Cat Poems - A Break From Our Usual Programming

Today, I saw a poem getting passed around the internet.  It is heartbreaking... and a total lie.  My dog feels exactly that way, but neither of the cats do.

So, here is what it's actually like.

Bess Wants To Eat Your Face

My cat is angry.

one other cat is in the family

who eats the food and is friendly

she hates that cat.

she wants cuddles

why aren't you cuddling

she hates cuddles

why are you trying to cuddle

she tastes our skin

preparing for our deaths

fuck off she says i am a cat i hate you

what is that / why haven't i destroyed it yet / i will put it on the floor for you your anger makes me catlaugh

i will drink your water and leave fur in it all my water already has fur in it

leave me alone

why are you sleeping? give me pets

oh, you're awake, i was hoping you were dead

Crappy Projects: Anna vs. The Light Fixture

Universal truth: boobs are awesome but boob lights are the worst.  I don't know how many decades ago somebody said "Do you know what the ceiling needs?  Light bulbs covered in semi-opaque glass shaped like boobs.  And not just THIS ceiling... every ceiling.  Ever."  If you are reading this at home, there is an 85%¹ chance that right now there is a boob lamp stuck to the ceiling over your head, watching you and hating itself for existing².  I do know that they weren't around in the early 20th century, based on my close watching of Downton Abbey, which has provided my entire breadth of knowledge on all the years before 1950 or so.

A Prime Example Of The Offending Light

Haiku Friday - Side Effects

Side Effects Minimal, But My Weirdly Intense Dislike of Fruit Is Finally Justified
"Muscle pain, that's all"
But then, yelled across the store,
"And don't eat grapefruit!"

On Second Thought, Maybe I Should Stop Standing Around Naked In The Unheated Laundry Room
Why am I so cold?
Is it my medication?
I think I'm dying.

A Small List Of Things That I Thought Might Be Side Effects In The Past Twelve Hours (Or: More Evidence That I'm Probably Dying)
Tofu was tasty
That dog gave me a weird look
My voice sounds lower

Wearing Glasses For The First Time Today Was A Terrible Idea In Retrospect
If my eyes are tired:
Muscle pain, new glasses, or
Sleep-eaten grapefruit?

Along With Facing Your Own Mortality
Feeling powerless
In the face of childproof caps:
The worst side effect

Terseday - Performance Art

From now on, I plan on thinking of homeless people as performance artists, who comment on our society's obsession with hygiene, possessions, and not yelling at passersby.

For more: twitter.com/crappyprojects, hashtag #Terseday

This is a new feature, that I will try to make weekly.  The name of it was a suggestion from my godfather, but the content and slightly offensive nature of it is all my own.

I will post a short statement, and then spend the rest of the day reacting/responding/replying to it on Twitter.  I invite you to join in here or on facebook or twitter.

Vennsday - Emoticons

I'm just going to eaaaase right back into blogging, here, with a simple Vennsday.  Do you remember when punctuation was just punctuation?  When the most you could do to show emotion with it was a ... or a ?!?!?!  You do???  Wow, you're old.

This week's Venn diagrams will help you bridge that generational gap, and help you get over that frantic search for the opening parenthesis when you see this : ).  Or, maybe, it will teach you about the old days, back when dinosaurs cared about the art and style of a well-constructed sentence.

Back to basics.  This is like the neanderthal of emoticons (emotithal). 

Semicolons are my favorite form of punctuation, but I can't actually wink in real life, so every time I use one of these ;), I feel like a fraud.

I don't actually use the asterisk as part of an emoticon, but I do use it to denote degrees, because how the hell do you make a degree sign on the computer*??

*File this under things I should know, but don't, along with how to change my oil and whether one of them is "Kriss" and one of them is "Kross"