Now I want to pass some lessons on to you. These are important things, so pay attention.
Kids, don't do drugs. If you do, you'll go from being my favorite red-haired, husky-voiced young actress, to not really being... any of those things. Remember Mean Girls? Remember how awesome that movie was, and how everyone was like "Lindsay Lohan has great things in her future!" Also remember that part where her new friend Janis decides to pronounce her name all wrong and it's hilarious? And all the life lessons we learned about how if you try to get back at the mean girls you BECOME A MEAN GIRL??? Oh, sorry, I got off track there. The point is, if you stop going to your job and just drink and do increasingly horrible drugs, you'll end up having a face that's a subject of a horrifying youtube video. And you'll end up being replaced by Emma Stone, who's hilarious and awesome and sober. (With a shout-out to pTina for suggesting this topic.)
I can tell you think you're safe. You think you can hang out with a Michigander and make fun of the way they say "jacket" or "dad" or "Anna Backus" and that you won't then one day wake up and accidentally come out with "Let's get in my American caaer and go take care of my caaaeets." You're wrong. This accent is contagious. Your vowels will get wider and wider until something snaps inside of you and creates an obsession with cherries, gigantic lakes, and Meijer. The lesson: avoid Michiganders and the entire state of Michigan if you value your speech. (Bonus points if you go back and read this with a Michigan accent... then we'll have you....)
It really happened. It's a dangerous, bear-filled world out there. Don't take your eye off of it for one LOL-filled second.