I Feel Really Connected To Mitt
I'm no ardent fan
But I have great friends who own
NASCAR Matchbox Sets

It's Actually Horribly Awkward
I almost threw up
When I read Kennedy's speech.
I puke when impressed.

¹"Go State!" would have worked way better.

Haiku Friday - Mornings

It's A Skill Ryder's Taken Years To Perfect

Radio goes on

Dog jumps hard on my bladder

It's time to wake up

It Was A Bigger, Shinier Target Through My Mostly Closed Eyes

In trying to feed

My dog, I dumped his breakfast

In the water dish

No Matter How Much You Mean It At The Time Because It's 6 am For The Love Of God

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Kills your soul a bit¹

Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne, Your Voices Are Like The Building Blocks for Dreams

I love NPR

It's like forty-five minutes

Of extra sleeping

You Want Me To Bend Over and Fix Them?

I put my slippers
On the wrong feet twice this week.
I wore them that way.

¹Also:

Yelling: "I hate you,

Shut up" to a barking dog

Doesn't really work