Monday, October 1, 2012

The Hummus Diaries

I have a history of making questionable nutrition decisions, but I prefer stubbornness over lesson-learning, so I will continue to make more.  I figure that I'm still alive, so I must be doing something not-too-wrong.

I'm not hydrating anymore (everyone loves the dehydrated, constantly thirsty version of me, right?), but I am trying to eat healthier.  I spent a while1 eating whatever cheese and meat I could get my hands on for lunch, and it was good.  Good meaning tasty.  Not so good in other ways, like cholesterol, and Type II diabetes risk, and still fitting in my bike spandex.

But now2 I'm Hummus Anna.  I don't eat meat before 6 pm IF AT ALL.  All I eat at lunch is hummus on pitas.  Why hummus?  Let's examine that:
  • Hummus is a weird beige color.  Weird, dull colors always indicate health.  See also: fruit smoothies with kale, root vegetable purees, poultry.
  • It's made of mostly beans.  I consider beans to be protein, fruit, and vegetable all in one, so I'm really hitting that food pyramid hard.
  • I was allowed to have it as a snack as a kid, and my mom only fed me healthy stuff.
  • It contains olive oil instead of animal fats.  Olive oil...
    • is a GOOD fat, which means I can eat unlimited amounts of it.
    • is the oil of choice for healthy heart diets.  I assume that this is because, instead of clogging arteries, it makes them extra slick.  Like a slip 'n slide for your blood.  You're welcome, heart.
So, how did my lunchtime hummus eating go?

Day 1
11:50 am: This hummus is delicious AND nutritious.  I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier.
11:55 am:  SERIOUSLY, this is filling me up, and it's not too dry, and flavorful.  Oh, and the hummus is locally made!  Cool!
11:58 am:  Hmm, I just finished the whole container.

Day 2
11:50 am:  Today, I won't eat a whole container of this dip of the gods, even though it's delicious.
11: 52 am:  I am so sick of hummus.

Day 3
12:03 pm:  It's a good thing they have a whole bunch of different flavors!  Yum!!
12:04 pm:  They all taste the same.  This is like eating tile grout.
12:15 pm:  I stop in front of the meat vendor at the farmer's market and drool silently, hoping that my lady friend will suggest that we buy a quarter cow for dinner.

Day 5
My hands have begun to smell like roasted garlic and some unknown substance.  If the color beige were hungover and desperate, this is what it would smell like.  No amount of handwashing will get rid of this smell.  I feel like Lady Macbeth, except that it's the smell of hummus instead of a spot of blood.

My Shakespeare analogies have become especially clumsy.  I wonder if this is a side effect of what must be a bushel of garbanzo beans.

Day 7
I look at pictures from an old county fair, and imagine that all the adorable baby sheep are in gyro form, with extra meat.  I find myself chanting "burgers" to myself when no one is around.

Day 10
11:10 am:  I've been getting hungrier earlier and earlier.  But it's ok!  Mmm hummus is great.
2:00 pm:  Where am I?!?! Why am I surrounded by greasy burger wrappers??  Why do I feel so satisfied and happy??!!?

1Starting in August 1999, when I moved out of my parents' house.  No one should make grilled cheese and chocolate milk available to a 15-year-old at every meal.
2Starting a week ago.  I'm totally a new person, guys.

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